Forum Comments

If I can hand my will and my life over to God 'as I understand Him', I will be the person that I have always hoped to be; kind, loving, caring, understanding and above all content. Up till now, and still, I have failed to be that person. My own 'view' of myself has been skewed by self-centredness and ignorance, but I now this to be true so in accepting that I was wrong to think as I did, I stand half a chance of finding the real me. I certainly don't hope to be understood. That is not important to me any more. To understand myself is my greatest task in life now so that I can be at home with the preson I know I am but haven't quite met yet. Contentment is so hard to find when I act on my own will. My own will always leads me down a slippery slope, so now that I have trudged down the same old beaten path for so bloody long, and finally, utterly defeated by own wilful powerlessness, I know that it is without any doubt whatever that I need a higher power or God in my life in order to reverse the cogs of my mind into positive action. I have to keep them well oiled by following His will for me. Having tried to follow the good path, I have found that everything just goes right. things fall into place so long as my motives are correct and not self-seeking. It's a hard line but massively rewarding. I'm OCD, an addict, an alcoholic, wired up wrong, whatever it is, I'm not all there, so I have to dive straight into this if I'm to benefit. The buzz is infinitely better than any drug, food, place, person or thing I've taken, eaten, been to, known or bought. In my view, I have a fear-based illness that will kill me if I let it. Everyone one has this to differing degrees but I regard myself as lucky because I have to do something about my problem. Some people can go through life without learning a thing but that could be because they don't need to. I really need to because I'll do myself in if I don't and the bottom-line is that I want more than anything to be useful and decent. Example; a driver cuts me up on the motorway so I flash him, honk my horn, put my foot down to make my presence felt. In my head, my first reaction is that the other driver has done this intentionally to anger me, he's targeted me and I will seek revenge to make him understand the anger he has given to me. I will pass back the anger, but that's the lie. He's probably just angry or late. If I let it go as soon as he passes by, all thoughts of anger are gone in an instant. Already I have won the battle against myself and am free to think of other things, rather than trying to cause an accident at eighty miles an hour and letting it pound my heart into my throat. I take back my will all the time and think incredibly insane things. Resentment is the hardest to get over but if I can be man enough to forgive whoever it is that I resent, that resentment disappears immediately. It's gone in a flash if I genuinely pray for that person. God's will for me is that I conduct myself in a decent, respectful way and that I'm kind to others. It's plain common sense that decency and respect comes back to me if I am true to His will for me, but like I say, I take my will back behid a wheel or on a forum topic! or socially or watching the news. God gave us free will so that we could, if we chose, enjoy heaven on earth, right here and now. I don't care what happens to me after I'm gone so long as I make something of this life because it's all that I have. My kids deserve a good father too and I want to be a part of their lives. I can show them how I went wrong but it's showing them how I went right that will help them. I really hope that I don't come across as a God-bod. I just want to be the person that I am and I know that handing my will over to a God of my understanding works if I work at it. While it's a personal thing, I see no reason why I shouldn't share my thoughts with others here as a forum topic. If it helps one person, even for a day, then it's been worth sharing. Surely to set oneself free from fear and resentment is the ultimate aim in life because that's when life really starts. All the best Richard

As the length of this thread grows and grows into a meandering mesh, only one thing seems absolutely certain to me; Analysis is Paralysis. I'm going for a walk on Wimbledon Common. The baby swans I saw with my daughters a few years ago will have grown up now and I'd like to feed them some bread and say hello. It's a beautiful day and I'm going to enjoy everything I do. It's taken a while, but I've just realised that I'm a very immature person who needs to form a relationship with myself. Some say that if we really want to feel right with our fellow man, we should start by loving and nurturing plants first, then pets and then people, but I feel that I need to start by loving myself first. If I can't have a relationship with myself, what hope do I have of feeling well with others?