Advice for future work: Some thoughts on pieces by silver spun sand, x-ray-cat and nobody

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Mon, 2006-04-03 15:12

Today, reading through the recently added pieces, I thought I'd try to offer some practical suggestions as to how pieces could be improved, as, after all, none of us is perfect at this old writing lark:

http://www.abctales.com/story/silver-spun-sand/the-purple-scarf

I'm not sure about this, so I'd like to ask the author, why the nonstandard punctuation? Throughout this piece there are dashes replacing other pieces of punctuation. It does create an effect I think, but I'm not sure whether it detracts or adds to the piece. Also the story changes tense about halfway through. Is this intentional?

I think I'd be interested in hearing the author explain their intentions with this piece.

http://www.abctales.com/story/x-ray-cat/suicide-note

I thought this was interesting, but starts at the wrong place. I thought that, by far, the most interesting part is the last paragraph, because it tells me about something about an experience that I didn't know, and places the narrator 'in' the world. The rest of the piece takes place, more or less, inside the narrator. If I were writing this, I'd try to write only about the parts that happen with other people to witness them, and as much as possible still the interior monologue aspect of the piece.

I'd give the same sort of advice for this piece also: http://www.abctales.com/story/x-ray-cat/stitches The interior monlogueness is interesting to an extent, but I'm not overly keen on narratives where you only have someones word for it, unless this is for some direct purpose. I'm interested in a characters world, rather than just their thoughts about themself.

http://www.abctales.com/story/nobody/the-riverside-ch8

Generally, I've been enjoying these pieces by nobody as they come through, but I'd like to make one observation: At times the writing is a bit pedestrian. I'd like to see a redraft of this piece, loosing about a quarter of the words at least. There's some good stuff here but it needs pruning. For example:

"Nigel pulls himself to his feet, limbs, old before there time, creaking as he tries to steady himself. Another yawn and he rubs the remainder of the sleep from his eyes as he shuffles down the walkway into the yard on the back of the shops."

could be rewritten far more succinctly without loosing any detail or meaning as:

"Pulling himself to his feet and rubbing his eyes, Nigel shuffled down the walkway into the yard at the back of the shops, limbs creaking as he steadied himself."

I think it's important to pass on thoughts like this, otherwise people never get any indication of how their work might progress. Any one else come across a piece lately that they want to nudge from being okay to being better? Constructive criticism is probably the most valuable thing a writer can ever recieve.

Anyone got any to give?

Cheers,

Mark Brown, Editor, www.ABCtales.com

Mon, 2006-04-03 16:23

Moimo

Cheers for the feedback Mark, that's exactly why I'm here on the site, to improve my writing. Will look at it again and do as you've suggested. Thanks again. nobody

Mon, 2006-04-03 18:13

rokkitnite

I found x-ray cat's pieces very tough to read, not because of the writing style, but because of the harrowing content. I assume they're autobiographical, and if so, I hope things get better for him. Life is pretty tough sometimes. I don't have any hackneyed bromides ready to trot out, but he's a talented writer, and that's something to be proud of.

Mon, 2006-04-03 19:15

Silver Spun Sand

It's always so rewarding for a writer when someone takes the time and trouble to actually read what they've written and constructive criticism as well, is a real bonus. Thanks so much for the feedbark Mark. On the question of the punctuation. In my understanding, dashes are used to create a larger pause or gap between words than a comma can convey, when there is a break in sense or meaning and/or when there are omitted words. The setting for this piece - in its entirety - is inside someone's mind at the point of death. What I wanted to convey was confusion - hesitancy and almost a sense of the surreal. For instance when she is desperately trying to piece together in her mind, the last few hours and minutes of her life:- "She'd been on her way to a business convention in Geneva - taken a plane from Heathrow that very morning - traffic was lousy on the way to the airport - only just made it." All her memories were hazy and disjointed - only slowly could she recollect them. If I had used commas instead of dashes here, it would infer that we think 'joined up.' I know I certainly don't - but on the other hand - maybe it's just me! Now hand-writing is another thing of course! Mind you if you write in italics, like I do - my writing's not joined up either!!!!! To take another example, when her husband sees her in the hospital after she has just died:- "Only - she looked so peaceful - so serene - almost happy." Again here, I used dashes to convey his eyes, slowly, so slowly, taking in every detail of her face - knowing it would the last time he would see her. And likewise, when he was speaking his last words to her, his speech would have been slow and deliberated:- "We're all going home - very soon now darling - you, me and Lucy.... Never did like flying - did you?" As for the change in tense - yes you are right. This was intentional. The point in the story when this occurs is when she hears, or appears to hear, help on the way. Hence the tense changes from past to present to create a feeling of immediacy:- "She hears something. Talking - people talking! The kid's come back with someone .....!" Over the brow of the hill she finally sees them ........ Thinking about it though - maybe the whole piece would have been better in the present tense. I shall have to try it sometime. You've given me something to think about. Ty again Mark. And with that the lady 'eats, shoots and leaves'! Tina

Mon, 2006-04-03 20:53

josiedog

That was brave but invaluable stuff from Mark, and as nobody said, it's one reason why I'm here. Just find it difficult to find the right comment sometimes. I think nobody's writing is coming on in leaps and bounds and they were real constructive suggestions (though I wouldn't have dared say pedestrian). The reason i don't read or comment on so much of his work is its subject matter - a bit close to home - but as the writing improves i am getting drawn in. Can you do that for the rest of us now, Mark?

Mon, 2006-04-03 22:41

yan

Brave, yeah. Respectable. It has the potential to hit home with every member and isn't aimed specifically at any particular pieces of writing.

There's nothing more mind-teasing than the incomprehensible eagerly avowed -
Dennett

Tue, 2006-04-04 12:21

bobblehat2023

"In my understanding, dashes are used to create a larger pause or gap between words than a comma can convey, when there is a break in sense or meaning and/or when there are omitted words." I think the dashes would do this more effectively, if you actually did have a break in sense and meaning. "She'd been on her way to a business convention in Geneva - taken a plane from Heathrow that very morning - traffic was lousy on the way to the airport - only just made it." To me this just read likes four logical and conventional sentences but with the full stops and the words: 'She'd, The and She'd' removed from the start of then sentences. I think representing disjointed thoughts is a good idea but I think it's a slightly more complicated process than this.

Tue, 2006-04-04 18:54

Silver Spun Sand

I think you have misinterpreted the purpose of the dash. I.e. they are used EITHER to create a larger pause than with a coma, OR to denote missing words, OR to signify a break in sense or meaning, etc. I.e. In the above example:- "She'd been on her way to a business convention in Geneva - taken a plane from Heathrow that very morning - traffic was lousy on the way to the airport - only just made it." Not only are there are missing words ie. she'd, the and she'd, as you quite rightly stated but also, trying to piece together the fragments of memories in her mind, her thoughts were slow and disjointed - i.e. the need for longer pauses than with the comma. Hence the justificication for the dashes on 2 out of 3 counts. As for a change in sense/meaning, not applicable in this instance but the use of the dashes is quite valid and correct. As simple as that - in my opinion anyway! Any other takers??

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