Hypocrisy

Hi Jude, keep 'Levonelle'. Medications have such exotic, musical sounding names. Levonelle sounds so feminine, so smooth.... In 'Leveonelle', I'd suggest having a look at how many 'the's appear. If it was me, and I'm not a poet, I'd try to find a way of getting rid of some of them, because they make things seem less immediate to me, like an extra bit of distance between me and what's there. In 'Parah Adumah', in the line "You can do atonement better than I", I'd substitute 'me', for 'I', just because 'I' sounds a bit mannered, and 'me' sounds more honest. Again, I'd look at the amount of 'the's and see if there wasn't a nifty way to take a few out. Hope this helps. Cheers, Mark

Yeah, defnitely keep Levonelle. This is one of those cases where people who know the name's significance will enjoy the ref, and where peopel who don't would probably look it up. My two penneth: After the party, I passed out from drink [don't need "from drink" - party + passing out usually = booze] oblivious to restless vessels, [comma not needed] of magma in my nose [grammar? I'd full stop the end of the last line and begin this as a separate short sentence]the warning gauge failed. Unknown that night, I bled a delicate tulip red [snip out "a delicate tulip red". End the line on "I bled" then go straight on to "a Bruegel masterpiece"] a Bruegel masterpiece onto my pillowslip, blood [replace "blood" with "red" or something similar as you have "bled" and "blood" in the same stanza and one is enough]blooms flecked with cocaine pollen. [subtlety? Maybe "white pollen"? Then people draw their own conclusions. Less said, more shown] First whip of next morning, I took vicodin and half-chilled beer dazed in a back yard of bindweed and poppies and sat in the sun [I would switch "dazed in a back yard of bindweed and poppies" with "I took vicodin and half-chilled beer" (maybe "with half-chilled beer", as you don't "take" beer) to make the sentence smoother] having suffered black-out en bloc; on my upper arm were purple petals of doorman’s fingerprints no other memory. [I think as you've already said you passed out, and as "purple petals" is such a good image, I'd snip this stanza right down to just "My upper arm wore the purple petals of the doorman's fingerprints."] How many layers of soil cover this bedrock I wondered reclining in the gazebo, peeling blood-flakes from my skin, and happy just because it was spring. ["happy for spring"? I have a thing about "just" being in there. It's almost like an apology, which you don't need to give. You can be happy for small reasons after all.] Hope zis helps!

Top gun Jude. Looking ace - tight as a drumskin and now it feels like the kickass imagery gets to come to the fore a little more.

Levonelle I really liked. I am not usually a poetry reader or fan. BUT the images from this read like an amazing bit of flash fiction for me. I hope thats ok. :) I would agree that 'happy for spring' is a bit strange. I like the fact that for some reason I get 'heroin and cocaine' from this piece. There is a certain implied decadence and carelessness which reacts well with the obvious pain and fear of the narrator. Also I am not sure what 'vessels of magma in my nose' describes unless you are talking about snorting.

Levonelle's definitely working, for me. Love the doorman's petals. I'm not sure about the final couplet. I like the question about the bedrock? The halfrhyme's okay but, it still feels a bit forced. I'd get rid of 'happy for spring' I think. Nice one. Joe

'When father scooped us in the chuckle of his arms.' Sheer genius. We should preserve you in aspic, whatever that is.

thanks for your comments on my poem jude..I made the mistake of thinking the comment came from someone else..still trying to get use to this system. I am reading your stuff and trying to think of something inteligent to say..may take a while..