Fly on da wall

People say they wanna be a fly on da wall, but that’s bollocks man.

I’m telling yer, it’s as boring as fuck.

Take today like. They say to me, be a fly on this guy’s wall, so two hours I’ve been here like, watching him with my big, wide, compound eyes, much better than your eyes, shit, I can see colours you don’t know exist. And what’s the guy done? Nuffink. He’s just been sat there like, playing on the computer, he was even on the phone for over ten minutes talking about his dry cleaning. I’m not kidding, he was like this shirt and that shirt and where’s my tie, it’s all he talked about. A terrorist threat he’s s’posed to be.

And flies have no respect, like. Everyone’s like, you’re a fly, not a proper spy.

The other week, like, I was in court, giving evidence for this drugs trial, and I swear this judge goes and tries to swat me. He picks up his Daily fuckin’ Telegraph and tries to hit me. And I was a witness, I wasn’t even on trial or nuffin’. The lawyer went mental, he’s like “leave the witness alone your honour.”

So don’t give me this ‘I’d like to be a fly on the wall crap’.

Christ this guy’s dull. He’s writing an email about a muffin. He’s writing to the fuckin’ Chief Exec of the muffin company to say his fuckin’ muffin this morning wasn’t jiggly enough. Didn’t make him spunk, like a good muffin should. He’s asking for COMPENSATION.

I’m gonna crap in his coffee.

I’d rather do anything else than this fly on the wall crap. What I’d really like to do is be an architect, you know, drawing buildings and shit. I love buildings, and I’d bring a fly’s eye view to the whole thing. I’d wow the fuck out of everyone.

But they say to me, like, you can’t be an architect like, ‘cause you’re a fly. Like that fuckin’ matters!

It’s the same with all the good jobs: surgeon, movie star, model, pilot. ‘You can’t have a fly flying a plane’ they say, what the fuck’s that about, I can fly can’t I?

They don’t give no jobs to flies like, they just expect us to live off shit. I don’t want that sort of life man, I ain’t eating nobody’s shit. It’s not even good for you, it’s just waste, none of the vitamins I need in that shit.

So I s’pose this is better than crap. But man, a nine hour shift I’m working, and I had to work on Sunday. I mean, what if I was religious, when would I get to do god and shit? They make out it’s all so glam though, fly on the wall, undercover agent, living it large at da espionage.

Watching a boring fuck do fuck all.

What’s ‘e doin’ now though? He’s coming over here. ‘e’s looking at me like, really STARING. He’s got something in his hand like.

Shit!

He’s only got a fuckin’ camera like. He’s taking my photo. Fuck.

He’ll email that round all his friends. Won’t be long fore he twigs I’m the same fly that was in Mrs Kershaw’s house three weeks ago. The whole fuckin’ game’s wide open now. He knows who’s watching him.

Fuckit.

I knew it. I should’ve just been happy and ate my shit, like mum said.