Important accoutrements for authoressess

* has a mental block when it comes to that show*

... an AK47 ...

oh and i quite forgot ... a bouncer ... taj dear????

I've always thought a pink Porsche was camper than a VW. I just adore those Wankel engines though.

As long as I don't get shot with battenburgs again. I don't think I could survive another blast of that cake. Anyway I am off to dream a dream of merry wonderment (new word?).

*offering iFB AKake47*

how kind ... thanks chaps ...

entirely forgot ... every lovely luscious book you ever wanted just appearing on your desk ... sort of amazon without the postage ...

I'd like an endless supply of ready- rolled fags, and Guinness-on-a-drip, please. (Or maybe, on reflection, a catheter would be better)

I'd like a button in my back, like that old '70's doll Tressy had. So that I could have long hair, or short short hair whenever I wanted it.

*having recovered from hysteria at above comment* an essential accoutrement for today's authoress is ... a power shower ... well yes ... i know it is hardly entertaining ... but ... today's authoress should NOT have to hunker down in the bath tub with one of those piddling rubber things that connect to the taps ... SHOULD she????

I tried once to get in touch with my feminine side. She slapped me and called me a randy old bugger.

what year was that WH???

A very good year, young ivory - way before the invention of the Tardis I know it is the wrong thread thingummy but I get rather confused in this e- web- cyber-DVD-ISP-ABC gizmo environment, but just as my lips touched the rim of my glass of Old Adelstrop Port I remembered a quotation by a young chappie who was almost as pre-eminent (and definitely pre-Eminem) in his field as I am in mine. I refer, of course, to that paintist, Francis Bacon. 'Champagne to my real friends and real pain to my sham friends!' pip etc.

we make a plea for earrings ... the best ones are the ones your friends give you ... the worst ones are the ones your mother gives you ... they are an important accoutrement ... and can be measured using that euro measurement - The Dangle Quotient ...

that hair-length control button is a clever idea. don't think you should stop there tho...could have buttons for all kinds. may i suggest a poodle switch? women with whole control panels in their backs! wowwwwee *braces self*

not QUITE sure what the poodle switch would do robert ... would it turn the woman into a poodle? and would the poodle also have a woman switch to turn him back? i am slightly disturbed by your apparent desire to have a woman turn into a poodle ... and wouldn't you also rather there was an "elf switch"?

Robert, the virtual newsagent on the site G.K Rawkins (all newsagents have names of that ilk) has a message for you; apparently the latest copy of Elf and Efficiency is in stock. Must be some sort of business magazine for fairy-folk.

ta...it's this issue that comes with the free magic glasses [make every woman you look at seem like an elf]

Any discussion of the elf subject turns me right off I'm afraid - that's why I've not been able to drink at the *** and unicorn (or whatever its called). You see, for my sins, I work in "Elf and Safety". I'm a "Elf and Safety Adviser." Awful isn't it? So when I'm trying to be an authoress I don't want to think of 9 to 5. My important accroutements are 1. My IMac 2. With earphones and music - radio or CDs 3. Red wine, then water, then coffee. 4. The curtains open so I can see the street 5. Books around me for encouragement ( Pat Barker, Lesley Glaister, Ian Banks, Sebastian faulks etc etc ) 6. understanding and encouragement I can't wear lipstick when I'm writing cos I sort of chew it off and I rub my mascara off as well.

But the beauty of this one Gabrielle, is that you can't chew it off!! Even drinking red wine, that monster of the inner blue stain effect, can't affect this queen of lippy. Thats why fishwife and me can barely contain our excitement!!!

*rushes back from town* good news!!!! ... lippy stayed on through: one enormous cafe latte enormous burger enormous pile of chips (plus mayo) 1 pint of hoegaarden 1 pint of kronenburg 1 spliff 3 cakes 1 enormous cup of tea 12 cigarettes 1 walk home in the almost rain

*purses leather thong lips in teeth of gale* would it survive Bentangaval's climate and the chewing of rare orchids and moss?

I wish to let it be known that my esteemed client Ms FishBone was deploying her ENORMOUS massive sense of humour during the penning of the above contribution to the above thread and in no way reflects a real or actual situation to be found at the home or abode of the aforementioned Ms FishBone or any of her acquaintances thereof. My client in no way condones the consumption of any or all of the above mentioned items with particular reference to "cakes". Reduced fee for early consultation at our web address. Yours sinceerely R.Gument B.Sh, pHD, Etc. Dogplop & Dunne, Literary Solicitors esq.

Ooooooooooooh I do NOT berleeve that it Stays on like you say it did. Mine never has and I should Know.

at last! ... someone who understands the dreadful problems us authoresses face ... i count this as A Very Important Discovery Liana ... a true service to womanwriterkind ... i am running out now ... wearing only my bra ... in order to buy some ... (tho on a personal note ... i feel the drum roll wasn't strictly necessary)

*just back from superdrug ... have gone for Sassy Insolente ... wondering if it might actually be snog proof*

Mmmm *thinks name of lippy suits fishwife* I went for #150 myself, "Bare" Is it still on through several coffees? Mines been on since 8.30, kissing kids of to school, but alas no major snogs. *loves being this frivolous*

I love lipstsick, especially on my collar

i have just checked with the departmental administrator and he assures me it is Still On ... i like that extra tube of greasy stuff you get with it ... it's terribly hi tech isn't it??? *would like to broaden discussion to include other essential authoress accoutrements*

or, accoutrements that we wish would be invented?

Large, self emptying ashtray, to go with the self replenishing vodka tonic.

never ending string of passionate inspiring lovers ...

Is this the queue for passionate, inspiring lovers?

err no wild ... that is the queue for ashtray emptiers ...

oops ... my mistake IFB ... can you poit me to the queue for frustrated writers and ex guitarists?

Did someone say important accountants? That would be me

lipstick report ... lipstick stayed on very well ... until about 7 pm where i realised with horror that i looked like kate o'mara or whatever she's called ... you know from Triangle ... anyway she turned up in a cell on Bad Girls last night not looking a day older ... and middlefishbone says to me ... you can tell when someone's had a face lift cos their skin is all orange ... however ... the latest accoutrement i have designed is a Magic Custard Slice Box ... every time you open it there is a fresh custard slice within ...

... the latest required accoutrement for THIS modern authoress (due to pressure from junior fishbones) is a VW Camper ... so if you know anyone who has got one please tell me ...

Can't keep me out. Has anyone tried that Maybelline stuff that is like a cross between lipstick and lip gloss ? Andrew's two-second review is - no more shiny than ordinary lipstick. Listen, I can be as femme as any of you. I've regularly been described as an honourary girl and for a long while was good friends with a very glamorous transvestite. Cosmetics I can talk about - pads I draw the line at. Mmmmwwwa !

Wot's lipstick?

andrew .. speaking as someone who has seen you in the flesh so to speak .. i think you would look lovely in shocking pink sort of shade of lippy ... shall i bring some to lincoln next monday and leave it with your charming receptionist boy??? hmmmmm .... charming receptionist boy ... another accoutrement methinks ...

... oh ... and The Idiot Guide to Buying VW Campers ...

OOh yes Will the charming receptionist boy have cheekbones? MMmmm

And will he be an exceptionally good cook? *enunciates very carefully*

Yes Liana, it's always best to have safe enunciation if social intercoursing is taking place with strangers.

I can talk about it, not wear it. While we're having the girly chat, and *crowbarring Ulysses reference in* 'tell me what kind of perfume do you wear I must know' This to all abcers. I wish I had cheekbones. And piercing blue eyes like my dad. What a downer.

Donna Karan's Cashmere Mist Sounds like a Bridlington Tea dance air freshener, but I don't think it smells like it. *hopes*

Clinique's 'Happy' when I want to be and men's perfume (Fahrenheit...ummm or Cacherel...double ummmmmm) when I am.

Donna Karan's aftershave for men was the best fragrance I ever bought, super-sleek black bottle curled up like an ammonite or a raygun, smelling of apples and petrol. Very fine. I also had a very nice Commes de Garcons one called Snowing, which sort of smelled like christmas pudding being made, lots of festive spices.