the vitality of a vessel

TW: self harm, depression, mental hospital, gender dysphoria.

Author's side note: I started this piece intending to describe what it feels like, to me, to be a female-to-male transgender. I'm not technically "closeted," seeing as I've come out to a number of people--including my mother, but I have been unable to transition due to the large lack of support, which is vital seeing as I'm only fourteen. I got off the subject of being trans, but rather went on to my experience of how it feels to be so disconnected from yourself and what others judge you upon.

i try to understand
to reason with myself
why i feel so disconnected from this vessel,
and from that, why i feel so disconnected from this world

at first, i thought i was
too fat. it seemed to be a lot of the girls' problems
and so i began starving myself at the age of twelve.
quite a bit of weight loss later, i realized that
this was not the problem. i still felt horribly ugly,
like a defective toy tossed aside from
all the stunning dolls.

at that time, i didn't understand
and at that time, i was vulnerable
my best friend stopped talking to me randomly one day
and a few days later, about a month before my
thirteenth birthday, i began cutting myself.

the scars still lay on my wrists
and on my thighs, if you know where to look
they're hard to spot, white, because scissors
don't truly cut. they rip and tear.

when i told my mum
i had been doing this, she
got me an appointment with a doctor
and refused to put me on medicine. or get me
therapy. the doctor gave me advice, and even though
i followed it, it worsened.

eighth grade was lonely
and stretching out my stomach hurt
eighth grade was lonely
and, more often than not,
i regarded myself as dirt.

when i got put into my freshman year,
i tried to promise myself to turn these things
around. i joined student council; i attempted to
blend into the crowd. i started out getting straight
A's, which made my mother proud,
but as time passed along,
i felt myself falling out

in late November,
something in my mind fell just right,
and set off a switch, like turning off a light.

my mind ceased to race only sometimes, now,
and began to race all the time; like turtles
winning the race, like pigs learning how to fly.

i felt a weight in my head, which ran to my throat
which invaded my chest, and sat in my stomach like
a boat. trickled to my toes, like droplets of rain
leaking out of the gutter. turned my head into lead
and refused to let me slumber.

i didn't sleep for days, which was equivalent to
sleeping all the time, for if I blinked and opened
my eyes, i couldn't tell you if it was winter or summer.
when you cannot keep track, and when you forget
time, you do not compensate by setting a watch,
but instead start losing your mind.

i didn't have an idea of what to do,
and when you go insane, you tend to become a fool;
i couldn't tell when i was awake, and when i was
asleep, and so with a final thought, i cut myself
to stop the ringing.

the wounds went ignored
and hid under my sleeves,
like rabbits laying under trees in the yard,
covering themselves with leaves.

i had an appointment with my counselor
and chose to tell her i was contemplating
saying goodbye. she stared at me with wide eyes,
honestly looked quite surprised. had to call in my
mum to tell her i was at risk, for i had a plan
and i had, various times, slashed at my wrists.

that was when we went to the emergency room,
and the hospital came into view, because
broken and blundered as i may be, they thought
their dreams of cures could come true

i have been out of the hospital for
a little over a month, and while it helped some,
all they did was give me drugs.

i am disconnected;
this vessel doesn't match my inside
and being so hurts a load, but it's no longer
a surprise. my future seems nonexistent, like
a big, black 'O,' and as hard as I try to create
a picture, i only feel more alone.