Jeb and the magic rabbit

As a reward for bringing him back to life, the Ruler of the Universe had promised Johnny that he would take over as Ruler of the Universe when he died. To Jeb, he’d given a rabbit, albeit a rabbit with magic powers.

 

At the time, Jeb had felt hard done by at his inferior reward, but his disappointment didn’t last long. Given the choice between being Ruler of the Universe at some distant point in the future, or owning a magic rabbit now, who wouldn’t want the magic rabbit?

 

He took it home at the earliest opportunity, wanting to try out the rabbit’s magic in the sanctity of his own bedroom, not sharing the experience with Johnny.

 

But he didn’t manage to get the rabbit as far as his bedroom. His mother was waiting for him when he got in, and stared unapprovingly at the rabbit.

 

“Mum, I’ve been given a rabbit,” he said.

 

“Have you now, and who gave you the rabbit?”

 

Jeb thought this through before answering. ‘The Ruler of the Universe’ would be dismissed as being cheeky. ‘A complete stranger’, would be the wrong answer, ‘a complete stranger I met in Johnny’s bedroom’ would also be the wrong answer.

 

“I’ve been round Johnny’s house,” he said, answering honestly in the least honest way possible. “Someone Johnny knew want wanted to find a home for the rabbit.” This was almost true, and in the circumstances as close as he could manage to avoiding a lie.

 

“And did you say to him, ‘I don’t have a home for a rabbit, it’s not my decision to make it’s my parents’.”

 

“Yes, but I thought if I brought the rabbit home you’d understand, she’s really beautiful and I knew that when you saw her you’d understand.

 

“And what’s her name?”

 

“She’s called Esmerelda.”

 

His mother took the rabbit from Jeb’s arms and inspected it, as if rabbits had to undertake medical before entering the household.

 

“Hello Esmerelda. And how long have you had a penis, Esmerelda?”

 

“Oh, I forgot to check that.”

 

“Yes, like you forgot to check with me before bringing it home. Okay, we’ll cut a deal. You can’t keep ‘her’ in the house, you have to keep ‘her’ outside, I’m not cleaning up rabbit shit from your bedroom, it smells like a musty rabbit’s cage as it is.”

 

“But there’s nowhere to keep her outside.”

 

“You have my full permission to build her a hutch. You can even buy one.”

 

“Buy one! What with?”

 

“Well, the same secret stash of money you were planning to buy ‘her’ food with I suppose.”

 

“Right, well for your information I’ll have no problem raising the money. She’s a magic rabbit you see.”

 

“Is she? Is that where the penis came from?”

 

“Yes. No. Esmerelda, magic some money from thin air.”

 

Jeb and his mother watched the rabbit waited. Nothing happened. Esmerelda never so much as twitched ‘her’ nose.

 

“I think I’ve raised the next Gordon Brown,” his mother said eventually, “he’s relying on his magic rabbit to pay for everything.”

 

“Gordon Brown didn’t have a magic rabbit. I do. Once I’ve found out how to work him I’ll be rich.”

 

“Hmm, good luck with that. In the meantime, you might want to try the old rabbit hutch in the shed. It’ll need a clean, but it should scrub up all right.”

 

“Old rabbit hutch?” He looked suspiciously at Esmerelda, had she been working her magic after all.

 

“No, it’s not magic, it’s from the rabbit we had when you were little.”

 

“I don’t remember that.”

 

“In truth you were a bit too little to have a pet. It died when you sat on it.”

 

“Sounds like I was a bit too big. Anyway, I can’t stand here chatting all day, I’ve got a magic rabbit to house.” He rushed outside to the shed, where, buried underneath a pile of useless junk, was an older pile of useless junk, which included an ancient rabbit hutch. He dragged it out and set to work repairing and cleaning it. It was old, fragile and wonky, but would just about suffice as a hutch until he could persuade Esmerelda to magic up some money for a new one.

 

Jeb had sort of hoped that the rabbit would help with the refurbishment of its hutch. “A little bit of magic will clean it in no time,” he hinted, but Esmerelda was no help. In all it took him over an hour to get the hutch into serviceable order.

 

When he’d finished his mother came out with a big bag of straw that she’d picked up in the shops, together with a water bottle and a cuddly toy stoat.

 

“A toy stoat! What’s a rabbit need a toy stoat for?” Jeb said, which, translated meant 'thank you'.

 

“It’s to keep him company when he’s alone in his hutch.”

 

“But a stoat, they eat rabbits. How’s he going to feel sharing his hutch with a rabbit-eater.”

 

“Cuddly toys don’t eat rabbits, Jeb. You're old enough to know that.”

 

With the rabbit safely housed, Jed searched online for ‘rabbit magic’, ‘spells for bunnies’, and ‘my magic rabbit doesn’t work’, but he failed to find anything useful.

 

“I’ll give you this carrot,” he said, resorting to bribery, “if you’ll move that brick over there.” He pointed to the garden brick (an essential tool for any keen gardener).

 

Esmerelda said nothing, but leapt up onto Jeb's leg and stole the carrot he was holding. The brick didn’t move.

 

Jed sat up all night researching rabbit-magic, but there was no recorded case of a rabbit ever working magic, so it was hard to know what he could do to encourage Esmerelda to work her wonders.

 

He texted Johnny.

 

“Maybe the magic only works in my house,” Johnny texted back. "The Ruler of the Universe said something about the reward being in my domain."

 

Brilliant. He should have thought of that hours ago. “Can I bring it round now?”

 

“It’s one O’clock in the morning.”

 

“You should be in bed, then,” Jeb said

 

“You should be in bed, then,” Johnny said. “I’ll see you in five.”

 

As quiet as he could manage, Jeb retrieved the magic rabbit from its hutch outside, and crept down the road to Johnny’s house, where he found the side door open. He tip-toed upstairs.

 

“Have you tried spells?” Johnny whispered.

 

“Of course I’ve tried spells. It doesn’t work. It doesn’t do anything. Look, ‘Esmerelda, turn my blue shirt yellow’.” There was a pause, during which nothing happened. Not so much as a shirt button changed colour.

 

“See, it completely ignores me.”

 

“The problem is, the rabbit doesn’t seem to understand what you say.”

 

“Of course it doesn’t understand what I say, it’s a rabbit.”

 

“In that case, maybe it can do magic, but it can’t do magic on request because it doesn’t understand the request.”

 

“Oh my god, I think you’re right. We need to speak rabbit.” He took his phone out and started frantically pressing buttons.

 

“What you doing?”

 

“I’m looking up how to speak rabbit.”

 

“Jeb, google doesn’t have the answer to everything. There isn’t a rabbit-translation service online.”

 

“You don’t know that, you haven’t looked.”

 

“I don’t need to look. Nobody understands rabbit.”

 

“So, what do I do?”

 

“I don’t know. Maybe if you try to do the magic yourself, the rabbit might copy you.”

 

“Copy me?”

 

“Here, like this.” Johnny took a bowl of unfinished Rice Crispies from the windowsill.  The milk had moistened into the rice, leaving a bowl of soggy, fragile, ricy-milk-pods.  

 

“So if I try a spell, the rabbit might realise what I’m trying to do and copy me. Like this: ‘Kazaam, turn these Rice Crispies into solid gold’.”

 

The Rice Crispies turned into solid gold.

 

The two boys stared at the bowl for a long time saying nothing.

 

“It worked,” Jeb said eventually, “the rabbit must have copied your spell.”

 

“No,” Johnny shook his head, “that was my spell. The rabbit didn’t do anything. You know what this means? I can do magic.” So saying, Johnny went round the room, turning things into gold, changing the colour of his shirts, curtains, bed linen, he  upgraded his phone, then he made the rabbit levitate.

 

“I’d put the rabbit down, very gently down, if I were you,” Jeb said.

 

“Why?”

 

“Because the Master of the Universe got it wrong. He gave you the magic powers, so the rabbit…”

 

“Holy shit! He’s made the rabbit the next Ruler of the Universe.”