Hamster and Thatcher (deceased) - the water companies

Sir Keith Hamster, newly-elected Labour Prime Minister, is keen to re-shape socialism for the 21^st century, but none of the policy wonks in his party share his vision. Luckily, he has a secret policy advisor that nobody else can see or hear: the ghost of Margaret Thatcher.

Sir Keith arrived at No. 10 for his first day as Prime Minister to find that his official Policy Advisor, Jeff Feckland already, at his desk.

“Congratulations, Sir Keith,” he said, “You’ve done it. At last we’re no longer in opposition and can start making real change.”

“Yes,” said Sir Keith. “A vote for Labour was a vote for change.”

“There is one issue that needs immediate action. Water. The private water companies are out of control, sewage being pumped into rivers, leaks unrepaired, no new reservoirs built in over four decades, £10s billions paid to shareholders and the highest prices in the western world. We need immediate action, tough intervention by the watchdog and a crackdown on price hikes.”

At that moment, Lady Thatcher chose to appear, though of course she could only be seen by Sir Keith, with whom she showed a special attachment. “The problem is that water companies are not making enough money. If you allow companies to make a 26% increase in charges they will be incentivised to
provide a better service.”

“I disagree,” said Sir Keith to Feckland. “The problem is that water companies are not making enough money. If you allow companies to make a 26% increase in charges they will be incentivised to provide a better service.”

“Increase prices! But they’ve more than doubled the prices already.”

“You can’t manacle private companies,” said Lady Thatcher. “It’s like making slaves of them. They should be able to charge what they want, so they can deliver a service with a cherry on top.”

“You can’t manacle private companies,” said Sir Keith. “It’s like making slaves of them. They should be able to charge what they want, so they can deliver a service with a cherry on top.”

“But people don’t want a cherry on top, they just want water without shit in it. We have undrinkable  tap water in many places, beaches that you can’t go near because they’re full of effluent, entire tourist areas shut down, while they see CEOs awarding themselves £10s millions in bonuses. People will just refuse to pay."

“In which case they should be forced to pay,” said Lady Thatcher. “Cut off their water, empty their bank accounts, lock them up.”

“In which case they should be forced to pay,” said Sir Keith. “Cut off their water, empty their bank accounts, lock them up.”  

“Very well, Sir Keith,” said Feckland, “but it won’t be popular.”

“You don’t have to worry about that,” said Sir Keith. “I won the biggest majority ever, nearly, with a massive 33% of the vote. I am Mr Popularity, if I say people should pay twice as much for shitty water it’ll prove popular. Is that agreed.”

“Yes Prime Minister.”