Afternoon Lecture

I could just pick up the phone and tell her that I'm tired, tired of living this way
Living in fear, so crippling that it numbs to the bone.
But it's time for my afternoon lecture.

Tick! Tock!
I have to leave my house,
I feel the panic settle in, its hands leaving inky black marks on my neck
I can't breathe.
I feel the air leave my lungs like a punctured balloon
Only it's quiet, eerily so
Seal my lips with paper clips and hold in the howls of ghosts that threaten to spill
For I am a grave yard, and there in lies the bones of the independent life I never had
Shhhh....don't say a word, they cannot know
They cannot know how the mere thought of walking outside terrifies you.
So swallow back the raspy sobs like vomit, the way you do at night when pain comes to visit
For pain is not a gentle lover
When I feel his fingernails like talons creep up my spine,
When he digs his teeth into my shoulder, it is not with pleasure but agony I moan.

Tick! Tock!
It's time for my afternoon lecture
So I wear that mask that hangs by the door
pray to God that I don't stagger onto oncoming traffic as i cross the street
But maybe I want to (maybe)
I walk down the road in criss-cross pattern,
My legs made of jelly too wobbly to maintain a straight line
I can feel it, the little soul left sipping out
From the holes seared into my skin by their stares
Biting down my tongue,I taste the metal as blood oozes out
i resist the urge to yell,
"What the f**k are you staring at?"
It's not their fault,
they've probably never seen a person who looks like me
I stare at it in the mirror too,
this body with odd proportions and sharp edges
Trace the scars that I can reach,
feel the hardness of the ribs that protrude like an anthill in the ground
It's not their fault they stare at the atypical

I could just pick up the phone and tell her that I'm tired, tired of living this way
Living in fear, so crippling that it numbs to the bone
But it's time for my afternoon lecture.