Is there a word for it?

How to encapsulate that feeling? Like loss, bereavement, a tender crushing feeling that you want to push you to tears but they just won't come. Like seeing beauty and feeling a kind of ache knowing that even as you experience it and it's there right now, you know that it's dying, that it's lost, that even as you're feeling it you can't quite touch it. Somehow like trying to draw a perfect circle freehand and searing it, slicing it, so balanced, so fine, that it's impossible, yet it exists. The frailty, the unquantifiable weight of love. Pure, mind-frying, infinite, and yet it surrounds you, surrounds us all. Existence. Painful. So exact and so accidental. What is it? Chaos with predictable patterns that still somehow manage to surprise, confound, delight, and overwhelm. I feel filled to the brim with it and it's almost unbearable but I don't want to be without it. It is everything and it is nothing.