Y: 8/27/03

Work Diary, 8/27/03

Some hmm'ings&;#8230;

1. Self-preservationists like me make the worst mates. We become
self-preserving when we learn no one cares. When someone finally does
care, we can't appreciate it.

2. Last weekend I went to a dance club by myself. Subsequently, I
danced alone. This isn't unusual; the places I go to lend themselves to
that sort of thing. In a sea of drunks, what's one more bobbing head?
Being single, however, made me self-conscious where before I was just
glad not to have to worry about a partner. I'm wondering how far that
will extend to the rest of my life (and for how long).

3. I've written several bad poems over the past couple of weeks. I
deleted them yesterday. The poems made perfect sense to me, but only to
me. I can't distill emotions into poetry, so I don't want them read.
It's like going to an office Christmas party, getting wasted, and
photocopying your butt in full view of your more sober employees. Would
they even begin to understand?

4. I bought my partner the new "Lord of the Rings" DVD, thinking we
could watch it tonight. He's in his room all right, the door shut,
watching it with his "friend." In what I hope is an objective reaction,
I realized this evening that the little niceties - the running out for
ice cream, washing his sheets - will probably need to stop. Otherwise,
how will I break free of the other, deeper patterns?

5. My apartment search has come to a screeching halt, mostly because
the classified section of the local newspaper's website crashed two
days ago. I still want something simple, even a studio, but then I'm
afraid it'll feel like I've landed in some mid-grade hotel. If I do end
up running away one last time, I should at least shoot for something
nice.

6. Yesterday, during one of those telephone conversations with long,
meaningful pauses, my ex-partner said that he'd subsumed his own wants
and needs for too long. Essentially he'd placed himself second so that
others could get on with their lives. I was proud of myself, staying
calm and collected when in fact I was furious. One, it was (still is)
my understanding that relationships require a certain amount of
sacrifice. And, two, the list of things I've allowed to slip away in
order to please my ex-partner would fill a book. Is it possible he's
going through a mid-life crisis ten years too early?