The Nutcase Friendly Bible - Cain and Abel

(Scene 1.  Cain and Abel at the altar.)

Abel :-  Oh, did you see that?  Fire from Heaven came down and devoured the meat and the bones of my lamb.

Cain :-  Huh!  Didn’t happen to me.

Abel :-  Look Cain, that is a top quality lamb, one of my best sheep.  It cost me something.  Now you just offered God a piece of rye bread that had been in your mouse trap.  The mouse didn’t want it and God didn’t want it.

Cain :-  You’re God’s special little man.  God works miracles for you, sends fire down from Heaven, and burns up all the bones of your lamb, but not for anybody else.  No, no.  Only for Abel.

Abel :-  Cain, you need to give God the very best you’ve got, not the very worst you’ve got.  You can’t just put a stale piece of bread on the altar and expect God to like it.

Cain :-  You farm animals, I grow crops and make bread.  That’s all I know how to do.  God doesn’t have a great deal of respect for the bread makers of this world, does he?  I work just as hard as you.

Abel :-  Wait until harvest time and bring the first fruits of your grain to God.  Give him a tenth of the grain before you use any to make bread.

(Cain storms out of the room and returns carrying a big bone.)

Abel :-  (Laughing.)  Is that some other rubbish you’re going to offer to God?  Lord, accept my bone offering.

Cain :-  No.  (Cain hits him over the head with the bone.  Abel dies.)

(Scene 2.  Cain wandering alone through a field.)

God :-  Cain, where is your brother?

Cain :-  I don’t know.  I’m not his paid carer.

God :-  You killed him, didn’t you?

Cain :-  All right, I did.  But he was being a right clever clogs.  He deserved it.

God :-  You deserve to be a restless wanderer on the earth all the days of your life.

Cain :-  Oh no.  I couldn’t stand that.  Being a restless wanderer on the earth all the days of my life.  God, I’m really sorry I killed him.  You wake up in the morning and you don’t realise that you’re going to kill a quarter of the world’s population.

God :-  Cain, one thing I can still do.  I’ll put a mark on you, and anyone who harms you will be avenged 7 times.