Like When Chimps Slap the Floor and Scream

"Like When Chimps Slap the Floor and Scream

Chris left today and so
I'm going to begin
drinking soon. That's
what dad would do,

and I'm learning
precedent is important.

"Inside is a room without a door.

When I wrote that,
months ago, I had no
idea. But I think I
might this morning.

I know I do. This morning,
now this afternoon
I'm sitting with coffee,
and no one to talk to.

Not that I have anything
to say, really. All my ideas
only amount to theories.
I don't have evidence
to prove them.

I've concluded so many things before,
that got turned over.

That I turned over,
in my lumbering forward,
I didn't even recognize them
as my own.
Proclamations, lessons, laws.
Do they mean anything,
once recorded?

Their power is in
their formation.

And so having
abandoned them,
I'm sick of myself
and disgusted with the vulgarity
of my glittering emptiness
and lack of kinetic affection.

What an abandoned ballroom,
I've turned out to be.

In these days filled only
with something akin
to nausea: I feel my
hysterics creeping
up the back of my mind,
then receding again.
I feel ridiculous.

I'm sick of trying
to put my finger on
what exactly love is,
at least three times I've said:
"this must be it.

And it might have been.
And then it maybe wasn't anymore.

But it seems,
that either I've still
never had love,
or that all of it was love
all along.

What a Buddhist
I've turned out to be:
everything is black or white,
but all of it is gray,

because it was never
there at all,

because "there is
nowhere,
and "nowhere
is meaningless, look:

There is no love.
There is love.
There is no love.
There is love.
There is no love.
There is love.

I always thought myself solid,
smart, cold, and efficient.
Many people told me
this was who I was.

What a liar I turned out to be.

For the love of God,
and the sake of everyone
who has to read this nonsense,
someone please save me
and take me to the other side,
where there are no mirrors
or arts or silly little girls.

Save the hearts from me,
that I've not yet broken.