How to write short form prose, 1: the ransom note

Dear Professor Storos

We have your daughter, pay us £16,000 or else.

“There’s the ransom note,” said “Hircliff, “Take this Dogboat and post it through Prof Storos’ door.

“Right away boss,” said Dogboad, skimming through the note as he donned his coat. “It’s a bit vague, though, isn’t it?”

“Vague,” Hircliff roared, “Are you questioning my writing?”

“The prose is excellent,” said Yelding, reading the note over Dogboat’s shoulder, “but you don’t say when we want the money or in what form.”

 “What form! Why in cash, of course, I’m hardly going to accept a promissory note.”

“But we don’t want a load of loose change we can’t carry,” said Yelding. “We need to specify £50 notes.”

“I suppose,” said Hircliff reluctantly. “If I say by Thursday next and in £50 notes. “ He began scribbling over the note. “Anything else.”

“Well, we don’t say which daughter we’ve kidnapped,” said Whippet. “he has four.”

“What, you think some other gang has kidnaped his other daughters?”

“I just mean we don’t know where the others are, we should be clear.”

“Okay, we’ve kidnapped your daughter Harriet. No more changes.”

“Isn’t his father also a professor,” said Winkelhiner.

“What if he is?” said Hircliff.

“Well, we don’t want the ransom to reach the wrong hands.”

“But his father has no daughter, so even if it went to the wrong professor Storos it would still be obvious.”

“In which case he may dismiss the ransom altogether.”

“Oh very well. Try this: ‘We have your daughter, Harriet’.”

“Harry to friends,” said Birch.

We have your daughter Harriet (Harry to friends). Pay us £16,000 in notes of £50 denomination by Thursday next, or else.

“We don’t say who we are,” said Yelding.

“Of course we don’t say who we are, we’re not idiots.”

“How about signing it as the kidnappers.”

Hircliff scribbles another line on the note.

“There, is that everything?”

“Shouldn’t we warn him not to involve the police?” said Cambourne.

“You’re right.”

Dear Professor Albert Storos Jnr, of 17 the Crescent

We are a heavily armed and dangerous gang of kidnappers, who wish to remain anonymous.

We have kidnapped your youngest daughter of four, Harriet Storos (Harry to friends).

In order not to displease this gang of dastardly kidnappers please have ready (by Thursday next)  £16,000 in notes of £50 denomination.

Do not inform th police, directly or indirectly, or be the cause of the police being so informed by any such means.

Failure to pay the £16,000 ransom (in notes of £50 denomination by Thursday next, as detailed above) will result in the following consequence:

• Likely injury and death to Harriet (Harry) Storo.

If you pay, however, we would like to assure you that Harriet (Harry) will be unharmed. Although we are a ruthless gang of criminals, my colleagues would like to assure you that our motives are purely financial and if you meet our conditions she will be returned to you untouched by this experience.

“Right, Dogboat, take this note to Prof Storos’s house and …”

“It’s Harriet,” cried Wimslow, rushing in.

“Harriet?”

“Harriet Storos, Harry to friends. She’s escaped.”

“Escaped. But how? We had seven men watching her.”

“Er, do you mean us?” asked Birch.

“We’ve all been here with you,” said Winkelhiner.

“Helping with the note,” added Yelding.