Extended answer - Support for Single Parents

From Lizanne:

The journey of single-parenting Single parenting entails stepping into a completely new life, embracing the unexpected, overcoming a million hurdles and maintaining one’s sanity, respect and love for God. Through the following words, I hope to give insight to those people who support single parents, and then to single parents themselves who are struggling to identify their emotions.

For someone who hasn’t themselves been a single parent, it is impossible to understand the tremendous impact of otherwise ‘normal’ emotions, thoughts and feelings, when one is parenting ‘alone’. The sense of responsibility for the lives, future, education, health and emotional wellbeing of one’s children as a single parent is magnified a hundred-fold. I don’t think words can express the weight of this responsibility – the agonising fear of failure, the self-doubt that creeps in on an almost daily basis, the loneliness and frustration of realising that this is ‘all on me’.

Even though a support system may be in place through friends and family members, this support system mainly helps in the day-to-day practical tasks, as opposed to the emotional, mental and spiritual struggles that a single parent faces. The emotions that a single parent deals with are not share-able, as they are not understandable by dual parents, no matter how hard they may want to understand what you are going through. It is not a lack of empathy from family and friends, but rather the lack of experience in single parenting. With this comes the absolute guilt that a single parent feels on a daily basis for needing and asking for help from their support system. The enormity of this guilt can lead to lifelong depression, lack of selfesteem, substance abuse and more, if not controlled. I have found that the only way of keeping this guilt at bay is through self-forgiveness. Even though I as the single parent may not have had a part to play in becoming a single parent, it was never my intention to end up as a single parent or to need the amount of help with my children that I am currently needing. The guilt trips that I place myself on are unnecessary.

By forgiving myself and acknowledging that ‘life happened’, I can cope. I had to learn, as a single mother, that I don’t have to have all the answers: I don’t need to be in control. This has been one of my biggest life journeys. On an almost daily basis, there are situations regarding the upbringing, nurturing and disciplining of my children, where I honestly don’t know how to handle the situation, despite being an ‘experienced’ mom – I mean, three children! I should be a pro! But the fact is, I can’t raise my children without God’s daily guidance. Before broaching a subject or situation with my children, it has become a part of my heart to say a silent “Help, God, I don’t know what I’m doing. I need You to speak through me to my child, because I can’t do this without You”.

God has never let me down. Seemingly impossible situations have been resolved in a way where I can see the hand of God reaching down and touching us into healing. Where I am inadequate in my parenting, God is totally adequate. Those who love me…. My support system needs to understand that had I had a choice, life would never have turned out like this. Thus, the expectations that my support system often places on me, in addition to the burden I already carry, is often times more than I can physically, mentally or emotionally bear. I need to acknowledge that my support system is exactly that: a system of friends and family who realise that I need help and are willing to provide that help, despite not being able to fully understand my situation. They are helping because they love me.

As my support system, you need to acknowledge that you have no right to judge me because of my present circumstances. Acknowledge that you are not in my shoes. You probably don’t know all the facts that led to me becoming a single parent, because I have omitted telling you all the details – for your own protection and for my sanity. So, trust my decision making. Respect me for what I am doing. Build me up, don’t break me down. And simply love me for the sake of loving me. This is after all, how Jesus loves us: unconditionally. The acceptance and unconditional love that I so desperately need from my support system can lead to my becoming a successful single parent and also, to the emotional and mental health of my children.

On Lizanne's personal note and extention of her answer:

Those whom I love…. Overcoming my own emotional trauma of the event that led to my becoming a single parent is hard enough, not to even talk of dealing with the emotional trauma of my children. I can truly understand why many single parents crack and fold completely. Or why their children do the same. The saying: “You’ll be fine, just pick up the pieces and carry on”, is well-intentioned, but is an unfortunate insult to single parents. Single parenting is a complete life change, complete mind shift, and without God, I feel that this is an impossible task.

If I, as a single parenting adult, experience the turmoil that I have mentioned, how much more do my children? They are not mature enough to identify their own feelings and emotions, let alone mine. They merely follow the example that I, as an adult, set. My children need unconditional love, even more than I, as an adult, do. None of this single parenting thing is their fault – they didn’t ask for it. Single parents who not only bring up their children as positive, well-behaved individuals, but who actually manage to get through to the other side in one piece, are un-sung heroes. Having been there myself, I salute you. You are truly amazing