camilla's blog

Monday 23rd March Todays plan Choose breakfast Do stretches , choose exercise modality and do it. I suspect I will have to have several bursts of it. Tidy another cupboard Clean dogs ears Hopefully keyboard will arrive and I will have a go with it. Supper is gnocchi with walnuts and blue cheese followed by the oranges which wont last long.

I saw the woodpecker again this morning. Today is an awful day. Perhaps the woodpecker is husbands voice saying "it will be alright love" , "we will get through this." Today I go to register his death. I have been given a list of instructions about getting more copies of not only the death certificate but birth and marriage certificates too. It makes me afraid as well as grieved. We worried a bit about the legality of getting married on a cruise...

Apparently I was married to not only an intellectual giant of his generation, but a saint. A number of people have said how lucky I was to have had him as a husband. They didn't see the stubborn, eccentric, workaholic I knew who dropped his clothes on the floor rather than walk a few steps to put them on a chair, and collected bits of newspaper "for later" which were never re read. There were vast piles of newspaper in a number of rooms. His...

A friend came to stay last night and today we "got a lot done". We found a lovely wedding photograph of husband for the front of the order of service and the one I love from his 20s for the back of it. In both he looks very happy. In the early one he looks very beautiful indeed, a young God. That was a long time before we met but his liveliness , charm, and spirit was always there. He had a beautiful smile even in the hospice. We found readings...

My husband died the day before yesterday. I am walking on Saturn in some heavy ass gas having to hold onto the furniture when crossing the room. He is not upstairs sleeping or working in his study. He won't be home at nine. He isnt up in London working or having a curry with his friends. He wont turn over in bed and put a big hand on my hip. I'm going to be a slow learner of "gone" and in between memories of "gone" there will be sattelite moons...