I need some help please.

5am is no time for me to be reading and making comments, so here's the link for everyone: http://www.abctales.com/node/546740 I'll read it later, when the sun is up. Enzo.. www.thedevilbetweenus.com

No need to apologise, MP! I should have been asleep hours ago. I have to leave for work in a couple of hours and I've not slept a wink all night. I'm perhaps a little overtired and sentimental, but it's struck a chord, the idea of you writing a story for your mother. I think I've forgotten what it's like, to be fourteen. And to have a mother. Anyway, I will read and comment later. Enzo.. www.thedevilbetweenus.com

I think it's a good start, but a few comments: I would tighten up the grammar (and do a spell check! - apartment/apparent)- there are several sentences beginning with 'Now' in one go. There are also some changes of tense (past to present and back) which confuse things a little, though I like the third-person omnipotent voice. Some descriptions of the bus ride and scenery could also be sharpened up a little. I also think it's a little long for one chapter. I would suggest you might want to divide it into two chapters, like so: "And twisted.” Tom added pushing himself back up. The two of them turned and walked down the sidewalk. (Start new chapter here) "Prosper is not a large place, as I said many times before, but now lines of cars drove back and forth. Houses and stores were decorated to the hilt with lights," etc. It will make it flow a little better if it's broken up a bit, especially since the 'voice' of the story is rather slow and descriptive (this isn't a bad thing, but needs good parameters). All in all though, as I said, it's a fairly strong start. Keep up the good work!

My experience is that mothers will love anything you write, regardless of it true merit. That being said, you're well on your way to a very good story - regardless of whose reading it. The above-posted comments are well-placed, so keep writing... you may be the first texan that i've not minded....(that's not meant to sound condescending - i hope no offense was taken because none was intended)