Secrets of the Stars by Southern Belle

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Thu, 2006-01-26 00:00

http://www.abctales.com/story/southern-belle/secrets-of-the-stars

Hi Southern Belle
I guess this is the piece you were asking for feed back on before you enter it for a competition. Well it has a very sweet, wistful quality and I enjoyed reading it. I don't know what the competition is for, so I can't comment on the subject. The only constructive crit I can think of, regards the opening paragraphs. In the first, there are a couple of repetitions that jar slightly.
You have 'The stars were shining brightly overhead,' and a short while later, 'The moon shone overhead.' You also have, 'through the air' and 'filled the air' close together. Maybe you could use some different vocab.
On the second para, I'd take out the second 'really' when talking about the moon.
In the third, there's a typo I think, 'So Jane would make up her own stories the explain them,' I guess should be 'to explain them.'
Anyway, hope this helps. Good luck with it.
Lou

Thu, 2006-01-26 00:41

mikepyro

Great. Sweet. A little work on the structure but very good. I can't believe someone else my age enjoys writing lol. Great job. "Give me the beat boys and free my soul! I wanna getta lost in ya rock n' roll and drift away. Drift away..."

Give me the beat boys and free my soul! I wanna getta lost in ya rock n' roll and drift away. Drift away...

Thu, 2006-01-26 01:12

southern belle

Thanks for the feedback guys. ^_^ And by the way, the contest is supposed to be something for kids age 9-12 (or something around there) and it had to directly or indirectly reflect the theme Secrets. And thanks tons for the tips 2Lou, I'll have to pull up my story and look at those things you mentioned. ^_^ *stares at mikepyro* Woah...weird...not only are your probably about the *only* other teen on here (and my exact age to boot o.0) you're also a texan! I mean...so far it's been uncommon enough to find a fellow american, let alone someone from the lone star state! Lol. Okay...the off topic-ness is over now. ~_^ Again, thanks a lot for the comments.

Thu, 2006-01-26 03:11

Foster

Hi SB - I thought this story was really sweet, I may even use it! But how can you enter it into a competion for those nine to twelve when you are fourteen? I work with tax so of course I'm hung up on technicalities... Well, contest or not, its a really nice story. The only thing that jarred were the repitition Lou mentioned. Welcome to ABC -

Thu, 2006-01-26 04:01

southern belle

Thanks for the comments! ^_^ And, I guess I didn't explain it quite clearly, it's a contest for children's fiction, so in other words for kids 9-12 to read, not for people 9-12 to write, lol. Oh...ummm...by the way...what exactly did you mean by you may even use it? Lol.

Thu, 2006-01-26 04:07

Foster

ah, i see. the idea, it seems it might work well to get little ones to sleep - that's all i meant. am i the only one who doesn't know what lol means? probably...

Thu, 2006-01-26 04:22

southern belle

Heh, okay, I didn't quite understand you there. Was worrying me a little bit, wondering how exactly you were planning on "using" my story, lol. By the way...lol stands for laugh out loud. It's chatspeak, heh. I tend to use it a little too much actually... <.< >.> ^_^

Thu, 2006-01-26 04:32

mikepyro

lol lol lol lol. You can never laugh to much, especially if its outloud. "Life is like a cigarette, smoke it to the butt."

Give me the beat boys and free my soul! I wanna getta lost in ya rock n' roll and drift away. Drift away...

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