Rogue by Chant
Tue, 2006-02-28 10:11
#1
Rogue by Chant
http://www.abctales.com/story/chant/rogue
May I just say I really liked this? The head corkscrewing off into the crowd is an awesome image. There are some lovely understated bits and killer internal rhymes. My only constructive suggestion is that you perhaps have a peruse of the line breaks again. As is, they feel a little arbitrary. I realise they're probably meant to accentuate the poem's quirkiness, but I wonder if you could have a reshuffle for the sake of scansion and clarity and still retain that wonderfully odd, wry ambience. Thanks, anyway. Enjoyed it loads.
chant
rokkit, thanks ever so much for starting the thread, and for your suggestions. i have revised the line-breaks with the aim of achieving greater clarity, and passed on the amended version to Fuselit. thanks also Venson for reading the poem - i think you're right about 'swimming', i deleted it in my amended version, lucky for me you were around to point that out. and thank you leftboy for your comment, i have, as i say, changed the line-breaks and will upload the new version when i get a chance. thanks guys!
AnneAdcock
Oh Venson, where did you're *fabulous* rewrite go?
Make the most of it, you're only on shore leave, you'll be back on the ship in no time.