Origami - Queen Elf

18 posts / 0 new

Topic locked

Thu, 2006-03-16 02:39

Origami - Queen Elf

Hi Lisa,
This is the first piece of yours I have read and I am very impressed. I like the way you have played with the central metaphor, exploring it wholly and very successfully.
I did the same sort of exercise with scissors in a poem posted here call 'Shear Love'. It was a very cut down (pardon the pun) version of my original...
I do feel, however, that you poem is one last edit away from perfect. For instance, the 5th line seems to cheapen the writing of the whole for me... it's out of keeping with the clever voice elsewhere. And the final line would have so much more power if you split i or even if you used the central theme: "Art Lies in Freedom" as your title and deleted the last line completely

Thu, 2006-03-16 23:05

QueenElf

Thanks for the comment, I am going to work on it.I've been taking a few days off to recharge my batteries. Lisa.

Lfuller

Fri, 2006-03-17 10:50

QueenElf

I've now edited the original, is it any better?

Lfuller

Fri, 2006-03-17 17:34

Juliet OC

i didn't read the original but i thought the analogy worked really - being folded and moulded by anothers hands. Juliet

Juliet

Fri, 2006-03-17 21:17

lisa h

http://www.abctales.com/story/queenelf/origami-edited There's a hidden depth to this, and I think it works better now. The ending makes the poem.

Fri, 2006-03-17 22:05

Silver Spun Sand

Enjoyed. Brilliant last line which reminds me of the quote - by some artist or other Matisse I think (not sure of the spelling - sorry) 'Exactness is not truth'.

Sun, 2006-03-19 11:39

jem

Beautiful! Really unusual subject, and the words are v well chosen - delicate like origami then violent like...um...not origami. I like the form of questions too. I think the rhythm could be made stronger if you sliced it up even more... 'So you think you have clever hands To cast in paper shapes/ images of A moth or butterfly,/ create for yourself/ Something that no one understands?' And/or if you used capitalisation at the beginning of lines to work with the punctuation... 'Here a Geisha with pearls in her hair. There a fan to shake and mask the foolishness of pathetic desires' Lastly, I think a semicolon - 'The craft is beyond you: art lies in freedom' - would make a stronger ending to a strong piece of work.

Sun, 2006-03-19 17:44

Silver Spun Sand

Lisa - I see where Jem's coming from and having read the poem again, I agree that you need to make those last four words - which are its essence - stronger. In fact I would use a full stop:- "The craft is beyond you. Art lies in freedom." Gives it a much punchier sound. Tina

Mon, 2006-03-20 15:28

QueenElf

I appreciate all the helpful comments, but to re-edit at this stage would be to change my poem into someone elseâ€™s vision and /or technique. The concept behind the poem is one of sleight-of-hand, producing what the master of the art makes of his/her subject. Most readers have grasped the metaphor, that of someone being remoulded to anotherâ€™s taste. Hence the reference to a Geisha, which, of all Japanese culture is deceptive. I wanted to leave it in this ambiguous state, perhaps I am wrong, but does poetry have to conform to accepted standards? I really don't feel like wrinting any more poetry.

Lfuller

Mon, 2006-03-20 15:49

#10

Frances Macaula...

Hello Again Lisa, See how many appreciate your delicate and thoughtfull poetry? I like the new edited version and even though I understand your points, also that you are 'over' the whole idea of editing, I must agree with the last comment from Tina; perhaps a full stop to seperate two very clear statements - the summation of the whole. "The craft is beyond you. Art lies in freedom." (I can't help it - I still trip on the single sentence. ) But as you say, in the end, it is your poem and the integrity of the poem as you wrote it must not be compromised. Well done. You have given us a truly poetic and lyrical expression of what I consider a poem should be - a new way of looking. Thanks for sharing it with us all. P.S. Sorry I haven't been back to the board for a couple of days... Check out my website: http://www.francesmacaulayforde.com

Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/search?q=FrancesMF

Mon, 2006-03-20 19:05

#11

Silver Spun Sand

Lisa - take a leaf out of your own book, (or poem) so to speak. As you very writely say, 'Art lies in freedom' and I agree with you - it does. Just keep on writing your beautiful poetry the way you want to and - no - I do not think that poetry should conform - in any way. A poem to me is like having a piece of clay and shaping it to inspiration. Keep on being inspired and inspiring us. Tina

Mon, 2006-03-20 19:26

#12

QueenElf

Sorry, I've removed it. I had enough with the discussion last time.

Lfuller

Mon, 2006-03-20 19:26

#13

jem

Sorry Lisa, maybe my comments came accross more critically than they were meant. I wasnt trying to suggest your writing should conform/be reconstructed, just sharing a few thoughts and reactions as a reader. Maybe that still missed the point of your poem tho so appologies. Don't stop writing - it's beautiful!

Mon, 2006-03-20 23:00

#14

camus

I'm confused...read the comments, looked for the poem and it has gone. Queenelf, I don't understand why you would post your poem in the first place if you are not willing to accept constructive crit without throwing your dummy out of the pram. Just because people suggest changes does not mean that you have to accept them, just politely say thankyou and then explain (or not depending on how you feel) why you are sticking with your original. Sitting around lapping up the 'good' crit and then stropping over the bad is not how literary criticism works, sometimes other peoples suggestions are intended to make your work better...(well that's what editors claim anyway!) Reacting in this way will probably mean that people are less willing to give you criticism of any kind in the future.

Tue, 2006-03-21 02:21

#15

Frances Macaula...

Hi Lisa, If I offended you I do sincerely apologise, I was trying to be constructive and appreciative. I started this all by saying it was a very beautiful poem and if my comments contributed to the removal of your poem from the board, I regret them. Regards, Frances. Check out my website: http://www.francesmacaulayforde.com

Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/search?q=FrancesMF

Tue, 2006-03-21 02:34

#16

Frances Macaula...

Thank you for reinstating the poem Lisa. It is quite beautiful and deserves absolutely to be enjoyed by as many as possible. Are you considering an anthology? May I go down on the list to purchase one when you do, please. Best regards, Frances. Check out my website: http://www.francesmacaulayforde.com

Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/search?q=FrancesMF

Tue, 2006-03-21 16:47

#17

QueenElf

Thanks Frances. Maybe I over-reacted, but it's not the 1st time a poem of mine has been disected and I just wanted it to stop. I've had several poems published in anthologies, I used to write for Forward Press. I've been invited to submit my poetry for a full book, but to make it pay I have to promote it and I don't think I'm up to it, healthwise. Thanks for flagging it up.

Lfuller

Tue, 2006-03-21 18:44

#18

pesky2006

Dear QueenElf I feel I must point out that it is Origami, not Oragami. Oragami. By QueenElf from the ABC set Waking The Muse I hope you don't take umbrage and withdraw your beautiful masterpiece.

Liana

Topic locked