Crop by Span

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Wed, 2006-06-07 17:06

Crop by Span

The lady says it needs an edit, so the lady gets it:

I dont want you to catch me in the kitchen
with the camera.
[line break between 'me' and 'in' perhaps? Or even one between 'you' and 'to'? (ie I don't want you / to catch me / in the kitchen / with the camera) Scans nicely, though]

I boil peas whilst smoking
watch the ceiling for condensation.
Tell the lens, this is science.
[I like this stanza very much... just a thought, but if you changed 'condensation' to 'sweat' or 'tears' (not the same, I know, but more visual) then you'd keep that lovely six-beat symmetry throughout]

Picture me with a pitta pocket
wide open as a maw
and then swinging into a car parks
to clip red corsas.
[love the opening alliteration; 'wide open' feels redundant - I always imagine maws as being agape - but what animal's maw is it? An arachnid's mandible-fringed maw is very different to a crow's maw. That said, I love 'maw' as a word, so please keep it; not sure I'm sold with the last two lines - it's quite a funny image but it seems out of register and a bit irrelevant - could you find something else more 'on-message' to fill the lines with?]

I don't sleep with my mouth open
which is a problem for porn
but slip me a Radiohead soundtrack,
and I am stunning.
[love love love - only worry is that 'Radiohead' scans nastily... just a niggle? Repeated 'p' sounds work well, again]

In Photoshop,
sweep the sky of swallows.
[like it, but I thought we were inside? Lush image but I wonder if you could tie it in a bit tighter]

Crop me open
like a Technics tape dispenser,
pick out parts with a pencil.
[I like the sound of 'Technics tape dispenser' but on a second read I'm not sure what you mean - and I'm not wholly sure how 'pencil' fits in with the whole photography motif - is there anyway of bringing it full-cricle?]

Anyhow, I think it's packed with delicious images. A lot of my suggestions are off the top of my head so feel free to ignore them. On a broader note, I've noticed you seem to be doing a lot of first-person present-tense image-list poems of late - you do them gut-wrenchingly well, but worth branching out a bit? I'd be excited to see what you come up with.
Hope that's helpful.

Wed, 2006-06-07 17:51

span

The lady is overwhelmingly grateful. That is an amazing crit! Really helpful. It is a re-draft of a speed poem, in that terrible stage where you try and make it better and lose it. Lost it. Tim you just succintly strode in and gave me a wonderful piece of style advice. Joe has been trying to articulate 'first-person present-tense image-list poems' all afternoon and just sounding offensive. Thank you thank you thank you. Hannah x

Wed, 2006-06-07 18:47

rokkitnite

Well, anyway, Great Fondness For isn't a poem like that and I think it's brilliant. Which is annoying.

Thu, 2006-06-08 09:42

Brooklands

I like Great Fondness For alot. I like the implied narrative of the ending particularly .http://www.abctales.com/story/span/great-fondness-for For me, I would lose the 'I like to look at love in private' line or maybe change it. Bring out the art side of it a bit more. Love as a private view. I don't know... Loved: "His girlfriend's face all bergamot and rose / brimmed hopeful and slack" If I'm being super nit picky, I would like peg image - although it is very visual and a cool phrase - to fit in more with the poem. I can't quite place a peg in my imagined narrative. Thanks, Joe

Thu, 2006-06-08 12:14

rokkitnite

'For me, I would lose the 'I like to look at love in private' line or maybe change it. Bring out the art side of it a bit more. Love as a private view. I don't know...' See, for me, both phrases are spot-on for their kooky surreality. They almost, almost make sense, but there's a logic gap that your brain can't help but attempt to fill. The son's announcement to his well-heeled family is a stock situation, and we're familiar with how it plays out, so twisting slightly is really effective. 'I like to look at love in private' sounds almost like a porno confession, but it's not quite. And the bit about the statue being gay (rather than his being gay, which is what we might expect) is just sublime. I think the lines not quite making sense is integral to how the piece works. I really like it how it is.

Thu, 2006-06-08 16:31

mcmanaman

I would keep the "l like to look at love in private" line, it's a great line and I like the use of direct speech too. the poem works so well because every stanza reads like an individual poem, and once you've mastered that then your winning. mcmanaman

Thu, 2006-06-08 16:54

Juliet OC

http://www.abctales.com/story/span/crop i see you have worked on this since the critics above, and it is sharp and concise, but i do find i agree with this, In Photoshop, sweep the sky of swallows. [like it, but I thought we were inside? Lush image but I wonder if you could tie it in a bit tighter] though i think that 'sweep the sky of swallows' is a wonderful image and i assume it relates to how you can alter photos, it is not clear and does jar with the image of being inside a shop. Could it be 'they sweep the sky...? or does that affect the rythmn? Also really enjoyed Great fondness for... angular as a peg, i could just picture her. Juliet

Juliet

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