Feedback?
Tue, 2006-08-22 14:43
#1
Feedback?
If anybody is willing to check out my story "Fear and loathing in Oregon" and give me some feedback id apreciate it very much, i haven't been at it very long at all and I need some tips on what i can do better, i know there's mistakes and would like to know how to improve.
CESARE BORGIA
My mistake, i forgot to include the url.
http://www.abctales.com/story/cesare-borgia/fear-and-loathing-in-oregon
Moimo
Will read it when I'm able to and try to give feedback (deffo), it may take a day or so though. I only say this because quite often newcomers storm from the site when feedback isn't instant, ie a few hours/days. It can take time.
Anyway, welcome to the site.
nobody
CESARE BORGIA
Thank you, im in no rush, ill be droping some feedback for others tonite, I figgure I should participate and do for others in return.
achristop
Thought it was very "centred" on the drug problem! Well put together, but, due to my lack of knowledge on the particular subject, was a little "foggy".....I also felt it didn't need the gratuitous Anglo-Saxon...It could stand alone, very well, without this! But, hey! I'm new at the game myself!! So don't take too much notice!!
jxmartin
Cesare,
Your piece is straightforward enough. It is an exposition on the spread of a nasty drug problem in Orgeon. You make your case adequately enough.Where I think you need some revisions are in the multitude of run on sentences. They detract from the main subject area. Short, one-subject statements are more easily digestible by readers who have little knowledge of your subject area.(me included) It may sound trivial, but give it a try. Good sentences are like bites of food. They need to be compact and easily consumed by readers for maximum enjoyment. If not, you risk losing the reader who will become confused with too many subjects in one bite.
We all fall victim to run on sentences. Nervous talkers do the same thing with a verbal narration. A good edit could save this piece. Give it a try. Best of luck.
J.X.M