West of Burton

Hi Phil, West of Burton has something, but for me, it's a bit pedestrian, with everything at one remove. It's like reading a diary account of what happened rather than experiencing it as it occurs. I've taken the liberty of quickly rewriting the first paragraph or so, so that detail is foregrounded and the pedestrian narrator is quietened somewhat: "An old friend of mine is dead. The newspaper clipping sent by my parents sits in my hand. The last people to see him said they remembered him pedalling a sunny yellow bike too small for him. A BMX. Simon had been into BMX as long as I had known him. He used to spend most evenings down the bay practicing tricks. On the train into the rural south I..." Compare that the original first paragraph: "I first heard about the disappearance of an old friend of mine from a newspaper article my parents sent. I grew up in a rural part of the south, near the sea. The pace of life was slow and the people kind in a local sort of way. Ever since I left home my parents have sniped out and sent me interesting local stories from the local newspaper. In a lot of ways they were just replacements for letters. Nothing worth a letter usually happened down there, and when it did a newspaper clipping would suffice to explain it. I talk to my parents regularly on the phone, so I know most of the family news already." I really think you need to play up the mystery in the story, and the way to do this is through language and description, bringing the reader closer to the events rather than setting them at a distance as the piece presently does. Cheers, Mark

Hi Mark, Thank you so much for your comments. They are really constructive and helpful. I am not sure I intended the reader to think 'Simon' was dead so early on. This version of the story is a first draft, and being new to all this I am struggling with my voice. I understand what you say about it being a bit 'flat' and like a diary. I suppose I was trying to convey a form of ditachment and sadness in that, to mirror the narrators feeling of ditachment from his old hometown. Ill definitly take all you have said into acount when I sit down to attempt an edit. Thanks again, Phil.