Day 34 by poetjude

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Thu, 2007-04-05 21:02

Day 34 by poetjude

http://www.abctales.com/story/poetjude/day-34

Another fine poem.
I would maybe have used "leavening" in the second stanza instead of "yeast", as it`s more in keeping with the general tone.
Would also maybe have omitted "as one" in the fourth, but otherwise a great piece of work .

Fri, 2007-04-13 11:30

styx

Yep, Jude's one of our finest. I love the line 'the halo light of laughter.'

Fri, 2007-04-13 11:50

poetjude

thanks styx and for popping it to the top...I had missed Gilbert's valuable comments when he posted them. I agree, definitely will lose 'as one'. thinking about yeast vs leavening. sometimes it's just called 'leaven' so would 'leaven in my bread' work? Thanks for the feedback. jude "Cacoethes scribendi" http://www.judesworld.net

Fri, 2007-04-13 20:01

Gilbert

Works for me, PJ.

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