Burton - seeking comments

I am now going to shamelessly bump this thread. I would love some comment on this. :)

I started to read this and got bogged down. There is a lot of repitition and no hook to keep me interested. Take the first section: A man sits at his desk and then goes to bed, but it has taken a few hundred words to get there and why? You need to start in the action of the story, make the reader want to continue. It is a fine line between painting a vivid scene and overwriting, and unfortunately after he was woken up then when back to bed, then got up and when for a paper i lost the will to continue. If it were my story, i would start from the rock slide, which is the hook and only drop in backstory if it's relevant to the plot. And avoid cliche e.g. I woke suddenly, sweating, my heart was racing. think of a fresh and original way to say it. If it comes easy its a cliche. Juliet

Totally fair and thank you for your comments. I agree about the cliche stuff, sadly. I suppose this shows what I was aiming to achieve with the first section being slow was _not_ achieved. Time for a revisit. Annoyingly a 'local' reader told me they liked it because it was slower paced. I havn't touched this piece since I posted it because I was not that happy with it and wanted to get some distance. Now I think I will take a scythe to it. Thanks again. PS Things start to happen after he has got the paper. ;) But from what you said, they should happen sooner!