Submarine by Spack

Thanks so much, everyone. Very encouraging comments. Once I get a chance I'm definitely going to run with this voice and see if I can get passed the dreaded 5000 words mark. You are right though Liana, he would get a little tiresome at this density of strange words/syllable counting over a longer piece. Maybe I should intersperse his narrative with a different perspective or letters or something... hmm. Thanks alot, Joe

'or letters or something...' Ha ha. Yes, letters. How jolly convenient. Or a poem about olives.

Thanks Freda, I'm going to try and do more with it because I really enjoy writing in that voice. This is probably because I refuse to grow up. I enjoy the weirdness and this story has helped me learn lots of new words. Thanks for your comments! Joe

I enjoyed reading this one too; I think you've invented a great character Spack. One thing I found a little jarring was the boy's age. Would someone of 15 be making their own appointments ?

I enjoyed it very much. I kept thinking something awful was going to happen to the boy. The flat objective tone is maintained extremely well throughout: not an easy thing to do. It reminded me of the Asperger boy's voice in Mark Haddon's "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time". I loved that "egg on the back" moment.

It's interesting Joe , that you said you refuse to grow up, because in a subtle way the boy manages by his observations to make grown ups look naive or in some way stuck in a rut. When I first read it I was reminded of a story I read ages ago by Ray Bradbury (I think) where a parent listens to his kids playing at mummy/daddy and is made to feel silly.

Why'd you change the title, Joe? Was called ' Triskaidekaphobia ' on UKA, which I thought was a cool title, moreso because I couldn't pronounce it.

Yeah, I don't know about his age. I wanted him to be at that age when a boy is both adult and child - the making appointments for himself was part of a strangely adult part of his personality but also, because he was secretive about his appointments (and his whole life) it seemed to me to be curiously child-like at the same time. Somehow sixteen seems too close to maturity and fourteen too young. Although I may be wrong... what did other people think of him being fifteen? Thanks very much for the lovely comments D. Bes, Chooselife and Freda. Jon, I changed the name of the story because I changed the ending from the version on UK Authors. On UKA people felt a little disappointed by the end? How did people feel about this ending? Sorry to be demanding... cheers, Joex

Fantastic write Joe, had a look at some of your earlier stuff too, that one about Swansea FC is hilarious and as a supporter of a minority club aswell, I can understand plenty of it. I liked the ending, it's what the kid is all about and keeps a constant thread.

I enjoyed this immensely. The boy is 15, I think that's spot on. He's bright, for sure, but 15 yer olds are more than capable of this kind of behaviour. I think the ending works OK, but the whole piece feels like an introduction to the character. I want more and more and more. Try writing the next bit and see if it develops into a book. Having just read The Lovely Bones and Donna Tartt's Little Friend - both featuring precocious children of arund this age - I think this has a real voice that rivals, if not defeats, both of those books and could go on to be something wonderful.

Thanks alot Tony and Robert. I'm glad you enjoyed. I am going to write some more and see how it goes. Up the Swans! Joe

Joe, I think you should stop writing this immediately. It's rubbish. Ha ha! Not really. But notice that Tony is absolutely spot on... That's exactly what I said. A tasty introduction to a voice you can apparently dash off. Wowzer. That Reverse Dictionary served you good, boy.

I came across a book today that might be of interest to Spack, maybe he knows about it. It's about an autistic 15 year old boy and has some of the techniques Spack is developing in his piece. Mark Haddon ' The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time' I haven't read it yet, but I intend to when I've finished the three I'm reading at the moment....

Thanks Emma, a few people have mentioned this book to me although I haven't read it. Apparently my story also resembles DBC Pierre's Vernon God Little as well. And I thought I was being original... Thanks, Joe

Yes, I thought this one was great too. While we're talking about these things it reminded me of Lemony Snicket. He's a person who writes books for children. I could have said novelist saving myself onetwothreeforfive syllables.

I enjoyed this so much. I work with this age group sometimes and some of this writing sounds exactly like bits from a fifteen-year old's attempts at essays, where their strange, still developing understanding of the world throws up all sorts of oddly associated thoughts. Kids this age are always showing off to their friends with similies they've invented like 'the alarm that sounds like a robotic baby crying'. Fifteen year olds thrive on allowing themselves to be affected (sometimes in a totally misguided way) by bizarre aspects of the commonplace environment which comes out so well here - brilliant and I could read loads more. I've been thinking a lot lately about the problems they are having in schools with discipline etc, and I was just thinking that it would take a really gifted writer to interest and influence young people of this age group - and they don't half need decent role models these days. Spack's got what it takes for this market I think.

Came to this late - something deep inside mustve been making me save it up. I thought it was astonishingly good - reminded me of adrian mole, except this voice is great. Fifteen I think is spot on - the age where you start to really begin to make your own sense of the world around you, and as you say - half adult, half child. Making his own appointments is plausible at this age I think. The boy talks how my own 14 year old daughter talks - bursts of seemingly unconnected beginnings. I loved it. It should definitely be expanded, but if it is - spread the counting of syllables out, because if they continued so often in an extended piece it might begin to jar or annoy. As it is, its perfect.