when you can't write for toffee...

i find nothing works so well as some homework set by someone else ...

"with gleaming apple on desk, and hand up, almost touching the ceiling" Me Miss! Please Miss!

see me after school ... and you might know i prefer oranges! *looks sternly over specs*

and, er, what do we have to do to get the cane, Miss?

but oranges are not the only fruit, are they Miss?

You can't write for toffee. What's your problem?

Hi Frank. I can appreciate that you want to turn to a literary 'crutch' when you feel a bit shaky in the same department. However, you are beginning to find the help being diluted because you might have become a little dependent on other people's words. Unfortunately the answer is just to relax and close those books just as an alcoholic might tip away temptation. You have the ability to do it YOURSELF. Just take yourself out of ordinary circumstances, even for a few hours. Do something really crazy/silly/challenging and try not to think about writing at all. You are putting too much pressure on yourself. Personally, I find that a hot bath helps. Basically, you have to stop being so hard on yourself and turn that toffee to sweet, finger-licking fudge. Do you have a routine? Sometimes enforced routine can be a killer to creativity. Simply this; when you feel paralysis approaching just don't push things. Write something casual like a letter or an e-mail, even a note to the milkman. Let the 'heavier' stuff come when it will. I hope something here helps. It's a bugger when you freeze.

*dusts off hands* ... there ... think i've sorted frank out ... i do not think i freeze ... i write a terrible lot of drivel but i just keep writing through it ... sometimes it lasts for days but i know when a phrase pops up that then is the basis for something ... i get inspiration from a lot of things ... looking, listening and reading other people ... and talking to people ... i find the same things crop up in different conversations and usually these things are the things which are troubling the mind and end up in the work ... the art is in recognising ... or feeling physically ... what works ... and trusting it ... wanky poet bit over ... where is the gin?

Bit sloe today, aren't you, Fish?

I usually ly on my bed and toss a ball around for a while with some good music going in the background. Something usually comes to me. Of course english teachers are the best source of inspiration. Narrative poetry may seem like a boring homework at first but I usually stumble across something good, stuff the homework under a pillow and start typing on the trusty laptop! ;-D

When you can't write for toffee move to forfar.

Why Forfar? Isn't that a bit far?

It's a bittie far to the Fittie bar. And no, Abitfar is further afield, up the A4 in a car with a towbar, quite close to Sickasaspag-upon-Sporran.

I cracked my longest period of writers block by sitting down to write a collection of essays on stuff that I feel passionate about, like gangster movies, The Simpsons, Frank Sinatra, The Pixies, James Ellroy, Raymond Carver, mexican food etc. By the time I'd done that, I had got back into the rhythm of writing, without having to worry about plot or characters. So, non-fiction for a bit, was my solution.

I know how you feel Andrew. The best essay I ever wrote was on John Lennon and The Beatles phenomenom. As I loved them, I found it so easy to write. Also I think that many people would say I can't write for toffee anyway.

Not true spag man!! Writers block is a curse but I find that it is best just to try and forget about it and try and do something else. If that doesn't work then start to beat your head with a large stick and curse loudly about the state of the world . If that doesn't do it then nothing else will!! Sarah.

I try fantasising about assassinating that Bush bloke...doesn't work, but it's a satisfying and fascinating pastime...

Watch out Andrea the FBI might be after you now!!

Thanks Sarah. I tried bashing my head against a window today. Problem was that my head went straight through it :)

Oh dear Spag man i don't know which to feel sorrier for - the window or your head!! That is why it is more advisable(in my head bashing experience) to bash your head with a big stick and not through a window! D'oh!

Sarah, I shall get a stick from the garden and begin bashing my bloodied head with it. Thanks for the advice.

Anytime Spag man. Be sure, however to have someone near who can dial 999 should you become unconscious! Also I have found that a medium to large stick works best. Sarah.

Someone to call 999 -Flatmate in opposite room-Check! Medium to large stick-Check! Let bashing head commence

Ow that looks sore!!!

Head bleeding too much. Better stop hitting head with stick

Yes that is advisable also get someone to apply pressure to your head and if possible stick it between your legs!!

Feeling faint. Been sick. Feel better now

Good - now that that is over go and write for toffee or fudge or whatever you want to!!

I'll try and write for wine gums. Btw Sarah I loved Northen Lights. Forgot to read that one and then read it and marvelled in your brilliant writing. Oh yeah I am going to Scotland now for my year out of London and find my true identity. May have to pop to Forfar. It should be around November as soon as my lease is up on my flat!

Thanks for the comments on Northern Lights - not so sure about the brilliant writing. Good for you spag man a year out will do you the world of good. If you do come to Forfar then I will have a bridie with spaghetti on the side waiting for you!! Plus if you come to Forfar in November then you will be just in time for my birthday, so drinks all round!!

shouldnay bother finding your true identity, spaggenach. i know him already. he's an ingratiating git

Excellent. Can't wait! I'll let you know the details nearer the time. Gotta tell family and stuff . I think they'll understand. Also got to find money and somewhere to live. Was thinking about getting a career loan and going to a college whilst staying in a B&B. I have to think about it carefully