It's been done before.....

If it was not threats what is it that Liana has? Ever since Adam ate the apple, we have sought after knowledge regardless of the risk. We look at ABCTales discussion threats and wonder about them; we watch wolfgirl swallow fish, sneaky stealing Andrew's pack of cherries, missisipi causing storms and scaring Emily and ask what is really going on; we suspect that there is something between the lines behind the text. We notice patterns of behavior and think "aha!" Why does Liana always date men who laugh too much? One of the tricks of writing threads is learning to look at our own everyday behavior as if investigating the outlandish customs of some Bohemian Sea island tribe. Like Fox Mulder and Captain Ahab, we insist that the Truth is out there and we cannot rest until we have grasped it, no matter what the cost. Like Andrea, Linsi is not as British as Mississippi very aware of her feeble thoughts. While taller than Fey Mouse, Linsi is shorter than Liana and takes a long mental photos of every good looking Italian waiter. I wish I could say that her role model is Mother Theresa. I do not dare to say who her role model is. Linsi is usually the only one to answer my prayer oooops threads ... I know Linsi is young and not just at heart. Loves expresso with Sunday Times and russles her hair with her right hand and if the East End cafe is without customers the Italian waiter approves of her mucky laugh. Deep down I know that I know that I know you all. Except for john major who is he or she?

Stunned...

*looking for waiters* *mind boggling* hehehehe......*confused but thankful that someone has taken an interest in me......*

Can't we all just scan our pictures and have an "Abc photo gallery?" or would that spoil the mystery?

I'll have you know, Jozef, ai'm as British as eel 'n' pie, fish 'n' chips and er...winkles. So there.

My thoughts are not feeble either humpffff...... I happen to be a very interesting person, now where did I put my collection of grass clippings? I don't like expresso Why can't I date men who laugh too much????

...doesn't wear jeans and denim jacket...is not an 18 year old heavy metal fan...

I date men who laugh too much?

She is slim and elfin. Neither short nor tall, maybe 5’ 5’’. She has v. dark hair which she cuts short, almost like a boy's except it has a short fringe which she blows when she is nervous or excited. She is blowing her fringe all the time. She has those big, round, dark brown eyes that look scared and scaring at the same time. When a man passes her a compliment she dismisses him with a scornful glance saying 'I love a man with a sense of humour.' Like a stupid fool, you wonder if that means you because you like to think you’ve got a sense of humour. She has a light tan all the year round through spending just the right amount of time on the sunbed. You’ve never seen of course but you know, just know, the tan is ‘all-over.’ She goes to the gym three times a week and it shows. She used to play netball for the county and moves like Darcey Bushell. She can get away with wearing leggings. She paints her lips into a full, bright-red cupid's bow shape. When you take her for a coffee (she's a Starbuck's girl not a Costa or Seattle) she leaves the shape of her lips on the edge of the empty glass of Frapuccino. You look at the glass and wish. You keep your wishes to yourself because you are such an abject coward. If she sees you checking out the sandwich bar at M & S, she creeps up behind you and pinches your bum. Just when you’ve finally got used to the idea she’s not interested she throws her arms round you and sticks her tongue down your throat, right in the middle of the office. This is her idea of a joke. Just being friendly. Of course, she knows it drives you insane and you know she won’t do it again for another three months – just about time enough to get over the last one and get used to the idea that she’s not interested. Three months later, she does it again. In winter she wears a big, heavy grey coat with a fur collar, black, leather boots and a big fluffy fur hat. She looks like the extra from Dr. Zhivago who they sacked because she looked better than Julie Christie. She lets you put your arm round you when you walk through town 'to keep each other warm.' You feel like a million dollars and don't care if anybody sees you who shouldn't. You will risk your life just to hold her for a moment. In summer she wears light, flimsy, cotton-print dresses. If she wears anything underneath it is impossible to detect. Her beautiful arms are bare. She sits at pavement cafes with her girlfriend watching the world go by, inventing life stories for everyone and taking all lunch to consume a Perrier and a chicken salad sandwich. She blows her fringe and absent-mindedly strokes her tanned arm with her slender fingers. She giggles behind her hand when the waiter spills a drink. She imagines that he's spilled the drink because he's thinking of a woman. He is, but she doesn't imagine for one moment it's her. It’s hard to tell exactly how old she is except she is old enough to know better. You tell her she is beautiful, she replies 'I know' and turns and walks away. You keep looking for her even after 22 years. You see her in every woman but you never actually see her.

Why thank you Emily but it's such a long story. And I don't know the ending yet though somehow the word 'happy' does not spring readily to mind. Spag Man - I need your help with a question mate. I buy football shirts - but only to play footie in. I only do this so, in time honoured fashion, the team I play for can tell me from the other lot and thus avoid giving me the ball. Is this OK? And before anyone tells me I'm too old to play footie - I'm 52, I'm not f**king dead. I do shave my head but you can't really tell 'cos I'm bald anyway. Comb-overs are so 'Anthony Burgess', fashion-wise, wouldn't you agree? Is this OK or should I shout really loudly at my hair follicles until they get so scared they start functioning again? Sometimes I eat curry, sometimes I just spill it down the front of my shirt depending on how many pints of Tiger beer I've consumed first. What else would you do with curry except eat it? Leave it to dry out and build a small replica of The Golden Temple of Amritsrah, maybe? Can you still get Ben Shertman shirts, Spag? Where mate?The ones I bought in the seventies have gone all threadbare at the collar and them irridescent two-tone trousers have got a nasty stain down the front. I'd put a picture over it like that bloke in 10cc but somehow I think walking down Victoria Street, Wolverhampton with a third-rate print of the Mona Lisa where my trouser-fly should be is going to finish off my already severely damaged street cred. If I can just replenish my wardrobe with all this Retro-Mod-type kit I'll be able to go and watch all those Who tribute bands with impunity not to mention kicking the sh*t out of everyone on Brighton beach every Bank Holiday Monday. I try really hard not to think of my fellow boys and girls as cretins as a kind of self-defence mechanism just in case any of them might glance at me walking down Victoria Street looking like a small, portable annexe of The Tate Gallery (remember I've got a masterpiece where my codpiece should be - it hides a nasty stain that's lying there - don't worry - I'm not in love) and loudly exclaim, 'Cretin.' For some reason the words 'stones, people, throw and glass houses' keep coming into my mind and mysteriously arranging themselves into a well-known phrase or saying. Now what I want to know is this: does this somewhat debatable lifestyle make me; a regular guy, abnormal, subnormal, a cretin, an imbecile, an arsehole, a fashion victim, a style-guru, a football hooligan, a Mod, a Rocker, a geek, a Pak, a Jew, a gentile, a Kraut, a Frog, a Paddy, a Mick, a Pommie bastard, an Aussie twat, a greasy Dago, a smelly Arab, a decadent infidel, Lenny Henry, Lenny Bruce, Dustin Hoffman, John Lennon, Hari Rama, Harry Ramsden, Hari Hari Krishna . . . . . . . . all I am saying is Give Peace a Chance.

Missi, I am not a regular guy, dammit. I am abnormal. Missi is in fact a relic of the 50's and 60's and goes on non stop about Bob Dylan. Liana showed me a picture of herself and she is damned attractive. Mister Gardner is scary in person. He shook my hand and I heard all the bones in my hand break.

I feel I have to take issue with you there, Spag. You might well be A.B. Normal (and good on yer, too) but us people over a ...um...certain age are not, necessarily, 'relics of the 50s and 60s.' Well, not relics, anyway... Whats wrong, may I ask, with being a 'regular guy'? Means, in the vernacular, that you're an OK sorta bloke (sorry, Missus!). Wicked! Pukka mate! (an' all that). 'Ere, what's wrong with Robert Zimmerman, anyway? Agree about Liana, though. Dunno about Mr Gardner, I never had the pleasure...

Stormy got me to a tee. Emily's gorgeous of course. Her voice is also just the huskiest... Dognacio, "tall and thin" Oh my God that was so beautiful I almost wept!

nobody cares what I look like then! *sob* oh I know, you've all been to my website and collect pictures of me anyway... I'm touched, thanks guys!! :)

I think I have met the stunning Miss Emily once. Not sure though. Andrea, you Dutch love. I am sorry but I am not regular. I don't like the implication that I am the same as many of the cretins I see day in and day out. To be called regualr or normal is annoying and untrue. I don't buy Ben Sherman shirts. I don't buy football shirts, I don't have a shaved head and eat curry every night. Sorry for the rant. Also there is nothing wrong with Dylan. I , infact, am a massive Dylan fan. I just wanted to annoy Missi. And Andrea, I am sure you are a damned attractive lady.

Sorry Emily, I did not see your pic.

Yes but Spag, it just means you're a nice bloke... Nothing to do with heads (shaved or otherwise), shirts or, even, curry. ps. I ain't Dutch. pps. Yes, I am.

Okay, okay. Point taken, Mr.L. I was just ranting about the stereotype I have to deal with everyday in my Surrey town. Usually, they wear Chelsea tops or Ben Sherman ( however you spell it) shirts, shaved heads, are roofers , eat curry and disrespect women. These people I can't stand. One of them called me a freak once because I wasn't one of them. All I had to say was, " Baah, Baah," and then strolled away. Later on he and his goons beat me up for being different and for my sheep remark. Funnily enough he shouted... "I aint no Horse, you mother ****er!" So that is why. I shall stop stereotyping........soon. I promise.

...I think Linsi is taller, and in her early 20s...mad for it clubber....spiky blond hair.....agree on the mucky laugh though.... Liana...I see her as confrontational...not taking any @!#$....but also with a tender side....that comes out over loads of drinks...likes drinking beer in old fashioned pubs...but spmetimes goes to trendier places where she sits in judgement on the trendies she sees around her....probably an ex-punk...now long tousled hair that she keeps pushing her hands through...am I close ?

Miles off :o))

Okay, Andrea. If I am called a nice bloke, that is fine. But young, Andrea are you Dutch or English? What nationality would you describe yourself as? More importantly, are you a foxy lady?

Spag ? Wrong on blonde-haired and very, very wrong on Douglas Adams. A nice guy, some nice stuff, but there is only one humourous writer for me, and that's Plum. Fish, it's quite nice to be indirectly a cross between Charles Dance and your doctor, but that rather depends on what your doctor looks like - he could be Herman Munster...

*just noticed Packs Maddona reference* Are you SUUURE?????

Liana to my mind looks like one of the cast of that bizarre american tv program that had a moose running around the opening credits. I am not saying that you are a moose Liana, far from it. The one who used to fly the plane. Yeah she was a babe. What was that series called again? it had a poetical DJ called Chris in it. Its driving me mad, my friends. Help ralph

I demand pictures!!!!!! I want to create a scrap book to compliment my grass clippings volumes.

Northern Exposure. I liked the DJ. Great offbeat series, wasn't it?

I love you Spag. Care ot dance a while?

just thought i'd reintroduce that title. thanks.

um, excuse me for grinning like the idiot I am but the unchanged thread title does make me wonder about the exact nature of your relationship guys. much (non carnel) love sp

Spag. English. English. Yes.

I'm gonna have ta give up being nice about people! It just causes problems!!

Liana is a grey-haired, lavender scented lady, in her mid-seventies, with a venomous dislike of tattoos and body piercing. She wears half-moon glasses perched on the end of her nose. Hates smokers but indulges in the very occasional small glass of medium sherry. Oh, and she buys her cardigans off me.

This is killing me ! I know what Liana looks like. I want to know about Fey Mouse - my mental picture is of someone quiet and pretty, but utterly unaware of it. Wouldn't it be cool if she was a real loudmouth in real life ? Mississippi looks like Bob Dodds in real life - or the Professor that Pierce Brosnan plays in Mars Attacks, pipe permanently in corner of mouth, white M&S chunky-knit rollneck sweater, slighly perplexed and saying things like, "A tyrannosaurus rex, here in Piccadily ? No, that shouldn't be..." Karl W must look like a bouncer, otherwise he wouldn't dare say half the stuff he does ! Funky Seagull - don't know what he looks like, but he's a top geezer, very sound. I suspect he wears boots, but I can't get him from the shins up... Eddie - as I've said to Fish, he looks slightly ruffled, repairs a lawnmower at the breakfast table, using the butter knife as a screwdriver, wild hair, lots of laughter lines round the eyes.

Eddie? Wild hair? Is it true? Can it be so? C'mon Eds, spill the beans..... I like me as a lavender scented old biddy! *frowns at fecky over top of glasses*

my doctor looks like charles dance ...

Missi.....definitely wears cardi's (marks and spencers obviously) and is grey haired..... Fecky has gnarled fingers from all that casting on Eric has a permanent astonished expression and cordrouy trousers Fey is quite elfin, dark and serious.... Andrea has got a filthy laugh and wears jeans. Drinks guiness. Ralph says "I say" a lot, and has floppy hair. Martin is a denim jeans and jacket bloke. Simon66 is probably drop dead gorgeous.

I have often thought this my self...what DO you all look like? Liana gets a gold star for the closest description of me....Blonde, shoulder length hair and yes, wearing jeans most of the time...Not trendy though thats my brothers department..Mucky laff? heheheheh(coughing) I will have a think as the rest of you........(warms up crystal ball)

The second Emily wasn't me! (good clone attempt though - right down to my *emotions* ;-) Although how *she* found out about *that* website is beyond me... John L - that's beautiful - please turn it into a piece on the site cos I'll cherrypick it Spag - I agree on Liana - and yes you have met me - and you're rather yummy if I remember correctly (as was your mate Jake) Fish was in the phot I saw of Liana - also rather gorgeous MYB - I love you too :-) And the huskiness is entirely smoking induced so that gives me another excuse to not give up ;-) As to Mr Gardiner - well.... No, he's my boss, so anything I said would be inappropriate.

the 'other' emily is 'the girl who would be god'. she has her own website and was a writer of the week some while ago. next please?

I think Eric carries a stick of chalk so that he can make amendments to the blackboard outside grocer's shops. "No, you are NOT selling carrot's ! Or Onion's ! '

...and if I wasn't rather inebriated, I'd have noticed. Thanks information kiosk :-) So does this mean that all Emilys (Emilies?) *over-emote?*

Oh heck ! Done it myself now. Although they could have been shops owned by one grocer, I must come clean and say that I meant grocers' shops. Frightened to write Eric fan-mail in case it comes back with "Please see me" written on it in red ink...

Yes, I have wild hair. There's only one - but it's wild. Please do not mention lawnmowers and me in the same sentence. I never tinker with machines. I hate DIY and I hate gardening, too. Good call on Eric, though, Liana! Liana is definitely foxy. Fish is the life and soul of any party, though in a serious, thoughtful way. She is romantic and kind, except when she's playing for Charlton. Stormy has an intense presence. Witty, with an edge of sarcasm. Laughs too loud when drunk. Robert looks studious. Angular features. Dark hair. Might smoke a pipe. Andrea wears jeans with holes in the knees. For her regular knees-ups, no doubt. Missi looks like Charles Bukowski. Andrew looks like his namesake - Andrew Motion.

*wants to be foxy in a serious and thoughtful way*

*said kindly of course* *through gritted teeth*

I've never actually seen Eric altering signs with chalk, though I have been there when he's complained to staff and management about the spelling and punctuation on menus. What a wild time we have up here!

I meant that you are serious and thoughtful in a foxy way, fish.

*looking huffy and designing new t shirt*

*Wants to wear jeans with holes in the knees and have a filthy laugh* Drinks Guinness, though...

*Polishes gold star received from Linsi and waves tail in Fish's face*