He's behind you! (Oh, no, he isn't!)

Could someone explain what "panto" is? Or is it one of those things that must be seen to be believed? Pardon my ignorance. Missi, Well, maybe you can find some salve for Cat Scratch Fever in Boots.

HOOK: Peter Pan! How I hate that name! He is just a slip of a whisper, a leaf in the breeze, yet he haunts me so! 'Tis the cockiness of him, almost an arrogance that afflicts so many teenagers today. Bah! I hate young people with their silly Housey Housey' music and their sickening pop stars like that Madonna fellow and that Kylie of Lochalsh...... What's wrong with Johnny Kidd and the Pirates? or The Pirates of Penzance?.....Odds bodkins, Sharkey, this seat is hot! Well swash my buckle, I'm burning! SHARKEY: It's not surprising Sir, since you're sitting on a chimney! HOOK: You're right, Sharkey! Look.. there's five doors... it must be where the Lost Boys live! Here, beneath the ground. They don't have the sense to see that they don't need a door each! We've found their den at last! And a way to get to Peter Pan! SHARKEY: What's your plan Captain? HOOK: Well, we could put him in the oven to bake.... SHARKEY: Then he'd be a Pan Loaf! HOOK: We could push him off a cliff... SHARKEY: Then he'd be a Pan Drop! HOOK: Or we could dunk him in the fat at the Chip Shop.... SHARKEY: Aye, then he'd be a frying Pan! HOOK: No, I think he'll be a Marzi-Pan. We'll return to the boat and cook a large rich cake with marzipan on it, poisoned marzipan for Peter Pan! One bite and he will die! SHARKEY: You'd give anything for that, wouldn't you Captain? HOOK: Ohhh yes.. anything... my ship, my crew, my Grandmother... even my reputation as the butchest, the nastiest, the evilest villain around: just as long as you take that poison cake to Peter Pan. That Achey Bakey Cake!! (Sings) You can tell the world I kissed a smelly girl You can say I love a Garden Gnome You can tell the boys I play with sissy toys And can't leave my Barbie doll alone You can tell my Mum that I still suck my thumb And get my clothes from Mothercare You can tell my Dad I'm just a soppy lad And I want to marry Barney Bear CHORUS: But please take my cake My achey bakey cake With poison in the marzipan And if you take my cake My belly achey cake It might just poison Peter Pan SHARKEY: It's the wickedest plan I ever heard of!!!

Brilliant, "Peter"! But.. someone's giving their age away here. Johnny Kidd and the Pirates? Saw 'em on stage in some pop show way back when.. (Wolverhampton, 1965-ish?), just before before the man got totalled in, what was it, a car crash? Right - back to the action! Genie of the Lamp, where are you?

"Behind you!"

"Oh, no, he isn't!"

Oh Tom Saunders - you are just sooooo ruuuuuude! And you, Missi! As for you, Peter - you've just raised me out of a morbid, 'oh bollocks it's bastard boring Christmas again' mood! Thank you for that!

Who's gonna be pussy in boots....

There's always a lot of pussy in Boots.

Not in the Chelmsford branch Tom!