Thanks for taking a moment to read my latest poem. David Ritchie (Islandwriter)

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Fri, 2006-07-07 17:32

Hello, fellow writers. I would like to post one of my recent pieces not for critique, but to find if you enjoy it. Thanks to all.
David Ritchie
Islandwriter

Chrysalis

Each blink of the eye
conjures a distant land
that had fallen dead
in the eyes of another.

These tiny worlds are our yesterdays,
sleepy little scenes
grown agitated
with desire to fight the lion of oblivion.

However, since I cannot disremember
the intoxicating satisfaction of then pleasures
I allow the tragedies to fade
And submit to the transformation.

Fri, 2006-07-07 22:46

archergirl

"not for critique, but to find if you enjoy it." Erm, aren't they fundamentally related to one another? I think most of us would appreciate it if you just posted a link, rather than the poem; otherwise we will have people posting entire short stories on what is supposed to be a discussion thread. Also, don't know if you've done this yet, but contributing to feedback on others' work is a better way of eliciting response, usually. Self-promo is not responded to favourably, in some corners. The poem is ...okay... but it lacks a certain cohesion of ideas..oh, but you didn't want critiquing, did you? Oops.

Thu, 2006-07-13 18:09

Yutka

I find, David, your poem is a bit confusing for me, as it gives conflicting ideas. Certain lines are off putting like:" lion of oblivion" or " intoxicating satisfaction" Would you like to tell me what you mean? Or "these tiny worlds are our yesterdays" Nice line out of context. For me a poem must tell something that I can understand. It could be dense or convoluted but still be comprehensible. Your poem "Chrysalis" has a very interesting title but you have "allowed the tragedies to fade" There aren't any. At least for me. Yutka

Thu, 2006-07-13 22:48

islandwriter

Yutka, thank you for your well considered comments, they are appreciated and helpful. David

Fri, 2006-07-14 19:11

Juliet OC

i am little confused - you said you didn't want a crit???? I agree with the above it is a series of descriptive ideas but together they don't make a coherent whole. What were you conveying in this poem? Juliet

Juliet

Sat, 2006-07-15 03:33

(Reply to #5) #6

islandwriter

Thank you for your comments. No, I was not seeking crit's. However, I was seeking a way that was comfortable to me to communicate with some of the others here. Yes, I do realize I could have done it in other ways, but I didn't, and now regret posting. I've been a member here for several years, and at one time had a great relationship with some of the others; however, they have drifted off. Thanks for taking the time to notice my posting, I do appreciate that. best, David

Fri, 2006-07-21 02:34

richardw

David does have a round-about point.

www.unreasonablepress.com

Fri, 2006-07-21 22:23

Dr Jekyll

Nothing makes a coherent whole. The most we can hope for is a coherent hole.

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