border crossing by nicola6
Fri, 2006-07-07 17:56
#1
border crossing by nicola6
http://www.abctales.com/story/nicola6/border-crossing
i found this full of refreshing images and evocative.
i particularly liked this image.
'The obtuse angle of my arm
Sits ripe for melanoma'
I kind of feel it could benefit from at least one more stanza, i just got into it then it was over, what do others think?
Juliet
Foster
This voice could definitely go on a bit more – but the images are really nice, especially the first stanza.
I sort of stumbled on “air-con†and wondered if it would flow better if you said:
If air-conditioning
was alive and kicking.
But that would mess with your eight line staznas.
Your other poems were nice, too.
Foster.
nicola6
Thanks for your comments.
Juliet - I'd rather leave you wanting more than boring you with too much - it's always a fine line.
Foster - I also was unsure of 'air-con' but wanted to force the poem away from becomming too precious. It admitted a waft of realism I hoped. I'll consider your re-working.