last night a cheesestring savd my life.

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Fri, 2006-11-24 13:10

http://www.abctales.com/story/ged-backland/last-night-a-cheesestring-sav...

At first I wondered why i was being told about such a nasty character in such an unpalatable tale, then enjoyed the way it panned out.

But.. the long para should have ended after "left on me arse with a big habit." I didn't need to be told what a surpise it was that the character went to uni. Let the story do that without any pointers.

I thought some of the punctuation and grammar mistakes were deliberate, until i found out he was on for an honours degree and then it didn't ring true, so that needs tidying up.

I think the story should start "As I lie here... " not "As I lay here..."
A thing like that at the beginning can put people off here, where many of us (including me) are quick to judge.

Fri, 2006-11-24 13:34

ggggareth

Have you seen the average English honours student, Josie? It's a while since I went to Uni and most of my fellow undergrads didn't like reading and couldn't string a sentence together! But the grammar/punctuation/typos could be put down to "the withdrawal and turkeyinâ€™ " which the narrator is undergoing. It kind of rings true, but - just like the "ferreting" story - it makes it hard to read.

Fri, 2006-11-24 13:45

josiedog

Sadly true - I did a journalism course once and none of the bastards could spell. I didn't get to uni util I was 30, and generally speaking those younger than me couldn't spell for punctuate for toffee, while those my age or older could.... I don't think the grammar/punctuation/typos lent anything to the narrator's voice here. For me it' didn't reflect any experience, but as 4G said, made it more difficult to read. I do try and put that to one side and not get too pedantic or I could miss out on some great stories, but I still think it could do with cleaning up.

Mon, 2006-11-27 23:56

ged-backland

The narrator speaks as the real person did, Any experience? My brother died breaking into a nursery in 1997 this story is based on what I think his thoughts would have been. This is how he spoke, sometimes he didn't pause. sometimes he was so precise it made me cry. Read it and listen, this is how he would ramble, sat in my mother's chair hoping for ten pounds. It's as difficult to read as the behaviour was difficult to understand.If we are to enter other worlds we must not look for how it's typed, emerse yourself, he's dying, this is his last shout and how I imagined he shouted it. Ged Backland

Ged Backland

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