New Poem for Critting

Hmmmmm have to think bout this one - i personally think there's too much going on in the first part but, again on a personal note, i do like the second part alot - can't see much wrong with that at all.

when you say 'too much going on' do you mean the starfish arms part? If so I agree. The fruit and juice in lifeline image is a strong and original one. The stained hands go with the soap and sheets and citronella, but I can't see them on the end of the starfish arms,the visuals are just too confusing. It sort of presents the passion like a Disney animation, for me anyway. "You opened your fingers showed me juice running in your lifeline like blood. Your hands always smelt of soap; your sheets were clean and you burnt citronella. Your starfish arms suckered to my skin and you left me with a seasalt aftertaste coming up in waves for days." going on to the second verse and the crushed fruit and blood coming up again, I definitely think the poem could manage without the seasalt and starfish. Too many eggs!

Yeah - you hit my head on the nail ! Going to sit down now !

Again, I think this can be tightened. To my mind, cutting adds focus, power. Please say if I'm shoving my oar in too much. Here's my take. Forgive the changes. Very cheeky. You opened your fingers showed me juice caught in your lifeline like blood. Your hands smelt of soap; your sheets were clean. You burnt citronella. Your starfish arms suckered to my skin, leaving the taste of seasalt. A year on, I still feel on my tongue the burn of your skin. See from your eyes that love is gone or wasn't ever there at all. When you offer your hand the palm is clean. It has forgotten crushed fruit, the bloody mess of love.

IMV ‘Your starfish arms / suckered to my skin’ work well with the image of passion. These lines are pertinent to the second stanza where the love has died, ‘or simply wasn’t ever there at all’. Wasn’t sure about the significance of burning ‘citronella’. Apparently, the inhalation of the vapours can cause initial stimulation followed by depression of the central nervous system. It’s also used to train dogs not to bark. Am I missing something? Tightening up the lines may add focus but I think it spoils the imagery. The crushed juice of a strawberry will run along the cracks of a palm as blood runs through an artery. ‘or simply wasn’t there at all’ implies a question, a doubt that isn’t as strongly expressed in ‘or wasn’t ever there at all’.

Good points, Choose.

i agree with freda about the starfish arms and the seasalt ... they belong in another poem ... this one needs to focus on the hands and the fruit i think ... although i think they are sexual images and chooselife's point is good about the passion later ... similarly the citronella might be a little out of place ... i think tom's tightening works really well at the end of the second stanza ... the hand HAS forgotten rather than the more doubtful as if it has ...

I see the reference to citronella as being a detail of a portrait which helps the other person in the poem to be real rather than a design. It worked for me because citronella has an aggressively clean smell, "Your hands always smelt of soap; your sheets were clean and you burnt citronella. " I could see it was a little out of place or idiosyncratic, but i liked its presence. I had never heard about citronella being used on dogs, but I'm keen to give it a go.

Had no problem with citronella part - other than the fact i could never think of anything good like that :-)

I have decided from now on to crit without reading any crits already on the thread when I arrive to ensure I am not influenced by the words of others. I don't think I 'have' been openly influenced thus far but subliminally - who knows? I don't know if others do this already but I think it would be a good idea if everyone did the same before adding their crit and joining in any subsequent debate. So, here goes: I enjoyed this poem when I first saw it because although 'love lost' poems feature in abundance on ABC I am learning to appreciate the one's that use an unusual motif to send the same old message. That and the way the words are chosen and used of course. I love the imagery of this poem, particularly the first four lines and the last five (which return to the opening theme). Originally I would not have criticised this poem at all but I have let it roll around my small brain for a while and find it is guilty of something I have lately come to realise is wrong with much of my own poetry. It has more than one theme. Sometimes I think this can work well - provided there is, perhaps, a link - but I find the starfish/seasalt/waves at odds with the fruit theme which was introduced in the title, continued by 'juice', 'citronella' and concluded with 'crushed fruit'. The soap smell also seems slightly out of place, especially when a seasalt aftertaste is lying in ambush 5 lines on. I am not sure if I am saying there should be more fruit imagery, since too much of a thing can kill a poem, but I am sure there are other words that the author could use to replace the central section and not lose the 'feel' of the piece. The 'love is gone' line is perhaps too obvious. It leaves the reader lazy. No need to read this poem several times to fully understand it. Other than that ... I still love it! Please feel free to dismiss these comments as utter tosh ... I still have much to learn and find that this critting is, in itself, making me think much harder about the subject than ever before.

I think I would only cut 'your starfish arms' and the next line. Though a nice image, I think the first stanza is overpopulated, and the second cleaner and sharper. A very fine poem, and this is only by way of finding some area to improve. The second stanza is much more powerful and crisp, and while that is not necessarily a bad thing (it is often helpful to have the drive in a poem come in a place which pushes the reader to the end), it felt a little to me like the first stanza was 'trying to be a poem' whereas the second just actually got on with the actual work of BEING a poem. Does that make sense?

I hope this isn't too annoying, but it's easier to get my thoughts across by simply re-writing the poem. Crushed Strawberry You opened your fingers showed me juice flooding your lifeline like blood. A year on I still feel the burn of your skin on my tongue. But when you show your hand the palm is clean. It has forgotten crushed fruit, the bloody mess of love.

Hitman - but we now have a stanza that has little point. Why is the tongue burning.. and what has it to do with crushed strawberries ? Why not: You opened your fingers showed me juice flooding your lifeline like blood. Now when you show your hand the palm is clean. It has forgotten crushed fruit, the bloody mess of love. Clean, focused, dull ?

Why not: You opened your fingers showed me the bloody mess of love. lean, focused, bull ?

we agreed love sucks

It's a lovely picture poem, if a little too sensory, Picasso woman brought to life by Peter Greenaway and let loose in Covent Garden. Well worth writing, well worth reading and jolly good all round!

Unilever founder Lord Leverhulme famously grumbled that half his advertising worked, the trouble was he never knew which half, and advertisers have searched for decades for proof that their campaigns work. Same could apply to writers or prose and poem. After a year of absence one would be pretty naive to expect fire in the eyes of one night standers ... My heart finds it hard to bleed for the naive soul! (Just playing a devil's moral advocate)

i don't think there is any suggestion that it is a one night stander josef ... tho i admit that there is no suggestion of anything else ...

Fish Reading about what some poets get up to most likely influenced my observations ... (smile) Hot Odyssey through a poetic nation(link is external) Cold River

naughty josef! i don't know WHERE you get your ideas ... *trots off primly*

*stoops to pick up copy of Moth poem that has just fluttered out of Fish's handbag.*

*snatches Moth poem out of Chant's hand and tuts*