Any good?

Hi hiddenspace, I may be having a dim moment (well, I haven’t had enough sleep lately – that’s my excuse!), but I was a little confused by the ending. I read it a couple of times and at one point, thought that it seemed the character had in the past, been with the one he thinks he shouldn’t be hanging around. Am I barking up the wrong tree?

I think this piece really works well. How many of us haven't considered, at one time or another, tasting the forbidden fruit and settled for the tried and tested, good old 'granny-smith' nestling in our fruit-bowl. Liked it. Ta hiddenspace. Tina

HI HiddenSpace, (I'm intrigued. Although I understand the reticence in 'Hidden Space', it seems such a misnomer as you have so many stories on here and have shared them with the world... I am surprised you don't give us an easier handle to respond to.) But to your poem. You have asked for comment and I hope you take mine in the spirit offered; a fellow poet wanting to understand and appreciate the core of what I see as a poem with potential. It obviously holds a place in your heart or you wouldn't be asking us to help. You know the idea is strong and there is definitely a good poem in there, it just needs a hard edit so please don't take offence as I try to help. Of course, you can ignore me completely because remember, these are your words. Here are my suggestions. If you take only every second line of this poem and discard the other you already have a stronger and more impacting poem. If you then discard any line or word which does not advance the central theme but drifts (oh so gently) away into the poetic neverlands... come back to the idea that made you sit down and write it: should I or shouldn't I/honestly/who do I love and want to be with? Generally I (personally) don't like capitalization on every line. I either choose to use punctuation or don't. To me, it looks more professional that way. But line by line... 1: I should really leave .............(excellent start & intro to the theme) 2: She’ll wonder where I am, .................Delete - superfluous. 3. But you standing where you are, ..........Too wordy - cut 'But you' and change to full stop. 4. You’ve got me eating from the palm of your hand ........Delete - superfluous 5. You’re eyes are ready to be gazed into, ..............Should be 'Your' not the possessive, delete 'are' as superfluous and drop 'into' to the next line. 6. 7. & 8. Your lips begging to be smothered in precious kisses, Your skin desperate to be caressed, In my head I’d reach for your hand, ......Delete - ALL superfluous. 9. Forget about the other waiting for me at home, ........ This is the central theme of your poem. You have introduced the subject in line one, now state the idea in line 9 & 10, enlarge on it, then conclude strongly. So for this line add a dash and split the (most important) sentence over two lines after 'other'/ new line: 'waiting for me at home.' You need to give these words power and it's all about positioning on the page. 10. Take life and love, .............. Delete - superfluous 11. I’d kiss you and you’d kiss me, ...............New verse so add a space and change the comma to a full stop. It deserves to be a stand-alone statement but the line is also the introduction to the second verse. 12. We’d embrace then slowly ............ Delete - superfluous. 13. My tongue would press against yours, ..........As is except drop 'yours' to the next line. 14. You’d reach for my head, ...... Delete - superfluous. 15. And we’d become one, .......... no capitalization because not a new statement. This is joined by 'yours,' from (my) previous line and ends in a full stop too. 16. We’d float up, .............. Ummmm delete - superfluous. 17. Immersed deeply in our passionate kiss, ......... I feel 'passionate' is superfluous. 18. You’d say you love me, ........... Delete - not needed. 19. And I’d declare my everlasting, .............. Delete 'And' and change to three full-stops: ... to let the reader think on that statement for a while. 20. Undying love for you and your perfect being ..........Delete - superfluous. 21. But in reality, ............ New verse & join with Line 22. 22. I smiled, ............. Join line 21 23. Avoided your eyes, ...........Delete - superfluous. 24. And left, ............ join with Line 21 but drop the capital A. 25. Going home to the woman, ......... No capital G. 26. That could never kiss me, ............. No capital T. 27. Never hold me, ............... No capital N. 28. Never refuse me, ............. Delete the word 'Never and add 'refuse me,' to Line 27. 29. The very same way that you do ............... Delete 'very' - the word feels clumsy and masks the importance of the final line. Titles are also very important: as the introduction to or hint as to the theme which may be unclear in the body of the poem it's often useful to edit your original thought and in this case, if it were my poem, I would just call it: 'I should...' remembering that the title is read and lingers as the reader reads the poem. I find also that each poem must be read aloud. If I trip while I am reading, then I need to examine where I tripped. A final note: In the last four lines you use 'that' which is a word my professor always say to avoid like the plague. After all that, I have only deleted or re-arranged your words to expose what in my humble opinion is now a neat and tidy poem. The only thing missing is a metaphor - but then not all poems have metaphor. To make all the above clearer, I hope you don't mind if I show the re-edit here - how it would have ended up if all the suggestions were employed. You may not agree with my suggestions but please remember they are given in poetic spirit and are only suggestions of how I personally, would deal with a poem I wasn't completely happy with. I hope you like them. I find they certainly help with my writing. Best regards, Frances. I should.... I should really leave standing where you are. Your eyes ready to be gazed into - forget about the other waiting for me at home. I’d kiss you and you’d kiss me. My tongue would press against yours, and we’d become one. Immersed deeply in our kiss, I’d declare my everlasting… But in reality, I smiled and left, going home to the woman, that could never kiss me, never hold me, refuse me, the same way that you do. Check out my website: http://www.francesmacaulayforde.com

I don't know whether you have already edited this but i can honestly say i like the original and Frances suggested edit in equal measure - In terms of your poem as Frances says - take what you want from her suggestions and make it be what you want it to be and say what you want it to say. It said a lot to me. ty Juliet

I must admit I thought you were referring to your mother at the end. A little sickly for me...all that lovey dovey, squelchy, squidgy talk ;)