pashmina by suesue.

beautifully conveyed, but i have to agree that one line jars. Juliet

Ok. This is my first comment here. I read this poem on the recently entered link earlier and have been thinking about it. It needs looking at quite closely I think because there are inconsistencies. Though the writer obviously has some ability, these inconsistencies are sloppy. You took a one down; your hair you said golden pashmina, warm in the sun. Take out "a" - what is it doing there in the first place. Sloppy editing does a writer no good at all. Also why use speechmarks? They interrupt the reader and assume that she (or he) doesn't know someone is speaking when it is obvious. As a reader, I find this kind of thing slightly insulting. I kept it golden for you, though you put more grey there than gold. What on earth is meant by this? Did he put gold in her hair then? Went down boots and bought it did he? If the insinuation is that he put grey there, then say so. Of course he didnt put more gold. I would suggest he put grey there, the gold disappeared or something similar. All in all I would say - tighten up Suesue!