The Octopus

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Sat, 2006-07-22 13:24

The Octopus

http://www.abctales.com/story/fergal/the-octopus

this is wonderfully detailed and the characterisations rounded and real, the association of the octopus and the ***** (don't want to spoil it) really works and creates a vivid visual scene in my mind.

My only crit would be nearer to the end when she examines her actions, i feel it pulled me out of the mood and is a little overwritten, a lot could remain unsaid. But the ending paragraph with her water self pulled me right back in again. i love the understated last line.

this has got to be worth a cherry.

one typo i noticed the word chose - think it should be choice or choose.

Juliet

Thu, 2006-07-27 08:46

Juliet OC

still think this is worth a cherry or two. Juliet

Juliet

Thu, 2006-07-27 10:18

josiedog

I missed this somehow first time round so glad it was flagged. I enjoyed the first part - the description of the department store was brilliant, well observed and written, great turn of phrase. I drifted out until the busker. which I though was quite a poignant litle para, but after that, well, I have the attention span of a gnat, and i drifted away. I felt it didn't work so well as one piece. Maybe a diiferent format, separating out the paras, dividing them into minichapters by underlining or something.

Thu, 2006-07-27 10:57

fergal

Thanks Juliet and josie for your comments. I actually think this story needs a restructure - I think she should 'save' the octopus right near the beginning. I actually think it's one of the best stories I've written, at its core anyway.... but I also think a story like this is not really suited to abc, mainly because of its length (4000 words) and because of its complex nature. Hard to read on screen. The stories of mine people like best on here are the short, sweet, witty ones, that I enjoy writing, but that don't really interest me too much intellectually. I think it is the nature of an internet format, and also having it in ariel font. I think you're right Juliet about that last bit - too overstated. I am going to redraft the whole thing at some point Cheers, Hayley.

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