fever you by Mark Brown

7 posts / 0 new

Topic locked

Sun, 2007-04-22 17:48

http://www.abctales.com/story/markbrown/fever-you

for me this is my favourite of your 200 worders. I needs to be read a number of times to get the detail of what is not said. I didn't like the 'hand cupping vulva' line first time round but on subsequent reads it really worked and painted the scene.

'lacunae' is a new word for me, but looking up the defintion i am not sure how it fits the sentence? probably me being dumb.

One line that i felt didn't scan well:

'The gauzy curtains of the nurses home window blew in, room cold and flat in thin morning sunlight.'

Maybe its the order of the words but the first half feels clumsy on my tongue, but i can see how you had to get 'nurses home' in to give the context.

hope these comments help. great read.

Sun, 2007-04-22 19:08

Foster

Really good, Mark, and perhaps my favorite as well. I read it a few times, and then again after about an hour, and then it all came together. As for lacuna, I'm also not sure how it fits in. I only became familiar with this word after seeing Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - it was the name of the agency who erased the memories, but also a real word. Anyway, could be me being dumb, too. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/lacunae

Sun, 2007-04-22 22:29

markbrown

Hello. Cheers for the comments. I'll let the nurses home line stew down and have a think about it in a few days. People experiencing mania are always 'on', finding it difficult to rest, to stop moving. The world rushes in, over-stimulating. In the minutes after sex, in those expansive, breathless moments there is an emptiness, a sense of another space, a gap in life. Sometimes you sleep, sometimes the feeling ends and you come back to normal time. 'Lacunae' refers to that gap or blank space. Cheers, Mark

Mon, 2007-04-23 17:33

Juliet OC

Yes i get it now and see how well it works, but then the reader would have to understand mania to really connect with that line, which is not a bad thing, readers come with all sorts of experience. Juliet

Juliet

Mon, 2007-04-23 18:20

neilmc

Cracking, Mark - a beautiful illustration of how nursing (or other similar jobs) change ones perception of people and relationships, at least when you're in training and impressioned.

Fri, 2007-04-27 10:17

Phil_harvey

nice. But Bournemouth? I grew up in Dorset (near 'West Bay') and so find it difficult to hear the names of places in my youth without attributing a huge amount to them. Its strange how this works for me. I don't know if I am meant to, but remembering what I do of Bournmouth makes this piece distinctly 'dirty' for me. Both in the sexual sense and in the sense that Bournemouth and Poole are quite desolate places in my mind.

Fri, 2007-04-27 13:32

Moimo

Another cracking 200 worder, I love these pieces, so much in so few words. I'm guessing you haven't been back to Bournemouth for a long time Phil, it's not so desolate anymore. Craig

Topic locked