things can only get better by rokkitnite

new god gives twat-busting orgasms on demand! Love it. I disagree about the first two stanzas, i think they're fine, but it is one of those poems that increases its momentum as it goes along. No bad thing. I'm with Juliet on the 'sick' is better than 'ill', by the way. I feel quite strongly about that. My knowledge of poetic method is non-existent, but even if the intention is that it rhymes with 'bill', i'd still change it. Made me laugh out loud, as always, Rokkit. Seems like you're on top form at the moment!

Thanks guys. Juliet - your poetic opinions are as considered as they come - it's performance poetry so if it works, anything goes! I chose 'ill' instead of 'sick' because it gives a delayed rhyme with 'bill', and I think you need some kind of couplet (even if it's a clunky, exaggerated one) to signal the poem's conclusion. How about 'new god is sick / new god is ill' which would riff off the whole 'god is dead' thing? Or can I really not get away with it? It's officially under the gun, anyhow. I agree with Juliet in so far as the first two stanzas were me writing my way into it and putting a front end on the poem. I might have to look at that. Looser/tighter rhyme scheme? The poem (and this will probably influence the way I perform it) is supposed to be like a kind of coked-up exec's 3am epiphany... The delivery ramps up at 'holy shit' and, after a couple of lulls at the 'god is dead' choruses, eventually, in the last stanza, I'm hoping I'll be pouring sweat and practically incoherent.

Woop! I really really enjoyed this. I will do some crit tommorow - am too tired right now. This makes me very excited to see you read. Joe

Definitely a performance piece. Had to say this one aloud to really appreciate it. The first 2 stanzas work but do seem a little bit too much like a path laid down purely to lead into the poem which really had me hooked after new god (because it was you writing it I knew the poem would be worth reading but I'm not sure I would have persevered if it had been written by a poet unknown to me here) The third rhyme - mummies - this line just didn't do anything for me. In fact these two lines from 'and flood reports...' are really making the same point about children suffering that the previous lines do. So if this stanza is just building up to the poem's front end do you need to make this point twice? If I was writing this I may be tempted to go straight from 'weird distended tummies' which I like to 'christ almighty god' - another strong and pun- y line (do you really need to tell us that's what you're thinking?) but I'm not writing it...but there's my tuppence worth!