The Ramp buy Redrecon
Thu, 2007-05-17 21:39
#1
Anonymous
The Ramp buy Redrecon
http://www.abctales.com/story/redrecon/ramp
This piece is interesting. It reads a little unfinished. I think it begins well. The level of description starts to build and I was interested about the developing picture and was wondering what was happening. However it ended too soon. The last line is too abrupt and lets the piece down.
I would like to see this piece developed and longer.
Redrecon
Interesting, I never really thought about extending this piece. The goal was originally to create a fleeting glimpse into the world of a D-Day soldier, but I think you may be right. The people have spoken! I will expand it.
Phil_harvey
In a piece like this I think you could really dig in with some descriptions. Don't make it too long. Maybe get into the irelivant details that people use to distract themselves. I would like that. But then again, that is only me.
Redrecon
Okay, it's a bit longer and needs a good strong ending, but the meat is there. I think it's a definite improvement. Good call Phil. Thanks.
Phil_harvey
definitly more meat there. I think, and this is just my opinion, that having 'the enemy' in there is too much. You don't need them. Focusing on the landing troops is nice. Maybe even keep them in the landing craft until the end.
I think there could be more about the danger of actually being inside the craft that was meant to protect them.
I agree this needs editing. But I think after that it could be very strong.
;)