RE: In Hospital Greys v3

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Tue, 2008-03-25 17:10

Topic posted in response to In Hospital Greys v3 : http://www.abctales.com/story/kenny-mooney/hospital-greys-v3

I like this a lot but I think it could even better if you pared it down, descriptions often come in threes when you only need one detail:

"He was speaking from under the ocean, his words filtered through the waves and I just couldn't tune into his broadcast frequency..." Do we need the bit about the narrator not being able to tune into his frequency- that much is already obvious. Why not end with 'waves..' and leave the reader sloshing around in the therapeutic ocean?

This para is perfect and should be the benchmark for all the others:

"As I listened, almost in a daze, I noticed the various paintings of ships on the walls of his office; and somewhere at the back of my mind, it felt as though a great oceanic wave were building."

Metaphor has been mixed with mental and physical, an image has become an almost concrete tidal wave of feeling.

The first para has too many details, I think you could cut the first two paragraphs. You should show dramatically (and you do) how the routine is imprinted on the narrator, how he is becoming inexorably caught up in the belly of this sanitized medical monster without stating it so explicitly.

Another idea would be to build in some speech with the nurse, her off-hand insolence when he sees her(unobserved) at the nurse's station, her appraisal of his clothes, her flirting with doctors... A few lines to build on the sexual fantasy

The ending is good but I thought we were gearing up for a symmetrical exchange - him replacing his mother in the bed and her discharge but perhaps that's too neat. I like the suggestion that contact with the hospital turns individuals into disease-models awaiting treatment- the old adage (like taking your car to a dodgy garage) once you're in they find a whole lot of stuff to do to you (not just the windscreen wiper)

Tue, 2008-03-25 18:37

kenny_mooney

thanks for the feedback, glad you like it and that you took the time to comment in this way. My style is rather "wordy", I guess, I quite like writing in that way, I suppose it may be too much for some people's tastes, but I'll certainly look over everything again. You're right about the nurse, there does need to be some dialogue with her, I'll definitely look at that. Regarding the ending. I did look at extending this idea in this draft, but to be honest, I'm trying to get across the idea that this is an unreliable narrator, and maybe things aren't quite what you originally think they are. By further developing the ideas in the last para, I feel I would get into the territory of explaining too much. Maybe I'm just looking at it the wrong way. But thanks for the critique, much appreciated.

Tue, 2008-03-25 22:47

raysawriter

Hi Kenny I liked the story too.I thought that the surreal parts worked best, we just had to go with the protagonist into his world and his descent into a strange place maybe 'madness'. I liked the way we were left guessing at the end. Where is the hospital and who is mad or sane? The descriptions of the hospital at the beginning were for me a bit less authentic. I couldn't make out how the hospital could be on the hillside and in the belly of the green valley. It may be that I have read so many descriptions of hospitals as places to be terrified of rather than being places of healing, that I was looking for something a bit more challenging. A very good story none the less Ray

Ray

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