Snowbound by Gilbert
Wed, 2006-01-04 22:17
#1
Snowbound by Gilbert
http://www.abctales.com/node/547683
There is something I really quite like about this poem, several of the lines made me come back to it, such as
Useless clouds of speech gather at street corners.
Well-worn faces outstare stone city square lions.
and
Voices snarl
with sudden whisky fumes
Although I wonder if this line would be better on it's own rather than like this...
A Mephisto-bearded traveller grins in the dusk-charged air.Voices snarl
with sudden whisky fumes. Sirens scream a banshee warning.
Still, I enjoyed it. Thanks.
markbrown
In agreement with Emma and Pesky here.
It feels a bit like a poem where someone has an idea that poetry is the kind of thing to house their observations and ideas but doesn't know the structures of poetry, so can't arrange or develop these disconnected things into an actual poem as a unified whole.
That's my two pennorth worth.
Cheers,
Mark Brown, Editor (on leave), www.ABCtales.com
Gilbert
Thanks to everyone for taking the time to comment.
The last comment puzzles me slightly, though.
Apart from anything else, the poem has been edited since Emma and Pesky gave their opinion.
The intention was to produce a disconnected flow of images, which culminated in a "flashback".
And I would say that yeah, I do "have an idea that poetry is a place to house my observations". But the poem is intentionally unstructured-it`s rather a sweeping statement to say (on the basis of one poem) that I don`t have knowledge of the structures of poetry.
camus
I agree with what you are saying that the poem doesn't gel together and certainly that each line could be the makings of poem itself. I do think though that Gilbert could restructure it and make it really good, it needs to be less choppy as it has no flow to it and the line structure itself needs rethinking...(Gilbert was going to mail and say this but you don't accept them!)
camus
oops you posted while I was writing, sorry!
markbrown
No offence intended there. I was going on what I saw, and I stand by it.
If a disconnected flow of images is your intention, I think you've succeeded, as this is what I actually say above.
I agree, yes it may be a rather sweeping statement, but not an invalid one.
I think that knowledge of the structures of poetry is important, even if you choose to break them later one. Many people, however, have more of a wish to write poetry than to read poetry and consequently don't get to the stage of exploring different forms of poetry and poetic structures.
I think you should be happy that you've succeeded in what you intended for your poem, and don't take too much offense from someone who's read enough poetry from aspiring poets to know the mistakes that people commonly make. This may make me a bit brusque, but I really do speak from a point of view a bit like a GP, prescribing those treatments that most commonly fit for most people.
So, steel yourself Gilbert, call me a knob or other choice name, place your hat straight on your head and turn to face the world!
Looking forward to reading some more of your work,
Cheers,
Mark Brown, Editor (on leave), www.ABCtales.com
Gilbert
Mark, I have been around the poetry scene long enough not to take offence at valid crit. But I too stand by what I have said.You are making sweeping statements-every person who has attempted to produce poetry has an idea that poetry is the" kind of thing to house their observations".
Why not read some more of my work before deciding if I can't arrange or develop these disconnected things into an actual poem?
And I have no wish to call you a knob