Compliments of the Season by jhosken - Some thoughts?

To strengthen the story, I've nothing to offer. I think its very well done, just as it is. For clarity, I found a paragragh in the middle where I think a line break was omitted - right between "a quick slug of viagra for him" AND "the doorbell rang." without the line break, this looks all to be one scene, wrongly conecting past and present. But with the break, its more clear. Anyway, that's what I think and I really like the storry. It seems to be written from experience!

ok i have had a couple of reads of this, and i can see its a good story, but agree with the first post that it needs some work. ther are some lovel paragraps and phrases in here such as: 'He said nothing, just stood there, his shoulders heaving. He seemed to be steaming. His fists hung at his sides like red hams.' and 'She scrabbled impatiently. He unfroze and produced a lighter for her. She bent her head over it, in a moment of intimacy that I could not have matched and would never have expected.' but then there are paragraphs and phrases that jar, either because they sound 'lazy' or tired such as 'I opened the door. A small dark woman with bright eyes stood there. As I tried to take in her clothes (I got as far as the red coat, pulled tight, and pale suede winter boots),' and 'I suddenly felt sick. His bitch wife, the one he’d never ever leave, for the simple reason that she would kill him, and then me, was the one person in the world I really feared, the one person in the world who was even scarier than him.' both of these paragraphs could be much more powerful if the description was improved. The paragraph about his wife also i felt was a little unreal, of course she would say she would kill him, but that is often said, but why would the narrator really believe that? I also found myself questionning (and i may be dumb here) whether his lover was male or female? and why would he have only blurred the lovers face, when it was he having the affair? I also wasn't sure why the photos were put on the web, was this intentional by the narrator and if so why? and lastly how did the wife know where he was, did she follow him? just my thoughts, and I offer them because it is a good story, but does not have that 'wow' factor as yet. Juliet

I really liked this. It made me laugh, for a start - I found myself empathising with the husband, to a rather worrying degree - and then there are the nuances, the attention to detail... there's a lot to it, the style is eminently readable, and yet maybe that's also my MINOR quibble with it, because although I did love it, it just seemed to pass me by. I agree with Juliet, to a certain extent, though I think that the style, voice and language used is enough alone to make it excellent - making up, I feel, for any of its narrative weaknesses. I liked it, anyway!

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isn't that the point of this forum, to suggest how we might improve a piece of writing? I very much want people to suggest improvments to my work - it needs it! Juliet