Beckham for USA! USA! USA!

As you'll see from the Guardian Fiver story below - model, comedian, adulterer and sometime football player David 'Posh' Beckham, is planning to take early retirement to play in the the Major League Soccerball USA Challenge.

He would have, of course, join a long line of former professional footballers who have retired to the US to play Soccerball, get fat (both economically and literally) and begin the longslide into alcoholism and death.

What do we think? It would also be interesting to know if any of our American users have ever been to a Major Soccerballgame? And also whether you reckon Beckham would get bigger crowds in the US for pretending he's still a footballer than he would for just turning up at stadium and walking up and down the field wearing some designer 'shades'?

"I'M A CELEBRITY, LET ME IN HERE

The Americans have tried almost everything to turn the masses on to soccer and away from their usual hobbies of eating, mullet-growing, eating and failing to comprehend irony. They set up the NASL, for example, and roped in crowd-pulling legends like Pele, George Best, Johan Cruyff and Ron Futcher. They've allowed pony-tailed preeners to top and tail the 1994 World Cup with laughable missed penalties. None of that really worked, however, so now they are going to play their trump card: David Beckham.

Beckham's contract at Real Madrid expires at the end of the season, and Major League Soccer flunkies are currently doing the math to see if bringing him to America would be financially justified: for him to be signed, they would have to alter their salary-cap rules, as at the moment no team can spend more than $1.9m per season on salary (insert your own that-wouldn't-cover-one-shanked-free-kick-from-Goldenswingers joke here. Please).

"This is a marketing opportunity," no-$hit-Sherlocked the MLS commissioner Don Garber, before offering his opinions on what bears do in woods. "We're doing analysis and we should complete that in the next 30 days," garbled Garber, leering needily at a nearby abacus. "Beckham is a cultural world icon - and if we can get him in this league, people will care and they'll come out and see our games. If we could have him here we think it would be terrific."