Clive James

http://groups.msn.com/michaelcasey is where you will find him sample follows Michael Casey 10 Reginald Rd Bearwood Warley B67 5AQ Literary Criticism (c) By Michael Casey I always thought I was a good writer , people told me so , and it was what I wanted to hear , so naturally I believed it . That was until Jee Ji came to live with me . She told me she'd read my stuff , my "rubbish" and give an opinion , her uncles were influential , so perhaps , or just maybe they could help me get published or even produced . Then the world would be my oyster , however I had forgotten one fundamental thing . Jee Ji was Chinese , her English still had a long way to go , and besides which would British humour travel as far as China , or as far as her Chinese brain ? So naturally I gave her my funniest story to read first , the true yet surreally funny Czech story , and what did she say ? "Its boring", if she had been a man or one of the lads from work I'd have punched her , or at the very least called her an "ignorant bastard". But because I loved her , I took the critism like a man and smiled , and that was a revelation in itself , why ? Because I had found somebody whom I respected enough not to curse at when the hated my work , my stuff , my "rubbish" . Love is a strange thing , making you smile , instead of curse . So it at least proved how much I loved her , I had told her that my stories were my children , the product of my love , the only thing with meaning in my life , with value in my life . Until true love came along in the form f Jee Ji herself . So now we could discuss things , with love in our eyes , and my writing was , what it really was , just words on paper. Perhaps someday my simple words would really have great value , but now I realised what they were - words , just words , perhaps never to have any meaning , except to me alone . In the Bible it begins with "In the beginningh there was The Word" , aand after that we have the Bible itself , and the rest is History . So perhaps my humble words would have a beginning , and perhaps my future words would have history too , obviously not as great as The Bible , but I still dream that someday my words will have an effect on people . I don't want to move mountains , just make people laugh , that's enough for me . However humour is a funny thing , I cannot tell a joke to save my life but sopmehow when I put words on paper I can make people smile and even laugh . When I'm really relaxed and down the pub I can actually make people cry with laughter , and I don't know why , the trears of laughter just flow , so perhaps when I write I should just relax aand pretend I'm down the pub and most of all , just don't try to be funny , just let the laughter flow naturally . So much for the theory , the practice is that you write for years and nobody pays a blind bit of notice , then you write one thinmg and hey presto you are recognised as a "writer" , well in your office at any rate . So you are suddenly "world famous" to a group of friends , if you are lucky 30 friends , that's just how "world famous" I became . Offer any other pieces of your "literature" and you are treated like a leper , "Unclean , Unclean" people almost say . I did get one real fan , and I fell in love with her , only she didn't fall in love with me , as she repeatedly said . However I did make a friend for life , which is better than nothing . And I'm use to nothing , so that cann't be bad . Jee Ji revealed her uncles's connections , after I'd already guessed , I was happy but not overwhelmed . I had a play accepted 12 years ago , only it did not happen , so I've given up believing I'd ever be acknowledged as a writer long ago . If a miracle happens and her family decides to help me then that's wonerful , but I have her love and love is the greatest gift of all , so I'm more than happy . World recognition as a writer will never happen , not unless my mother who makes tea in Heaven pulls lots of strings for me , having said that she sent Jee Ji so perhaps helping me find my true vocation is next on my mother's list . "Blessed is he who expects nothing" , so perhaps before I die I will be blessed , and become a writer . So that's how Jee Ji has become my literary critic , if I get 100 out of 100 she will pass on my work to her uncle , but she is the filter . This makes me smile and is the ultimate irony , becuase her English is very good , though her verbalising is not as good as what's in her head , and she still has to look words up in her electronic dictionary . So I have a Chinese literary critic , who is still learning English ! So Igave her another piece to read , it was "Its all in the Stars" a comedy based on me and Louise . This made her laugh and smile , occasionally Jee Ji would look up and ask "What Mean?" and spell out a word and I'd explain and make her look it up in the dictionary . So I'd be smiling as I watched her read my story , and then I'd smile even more when she stopped to ask for explanations of English words . God really DOES have the last laugh , first I have to write something funny , which is hardf in itself, then I have to write in such a way as to please a Chinese girl . Now that is the future which I have to bear in mind . As for my back catologue , I just have to hope that with "The help of God and Two Policemen " as my mum alwasys used to say my old "stuff" will pass the Chinese filter and get 100 out of 100 , and then a Chinese uncle in Maimi or a Chinese uncle in Shanghai will help this Birmingham England boy get his foot in the door as a writer . So I watch from my rocking chaire as she reads , as I watch for smiles I admire her beauty , though I call her ans "ugly mug" as a joke , and as a way of making her realise that beauty is only skin deep . And we both realise too its because we see each others heart that's why we are sitting opposite eacxh other , that's why I have a Chinese critic of my British humour , and yes God really DOES have a truely great sense of humour . If I can do the impossible then I will perhaps finally get my chance to be a writer . Though I must immediately say that my mum does make the tea in Heaven so I'm sure she's bribing Saint Jude , the patron saint of the impossible , "Look , Saint Jude if you want the best tea for all eternity , just help Michael my youngest son , let him make people laugh for 70 years with his writing . But only if he can make his Chinese girl give him 100 out of 100 . And only if its the Will of God." .So basically that's the situation . Simple really , I just sit in my rocking chair and watch Jee Ji smile and every now and then she says "What Mean?" and I explain and she checks it out in her electonic dictionary , then she laughs more when she reads the Chinese translation . I'm sure I can hear God laughing in the background , but I REALLY do believe mum sent Jee Ji to me , so I hope its just a matter of time before I get my foot in the door and I get a chance to be a writer . Having said that perhaps I should add that Time is God's greatest joke , didn't Padre Pio once say something like "The prayers I will say tomorrow will have helped you yesterday ." To finish , perhaps I should just teach Jee Ji more English and then Hey Presto she'll see what a wonderful writer I am . I'm laughing now at my own stupidity , its more likely she'll think even more how useless I am as a writer , however God works in mysterious ways and another thing my mother used to say was "Far Fetched , Like Shit from China." Why ? Because our meeting and falling ion love is so unbelieveable and so far fetched just like "Shit from China" , so the ultimate joke is that it takes a real Chinese miracle for me to find a girl AND get published . Or can I hear God Laughing ? Michael Casey 10 Reginald Rd Bearwood Warley B67 5AQ England Email michaelgcasey@hotmail.com Web http://msnusers.com/michaelcasey Internet Story © By Michael Casey So all I had to do was send an email , and then I’d be a writer , my book in every shop , my face smirking from cardboard cutouts of me holding my book aloft . My book had a great title , so it was bound to sell . A Nation Of Shopkeepers was a great title , if only people could remember their History , were people interested in History , and for that matter my book . It wasn’t a history book , would people think it WAS a history book , and then not buy it . It was a comedy drama , about a street of shops , interconnecting short stories , for all the family , but would people notice the levels , the strands of humour , or would they say it’s a Ma & Pa book , and miss the joke , just as one publisher called did ? I decided to keep the title , though I had a reserve title , The Butcher , The Baker and The Undertaker . Then I realised the US market would rename it The Butcher , The Baker And The Funeral Arranger . You don’t think about such things when you are writing the book , you’re just happy , on a roll , in love with your own intellect , or just surprized you actually DO have any intellect , then you discover that you are dyslexic , you really are dyslexic , thankfully not a really bad case , just dyslexic . As you proof read you see you have put BUT instead PUT , LEAD instead of READ , things like this and other strange things . Sure there are spellcheckers but or is it put , you have to check it anyway . As you read you are surprized at your own ability . You didn’t waste 4years in journalism school , but your writing is GOOD , Did I write that ? Then your chest filled with pride you get somebody else to read it , and guess what ? They think its crap . So now you have to decide , should I give up or should I carry on ? I gave up for as while , while is a unit of years in my case , my life took another path , so the writing was forgotten , it lay dormant for years , then like a phoenix it arose , or more truthfully , like a tortoise awaking from hibernation , sleep still in my eyes I slowly poked my head out , then back in , went back to sleep again , then finally with the pangs of hunger in my stomach I just had to do something . In my case it was eat , as in really eat , then I turned to my old Atari and realised it was not PC compatible , so I bought a new , or rather an old new Atari which was PC compatible . Then I spent a day copying my files so that I could read them on a PC . Then I wrote a few more pieces before I realised I’d get nowhere in England . The chances of being published were 1 in 2000 . So like a bear , I went back in my cave and slumbered . Meeting my wife Jing Jie was a turning point in my life , and not just because it was like Thunder as Jing Jie calls it , it was a turning point because I had a professional opinion on my writing , from a journalist at the very top of the tree . Her uncle is an editor in chief , so his comments were and are like gold , worth more than my first coffee and Cadbury’s chocolate , the pleasure rush I treat myself to every day , his comments really were that important to me , and I really DO like my Cadbury’s , so being better than Cadbury’s is the highest praise I can give . So I knew the quality of my writing , even if others said and say its crap . Getting a modern PC and internet connection was another turning point . Email in our house is like water and electic in any other homes . Jing Jie can “talk” to her mum in Shanghai every day . To friends all over the world as well . Birmingham IS the centre of the universe .So with hope and fear I had to transfer my files from my old Atari to the new PC . The floppy discs were old and battered , several were unreadable , finally my work , my babies were safely on the new PC . Just to be on the safe side I set up a website , so now my work was on somebody’s server in the US , thousands of miles away , safe from fire or theft . I could also put our new baby’s photos on the web site so that my Chinese family in Shanghai and Maimi and friends all over the world could see Annie and Jing Jie and me , they could even read my work too . So now all I had to do was market my work in the US , simple really , soon I’d be doing something useful with my life , making people laugh . I’d be a writing whore , I’d get paid to make others laugh , the best job in the world . So how would I set about it ? I got a list of radio stations from the internet and started sending emails galore . I’m talking in the hundreds now , to radio stations the length and breath of the US .They could publicise my site then eventually I’d get published , or my play would get produced . It was simple wasn’t it . So merrily I went about my business , sending emails galore . Years before I used to send off big heavy envelopes with my work in , with more persistance than hope in my heart .”Thank you for your pieces of paper“was the best put down . I once even met a writer and he agreed to to read my play Shoplife , then he wrote back calling me a plagerist , because it was so good . So I used his note as toilet paper , Shoplife was so good because I had 20years of experience given to me by my sister , I just improved on it , but yet I was called a Copyist , so naturally I was angry and used his note to wipe my bum . I wondered why my strike rate was so low with my emails to radio stations , then somebody casually mentioned , “You do know they will just delete anything with an attachment” . In these days of viruses or worms which I’ve discovered is the new trendy word , nobody can risk their PC , so I merrily send and they merrily delete . I’d been wasting my time , but not my money because I’d got a 24/7 package on my internet from AOL .However one radio station did read Shoplife . The DJ or is it Host , he called it hilarious and he could not stop reading it . It turned out he was an actor as well , though isn’t everybody an actor in the US ? So I thanked him , and quoted him in my future advertising .Humour is a funny thing . The things that make English people laugh are not the same as the things that make Americans’ laugh . We are constantly told by people on tv that English TV is the best in the world , the US material we see is the top 10% , the rest is rubbish . But I know I’d never get my foot in the door in England so I had to persist with my American campaign , so now I pasted in my material , no attachments . Just get them hooked , then paste in a sample then direct them to http://msnusers.com/michaelcasey Then bingo part2 of my life could begin ,I’d be the man that made America laugh , a naïve sentiment , but it was honest .Only AOL turns things into zip files and some people cann’t unzip your files , its like wanting sex but your zipper is broke and you cann’t get your trousers off . Such a strong urge , but no forfillment . I switched to MSMAIL and pasted in my stuff , things started to happen , my files weren’t being deleted or too zipped up to be read . At least I wasn’t frustrated any more . Now I had an agent interested , and a new magazine , even a theatre replied .All praise to Bill Gates , and to a Christian called Pat Verato who pointed me in the direction of a few good sites .However some of the sites that I trawled through were just , so very American . Hey , you too can be a writer , just send me 10 dollars and I’ll send you my book “How to make 10 dollars” , and he does . Then there’s magazines you can subscribe to , yes you’ve guessed it , just send another 10 dollars “Writing for Beginners” . There’s all these agents too who are so successful , persuading tap dancing bus drivers to write about Tap Dancing For Bus Drivers , the complete self help book , costs 10 dollars . The agent gets 20percent , and the bus driver pays 5000dollars to print 500 copies , then he can boast he’s a writer , not just a bus driver , and guess what if you pay 10 dollars you can learn to tap dance too . As for me , what do I think of all this ? I’d say just keep on writing , stop your selling , or attempts at selling , just write a bit . Add to your catologue of 3 poems and 2 short stories , then search for an agent . Believe you’ll never be published and then you won’t be disappointed. There is one final thing you can do though , just tell everybody to go to http://msnusers.com/michaelcasey And help find a publisher for my book , and then you’ve guessed it , just send me 10 dollars ! End

there it is. look at that cracking 3rd stanza!

I couldn't really get into this ALTHOUGH it's good to know he can write pretty well. Think he could have done it in nine or ten stanzas. Still.. it's pretty good. This website is great tho. Just had a look through the archives. Djuna Barnes, Robin Robertson.. and lots of other interesting new stuff. [%sig%]

Nice last stanza. 'And let Mancini, suave but second rate, Sleep with her, as in fact he might have done ... Some recompense for his eventual fate Of scarcely mattering to anyone' Maybe he's had endless poetry books coming out and has just kept schtum about them. [%sig%]

Michael Casey 10 Reginald Rd Bearwood Warley B67 5AQ A Czech Story © Well going to Czech was a risk to begin with , I don’t speak the language for starters and my Penfriend said I couldn’t stop at her place but I’d be staying with her friend , who I thought was a van driver delivering to chemist shops . So I took a chance , being 40 in September has really made me decide to live my life rather than just watch . So there I was at Birmingham Airport and me being scared stiff of flying too . I did have a picture of Padre Pio in my pocket and gave him all my fears to look after . As soon as I got on the plane I told them I was scared , I hoped a air hostess would sit besides me and hold my hand , my very sweaty hand . Instead guess who happened to sit next to me , only Dick Murphy the old programmer , only it wasn’t him just an exact lookalike called Slava , a Russian Professor of Mathematics . So I talked to him , I discovered that talking takes my mind off flying so my sweaty hands soon dried up . And then a stunning KLM airhostess asked was I ok and did I want to see the cockpit , no I replied as I’d only want to drive , this made her laugh . So Slava and me talked on , till we arrived in Amsterdam . Amsterdam airport or should I say Skipol , is a mass of corridors so I went to the desk and asked where do I go for the next plane please . They sent me on a half mile way to the other boarding area. While I was there I got talking to Ed a hugh American Real Estate agent , so naturally I called him a liar , when he told me his occupation . We also had to put up with a boring 14year old girl reading in monotone to her boring dad from a guide book . Ed liked my joke , thank God , so we talked , he warned me about the public toilets . You see they don’t have paper in the cubicals , they just give you a bit when you pay in advance for a poo , and as Ed said you must make every piece of toilet paper count . He also said that they were lunitics when they drove , little did I know then just how true his words would turn out to be . On the second plane I was sitting next to a jet lagged kid called Dave , so I couldn’t talk to him much because he drifted in and out of sleep . But when we did talk he said that he’d been in Alaska with the huskies , not a band but the dogs , he’d been living in a hut too . He wasn’t lying either because he showed me the photos . So the time passed and I landed safe and sound in Prague . The next problem was how would I recognise Jana my penfriend , as I didn’t even have a photo . I had been told she was pretty but would that turn out to be true . East European woman normally are 15stone with hairy warts on their face . So I was delighted to see this stunning woman come towards me , with her sunglasses on her head , she was followed by Darth Vadar , a sulking Darth Vadar . He turned out to be her boyfriend , an ugly mug , but also a lucky lucky man to have such a beautiful woman as his girlfriend . As for her friend who would be my host , he was in the carpark outside . He wasn’t 2 metres tall and full of muscles , he didn’t even have a van . He was 5feet 2inches and drove a Renault 19 , and his name was Loobrush , yes really , and he was a doctor , a gay doctor . I was having a surreal experience already and I’d only just arrived. So Loobrush drove me to Plzen , with Jana and a sulking Darth Vadar in the back . We picked up one of Loobrush’s friends in the suburbs of Prague ,but otherwise we drove at 90mph to Plzen (Pilsner) . Body language is international , so Darth gave away his feelings , here was this rich bastard from England who kept on sending stuff to his girl the English teacher , and he was sure I’d try and take advantage of her . I didn’t get the opportunity , and yes she is really stunning , and Darth is a lucky lucky man . We arrived in Plzen and we drove over the tramlines in the church square , everything was quite and empty , little did I know that the whole country would stop for Easter . Loobrush’s flat was in an old building , from the outside it looked dull and clapped out . But once inside I could see where new power lines had been installed and I had noticed that on entering the building that even double glazing had been installed in parts . So Loobrush showed me around his flat , I was in his spare room which also doubled up as a store room .Thoughtfully he had left three packs of Durex in a wicker basket , or had he designs on my body , they were at the foot of the bed . It was only as I looked up from the contraceptives that I noticed the gay art on the wall , I had suspected in the car on the drive in , but now I knew for certain. We went into the kitchen and then the living room , again there were gay art on the walls of naked men their bodies fuzing together . To be honest the art work was very good . But being an old fashion Catholic Irish boy , I did inwardly wish I was elsewhere , I did have a supply of emergency cash in my pocket , should I clasp my behind and run for the hotel in the square. No I’d stay there and sit it out , though I decided immediately that instead of sleeping in the nude I’d wear my knickers and vest , and my socks as it turned out , not for fear of him being a toe sucker , but because his spare room was freezing . Then they showed me where the bathroom was and with that the tour was over , he then handed me the keys to his flat and said he’d be back in three days . Jana my penfriend showed me which key worked which door and with that I was all alone , abandoned almost . So what do you do in a situation like that ? I went and had a poo . It was while I was there that I had two fresh shocks . I looked up from my position on the loo only to see Mark Hallam from Oxford sales smiling and looking back at me , he was wearing his beach shorts and dangling his toe in the surf on the beach which was on the other side of the bathroom , was I hallucidating , was I on drugs . No. Loobrush had a cardboard cutout on the floor opposite the loo and bog ,and yes the cutout really did look like Mark Hallam . So there I was in the depths of Czech , but I felt in a home from home , thanks to Mark . Then I tried the loo paper , and it was as if Bill Lucy was using his electric sander on my bum , yes as fortold by Ed at the airport , their toilet paper is a pain in the bum ! So I spent a few hours alone in the flat listening to country music on the radio “Radio Karol-Ina” was the jingle , I just thought was this coounty and western or country and eastern . Then John Denver came on singing “Take me Home Country Roads” , yes I was having a surreal experience . So I raided the fridge and ate all Loobrush’s bread . I was seeing them two hours later for dinner , just me and the stunning Jana and the brooding Darth Vadar , but I was hungry . So I admired the gay art and the Aids Kills poster while I drunk my nescafe , thank god for Nescafe . Jana and Darth arrived at 8:20pm , his shadow blotted out the moon but as it moved on , I was at last able to see Jana in her designer glasses , she later admitted that she only wore them for reasons of fashion . One of the west’s bad habits now transfered to Plzen , Czech . I had dinner , which was diced bits of stuff and vegetables . I never really knew what I was eating in Czech , but as everybody knows I am a good eater . I enjoyed my first Czech beer and yes its very good , even for a shandy drinker like me . Jana and Darth had a drink too . I showed them photos of us all at last years Neilsen’s Its a Knockout , but they seem uninterested , why ? Because he cann’t speak English and he felt left out , so he sulked and sulked and sulked . As for me I just loved the food , so I ordered another meal , the same one again to be exact , and a second Pilsner Urquart too . My table manners were great , I didn’t burp once . Then Darth had to leave as he had ice hockey in the morning , so they paid for their own drinks and left . They didn’t want me to pay for the drinks , so I finished my second meal and second pint alone . The bill arrived , and it came to £4 , if we had managed to get into the two other places we had tried perhaps it would have been £6 , but I wasn’t arguing with prices like that . So what to do now , it was Saturday night and I had a full belly and empty flat with condoms provided , I did just what you’d expect of me . I went and rung my sister from a hotel nearby , and then I went to Midnight Mass, it was Easter after all . Three and a half hours later , the Mass was over and I was dying for a piss . And I just couldn’t remember where Loobrush’s flat was , so I went into the Casine in the square by the Church . “Do you speak English” I asked the bouncer . “Yes I speak English” he replied . And he could speak English , only all he knew was those four words “Yes , I speak English” . I would have swore but I had just left Mass , the longest Mass in my life . So I ran around the square will my wooly hat on , it said “Paris” in red , but at least in Paris I could have spoke in French . Finally after 15 mins I found my way out of the square towards the bridge which would lead me home to Loobrush’s flat . By the time I had had a wash and shave it was 3am and I was shattered and I knew I couldn’t sleep till 5am and then I had to be up for a wedding at 9.30 . The morning came and I felt as if I’d just finished a night shift at Stats , so of course I missed the wedding . No I wasn’t marrying my penfriend , she was interpreting at the town hall , which was supposed to be very pretty . So we met up after the wedding instead , not before I had encountered the local drugs pushers in the square saying huskily that he had “Insulin” in a tube . So she gave me a tour of Plzen . She showed me a pretty synagog , third biggest in the East she boasted , but not open to the public . It also had a dirty six lane highway in front of it , which for me somewhat detracted from its beauty a bit like me wearing a suit and then having salad cream down my tie if you like . After three hours she had to go back to Darth Vadar , so I had three hours on my own , before Ivona a former student of hers who had been a nanny is sunny Hockley here in Brum was to meet me and babysit me for another three hours . Ivona was pretty and funny , and she showed me where the Irish Pub was , it was called Zach’s and there was an Irish flag on the wall and Guinness posters everywhere , so naturally I felt at home . I just talked and talked and talked , as I normally do , for some reason Ivona found me funny . She had taken me on a tour of Plzen on the tram before we found a comfy niche in Zach’s , the town was drab I suppose , perhaps that’s why people paint the buildings to cheer themselves up . Finally after three hours Ivona had to go home and walk her dog . As for me I went home to the flat and more County and Western music . But Radio Karol-Ina was growing on me . But that night I did catch up on my sleep , which I badly needed . Easter Monday and Plzen was still shut and I was all on my own , I rung my sister to complain , she just laughed at me . But it was a mystery tour the whole holiday after all . So I ate and ate and ate , I ended up getting the trotts so I had to dash back to the flat and Mark Hallam watching me have a poo to be followed by Bill Lucy with his sander , such were the delights of Czech toilet paper . But at least it was only 36p a pint , but unfortunately I am a shandy drinker who cann’t handle his booze . So which way could I turn , it was while I walked through the posh bit of Plzen that I met two of the local prostitutes , they all have the same uniform the world over , the big smile and the cheap plastic hangbag . I ignored their smiles and headed for the Macdonalds , where two armed police were having a burger . On the way home I walked past a leather shop where I spotted some presents for my Nephew and Neice , so the day wasn’t a waste after all . So I went home to Radio Karol-Ina , it could only get better . Tuesday was a great day , the town came to life , it was nice to see and hear traffic . So I went to the shop and bought chocolate , and God it was good , and chewing gum too . Little pleasures mean so much , especially if you are somewhere where you cannot speak a word of the language . So now it was time for me to go to school , Jana had told me that she’d let me talk to the kids during a lesson . So we went into this building that looked as if it would fall down , however once inside it was all done up . So I got to practice the presenting skills I had learnt on a course in Oxford only days earlier . I stood up in front of the class and spoke for an hour to an hour and a half . For some reason I was staring at the girl in the corner with the bright red lipstick on . I did not know who she was I was to learn on Thursday that her name was Patricie ! After my first ever classroom experience , Jana and me went for a meal , in a clapped out building we found a nice restaurant , again once the inside was the opposite to the outside . I just ate and enjoyed a beer with the meal . Jana let me pay , I told her I must be earning ten times more than her , so I should pay . She had proved her point on Saturday by not letting me pay , so now we both enjoyed a good meal and I paid , probably £7 , and yes I did feel like a millionaire while I was in Czech . Afterwards we went for a walk around Plzen , I saw some paintings in a gallery above a bank , one of Loobrush’s friends worked in the bank while upstairs his paintings were on show . I don’t know was he the artist who produced the gay art that adorned Loobrush’s wall , but what I saw was good , and no it wasn’t gay art , just buildings and a couple of Jesters . While there I noticed some hand painted mugs , so I bought one . The mug I chose had a tall girl with rosy cheeks and red lips , she also had long hair . What I honestly didn’t realise at the time was that , the figure on the mug was very similar to Patricie , so something subliminal was going on already . Later the Tuesday night Loobrush had a party , a load of doctors or 5th year medical students came around , and only one spoke English , he’d been in Texas and was a little pompous I thought . He also spent the evening snogging his girlfriend , the lucky man . As for me , I said that I could speak French , so Mary a stunning medic came and sat next to me , so we spoke in French for half an hour and I told her my aspro/tampon story , which made her laugh . Other friends of Loobrush were two male bodybuilders , he went to gym you see, he also had an unemployed friend who played guitar and sang , and he was bloody good too . Some more stunning girls arrived and had to bend low to pick up food from Loobrush’s low table , so I had shaply bums in my face and I loved every second of it . I think that that was the only time my libedo returned , for some strange reason all the time in Loobrush’s flat , I just felt devoid of all of all my usual appetites . So the hours passed and I drank lots of wine , it was nice wine too . I thought it was fizzy pop at first because it was in plastic pop bottles , I’d forgotten that the Czech’s recycle everything . People drifted away and Loobrush’s lover arrived , a little man with a pixie smile , and yes I just knew that they’d be in bed together later . So as it was half twelve I made my excuses and said I’d have a wash then I’d go to bed . So I went up the corridor to my room . I opened the door and felt for the light switch , and low and behold there was the Texas doctor hurriedly uncoupling from his girlfriend , I think they’d pass the practicle exam for human biology . So rather than just close the door again , I took out my camera and shot off ten snaps , before asking them to try different positions please . Only Joking . But I did fumble for the off light switch before leaving them to it , and it took a few seconds because there were two light switches next to each other . But I wasn’t embarrassed in the slightest , sex/love is a wonderful thing , I just wish I was having my share , no doubt I’ll make up for lost time in the future and have eight children , well in my dreams anyway . Wednesday morning came and Loobrush was to take me , to see a nice place . It was a surreal experience having a doctor make me breakfast while he was in his pyjamas , or jogging bottoms . Perhaps they are more egalitarian over there but for me , a doctor gave you pills , he didn’t make you breakfast . So we drove , we would have flown if he drove a little faster , they drive like bats out of hell in Czech . We arrived at a hospital , Loobrush went inside , and I was given 3 and a half hours to explore . The town was a bit clapped out and dirty , but I soon came to the posh bit where the painted building were and the church . I had a wonder around and decided that the rest of the town wasn’t much cop . So I went and bought shoes , I just love buying shoes , I would love buying ladies underwear , not for myself , but if I had a girl it would be nice buying it for her , again in my dreams . So I buy shoes instead , shoes for myself . Then I went and took pretty photos , and found that the church was locked . Sadly most of the churches are locked , cos bastards come and steal the artifacts , so for me no matter how pretty the outside of a church , its the inside that counts . Just to be able to say a prayer , the same one wherever I am , “please God let somebody like me/love me .” So I went into what must have been a five star hotel and had a beer and then another beer , I was then getting a litle hungery , so asked for the menu . The girl spoke Czech and German , and the menu was in those two languages , and I knew English and French , so we had four langauges between us , and still we couldn’t communicate . So I pointed to my mouth and made a noise like a pig snorting , she laughed and smiled and that’s how I ordered my dinner . It was nice too , so I had two coffees too , it passed the time anyway . Then I made my way back to the hospital , on the way back I noticed a hand made leather bag , the small kind women have for posh nights out , so I bought it for my sister . The meal and beers had cost £6.60 , the bag was very expensive at £10 . I wondered back to the hospital , Loobrush was happy everything had gone perfectly , a perfect day he said , I should have said that he’d only had 5 English lessons so far , so his English was basic . So he drove me to a Spa town , he did tell me the names but I can neither pronounce nor remember them . But the Spa town was just great ,we parked high on the side of a hill , then we had to walk down the hill into a gorge where the spa was . The spa was a series of hot taps/fountains to taste a variety of the waters brimming with minerals , there was a wooded building with lots of pillars which housed the fountains , then at the end was a brick building with an indoor fountain about 50foot high , the photos looked great . There were also lots and lots of painted hotels.After drinking ten of the different waters , each of which cures a specific illness it must be almost as going to Lourdes , and yes I needed a piss , so Loobrush waited outside , while I tapped my own fountain . The drive home was nice in the evening sunshine, and my face got red and redder . The next day was Thursday , we had arranged to meet two of Jana’s students outside the school , which was 50yards from Loobrush’s flat . And there was Patricie , she jumped into the car first , so she could be able to talk to me easily . It was 8 am , for the next 12 hours I just talked and talked , and for some reason only know to God himself , she seemed to like me . Loobrush was going miles away to a hospital , it took us over two and a half hours just to get there , and remember that he normally drives at 90mph . Finally we arrived and Loobrush dropped us off , we had so many hours to ourselves . I tried talking to both girls , but gradually I ended up talking mainly to Patricie . We came accross a blacksmith making ornaments , so I took a photo and told her that my father had been a blacksmith in Ireland , before he came to England where he spent 40years in a steel works . I was my normal self , whatever was happening just happened , I don’t understand it . We took a few photos of the countryside from high on the ramparts , and Hedvika the other girl took a photo of the two of us , so I jumped at the opportunity and got her to take a photo of me and Patricie , sadly it came out slightly out of focus . So we went and joined a tour of the castle in Czech , I told the girls that they could translate , but Patricie got me an English translation. I paid for the three of us , because I assumed they were poor students , and besides everything was so cheap in Czech . The castle was very nice , it had several mirrors too , so I preened myself as I walked past each , “its an English tradition ,” I told them . This seemed to amuse them , especially Hedvika . So we toured the castle , it was very nice , though a little off putting as the girl guide had to lock up each room as we passed through . I really enjoyed the tour , we came to a painted of some Lady who looked so pretty , so I said to Patricie that I’d love to meet her too , this made her smile , and yes already her smile had power over me . After the tour the girls said we’d go and look at the bears , I thought that they’d be bears in the nearby wood , but no , eventually we found two pits with four bears in them . So naturally I took photos . Then we went in search of food , I would have been satisfied anyway , but after a bit of a search we found somewhere to eat . It was up a steep cobblestoned lane, so I offered Patricie my hand , as she was wearing high heels . So I led her to the restaurant . Inside I said I’d have the same as her .So I did , soup arrived so I used my spoon , but being me halfway through I picked up my bowl and drank from it . As for Patricie she sat directly opposite me and our eyes met. So naturally I enjoyed the meal , whatever it was . And again I paid , it was only £8 odd for three meals and four drinks . Patricie had had a soft drink , but she followed it up with a “pint” just like mine , though she only had a few sips from it . I suppose it was mirroring behaviour like you read about in physcology books , but at the time I was just enjoying her smile . Then we went to see a display of paintings . They were pretty graphic , a bit like a guide to prostitutes to show off their talents is perhaps the politest way to describe them . Lots of open legs poses , there I was with a pretty girl trying to impress and I’m at a display of naughty drawings . So I told her I couldn’t understand what the art was trying to say , so she ran off and gave me an English translation . At first I thought she had run off in disgust , but no she was cattering to my every whim . When we had finished looking at the drawings , Patricie hung around in front of some display of dates , it probably was my chance to kiss her , but I was stupid and didn’t take the opportunity , but then again she could just have been interested in the facts and figures .Afterwards we had a walk around till we met Loobrush again . Next we were to drive to another castle , but it was getting late , so by the time we arrived there it was going to close . It was up a steep hill , so I walked up the hill , engrossed in conversation with Patricie , Hedvika had said she had a cousin in the shop at the bottom of the hill , so she stayed in the background . As we walked Patricie said she owned a hotel and a cinema and that she had a country house, her granmothers . I told her she was rich , but she said she had a mortgage . So I gave her splendid advice and told her to marry the bankmanager . We entered the castle and I asked when was it built and again she ran off , to come back with the date for me . So then we stood talking while Loobrush and Hedvika sat and watched us . Again we were mirroring each other , and again I only thought it out afterwards . I told her that if she was in England I’d be her servant and polish her shoes and iron her clothes . “I would like that” was her smiled reply . So they castle was closing , so Patricie and me walked down the hill , engrossed in each other . I probably was my strange accent that amused her . So we then all went and had pancakes and a beer , and again she sat opposite me , so we took a few photos . I still couldn’t believe my luck , was it the 20 wishes I made in the 20 churches in Paris , becoming true . They all found me funny , but they thought that I’d painted my face red to amuse them , in fact it was my normal greasy bad completion . Another thing she did was to swop pancakes with Loobrush so that she was eating the same as me . Afterwards we went to a filling station for petrol , while there we took photos , and I set up my camera on the self timer , while we were posing I kissed her , so she ran off and and touched up her lipstick . But she didn’t slap my face . So we left the petrol station happy . While we drove home to Plzen Loobrush played some of the tapes I’d bought him . And Blasphemous Rumours by Depeche Mode played , so I sang along because I was so happy , I turned around to tell Patricie thats how I see God , he will greet us laughing loudly after we die . She had told me she had prayed when her father was ill but I don’t know is he still alive . Then Hedvika said that Patricie had some holiday photos and did I want to see them . So Patricie passed them forward , and loo and behold there she was in a skimpy dress , in a bakini , and a rear view of her in a thong , the other photos were good too . So I had a great day . The only bad thing about the day was that it ended , and that twice Loobrush could have been in a head on crash . Patricie wouldn’t give me her address at the start of the day , but by the finish she did . Finally our journey was over , so I asked for another souvenir , so we kissed again , and I told her to write and she told me to send disc . I know I should have got out of the car and kissed her big time , but I didn’t , because I’m stupid . But that one day will always be with me , its done wonders for my ego , even if she never writes and I never see her again . Why ? Because if I can attract a Czech , then I can attract somebody here in Birmingham , after years of no hope , I now have Hope in my heart , but for how long...... Friday was Prague , Jana had said that she’d take me there and show me her Capital City but she had to work , what I never fully realised was that she was self employed so time spent with me meant she lost income , so I cann’t really blame her . Loobrush walked me to the station and put me on the train , I just felt so lost not being able to speak a word of the language . If I had carried on trying to learn German from the satelite then things would have been different , I did buy a book and I did learn 400 words or so , but most are forgotten , so I was lost , cos a bit of German goes a long way in Czech . It took an hour and a half to get to Prague , I’d been warned not to get off at the first station but to stay on the train and go to the main station . The highlight of the journey was when I looked out the window only to see a railroad worker do up his trousers after he had had a rail side poo , at least he wasn’t in the station I suppose . The main square in Prague is called Wensislas Square , there’s a massive building at the top with a statue of a man on a horse below it , otherwise it reminded me of the Champs Elysee in Paris , yes really , it was the Friday after Good Friday and it was packed , and as you went down the boulevard it got more packed , till you came to the clock square , I didn’t bother use the guide book that John Gordon had been kind enough to lend me . There are also market stalls galore blocking the view and sense of space , so naturally I bought presents . I got an ugly hag for John because he had told me that his Kwie Fruit of a wife just loved them , so I got her one . I also found a tiny four inch high spinning top . When I was four , 35 years ago I had had a big plastic one and I can remember my Uncle Joe spinning it for me , so I bought one instantly for my neice Francesca , the tradition could now be passed on , I was so pleased mind you the crowds were intense and only at the start of the tourist season . I wondered around and saw a few monuments and took photos and I visited a church , which was open , so I had a look in , it was Saint Joseph’s churh , it said so on the postcards , so as he is patron saint of workers my mom told me that’s how I know ,I asked him to find me a job next year , when Stats gets rid of me . I wondered around and decided I’d go and seek out the Irish Pub , so I literally look up and there it was in front of me . An English barman welcomed me , he had a Czech girlfriend that’s why he was there . And guess what it cost ,70p for a small pint , I felt robbed having got used to 40p for a pint but it was a welcome drink as it was hot and sunny by now . I wondered around looking at buildings but to be honest the crowds put me off . I cann’t stand being hemmed in on New Street , so here it felt worse . I found the Charles Bridge , which is the famous one with all the statues , but again the crowds just swamped it . There were artists galore selling pictures of the bridge , again it reminded me of Paris and the stalls along the edge of the Seine next to Notre Dame . So I went and ate , I was hungry by now . To my surprize the menu was in English , so I did know what I was about to eat for once . Afterwards I spotted a music shop , so I bought Loobrush a Tina Turner album as another thankyou present , he had been very kind to me after all . I continued wandering around until it was time to take the train back to Plzen . I was a bit early for the train , so I sat on a bench outside the station , sitting next to me were a couple of Indians , so it was almost like being back in Brum on the Dudley Rd . When the train was due I went inside and triple checked the times on the departure board , but I still felt so vunerable , I just wish I was a linguist like my brother , though Czech is not one of his languages . So I asked “Does anybody speak English ?” an old man spoke up saying he spoke French , German and Russian . I think I must have asked the same question in French , but anyway we did have one common tongue . So with his help I got on the right train . It could only happen to me that I go somewhere that doesn’t speak English and yet I end up speaking French . Thank God for Mr Notzing my old French teacher , he made me , literaally forced me and all his students learn French . A vocab test every week without fail for the four years I had him as teacher . So I spoke in French on a Czech train , my companion turned out to be a philosphoy professor his French was not as good as mine but he did prove that I did not exist just as many people here at Stats wish was the case . Once back in Plzen I made my way back to Loobrush’s flat , not before I bought some pink candyfloss off a man , I thought it would make a fun present to go with the Tina Turner album , I didn’t think whether or not candy floss had any gay connotations , I just thought it would be fun . Back in the flat I scrawled a thankyou note and left the presents on the kitchen table . Would any of us just hand over the keys to our home to a total stranger , and then disappear for three days , leaving only three packs of condons behind . To be serious , I must say that Loobrush is a better man than me . Later on I went to the Irish pub for one last time , I had a couple of pints and a final meal with Jana. I gave her the Guardian International edition , the lead story was about Pol Pot , but underneath it was a wonderful story about a man who goes Line Dancing , one week as a man , and the next as a woman , it made me laugh . It confused Jana at first , but then she laughed . Once I’d finished my meal we were to go bowling . Bowling is wonderful , its the only thing I’m terrible at that I enjoy , because you just don’t know if you will knock them all down or get nothing . Its fun . There we met up with Darth Vadar and Loobrush and Ivona and various friends of theirs . It was a fun evening and I managed to get some funny snaps . I also showed them how to cheat by throwing two balls at once , it was also there that Loobrush finally got to touch my bum . He was swinging his arm and I happening to standing behind him , so his hand touched my bum , all innocent and above board . But I must repeat that bowling is such fun , If I was a millionaire I’d have a bowling alley in me house . When we’d finished bowling it was time to go home and to say goodbye , Jana was working the next day so she couldn’t come to the airport to see me off , but good old Loobrush would put me on the plane . So we left the bowling via the back way down a spiral staircase it was half twelve , Loobrush , Jana and me walked down the road , there was no sign of Darth Vadar . Then suddenly he materailised from out of nowhere , just as Jana and me were about to say our farewells , I really wanted to kiss her goodbye , she was looking stunning even after midnight , so instead I just looked deeply into her dark brown eyes , then after an age , she said “See you later,” a new phrase I’d taught her , and then she and Darth dissappeared into the darkness . Me and Loobrush went back to the flat , and I handed back the spare keys , me holiday was almost over . In the morning Loobrush drove me to Prague and the airport , one last memorable thing was left to happen . Loobrush cut a car up on the motorway , so the other car hooted , Loobrush called him an “idiot” , I realised it was a near miss and said calmly “we will stay calm” , it was moments later that the car overtook us and hooted and forced us to stop . Then an irate motorist stormed over and ripped Loobrush’s car door open , he swore , God alone knows what , I still don’t speak Czech , then he slammed the car door shut . I think that the only reason Loobrush wasn’t belted was because I was sitting next to him , either that or Saint Christopher himself intervened . So we drove onto the airport . Loobrush handed me over to the KLM check in . I told him “You may not be 2 metres tall (as expected) , but your heart is 2 metres wide” , and YES I really mean it . I hope that in the future I can repay his kindness , even if I have made a joke out of his name . So I flew home , on the planes there was an empty seat next to me . Does that mean I need a companion to travel with me , or was it Saint Christopher himself on his way home to heaven via Birmingham , no doubt my mother promised him a nice cuppa if he looked after me while in Czech ... The End of Michael’s Big Czech Misadventure

<> This is part of your "comedy" right? I wish they were.

Clive James is brilliant. You can buy an absolutely mammoth collected poems, which i'm sure is worthwhile but probably too much to start with. I don't know the names of his collections. I've only read his poetry in anthologies, or in newspapers or bookshops. Very witty, personal and often moving. Joe

The Dead and The Living (c) by Michael Casey I first saw a deceased when I was nine years old ,my father said not to worry as the dead are the same as the living , only the laughter has left them , the sparkle has gone from their eyes , the worry has been lifted from their shoulders , and their voice has vanished to eternity . In paradise the sparkle will return for it is the twinkle of the stars , the laughter will return too for it is the morning breeze and the turning tides are their sides shaking with laughter . I treat the deceased with the same courtesy as I give to the living , though I find the deceased are always more polite . My father also had a few words to say about the living . He said that the living are only the caretakers of the soul , yet they think their existance is everything , that they know everything because they experience many things with their senses . What the living don't acknowledge is that their time is short and when I lay their bodies to rest then their souls continue without them , without their strong , without their weak , without their beautiful or even uglg temporary form , to where I cannot say , only that it is a better place . Percy the undertaker placed the lid on the coffin ,the soul was free THE BEGINNING the Percy is the Undertaker in my novel http://groups.msn.com/michaelcasey the butcher the baker and the undertaker

What do you think about Clive James' poetry Michael?

He ain't interested, but you can read all about himself here, http://groups.msn.com/michaelcasey

HEE-HAW HEE-HAW....

Why should he read yours? You don't appear to have read his!

i saw clive james today, near clissold park in stoke newington, he was walking a very large dog, his wife and daughter were with him, walking two smaller dogs, he looked a bit tired...

Did he have a bound first edition of the collected works of Michael Casey under his arm?

strangely, no, might have left them behind, be a lot to carry around whilst controlling a large dog...i think it was a belgian sheepdog, jet black..beautiful dog..

Hrm, I'm not sure about 'brilliant', as Andrew says, he does tend to ramble on. On holiday, two years ago, I found a Clive James poetry book on the shelf in the place I was staying. I thought 'Brilliant, I like Clive James' writing'. I gave up on it after ten mins. Utter crap, much of it from his youth. he only got it published due to his current fame. Perhaps he has improved since? Too much rhyme, too long a slog for me.

And yet, do you know that the first time I read the poem that I linked here, I didnt even notice it rhymed. That for me is the sign of true brilliance... so many poems go duh duh duh clunk, duh duh duh clunk. This one swept me along quite amazingly.