West of Burton by phil harvey

Thank you, very kind. I would be very interested on where you think it needs tightening. I have been working on this for a while now and am getting a bit snow blind.

The thing I really like about this is that it feels part of something larger. The characters and the place have a life outside of the story itself. Agree that it has a haunting quality, and some excellent images. Also agree that it really needs editing! The tension is dissipated by too much unnecessary detail about your narrator's present life. Details of job, education etc aren't needed unless they really add to the story. Conversely, I really wanted to know why he didn't go to the funeral, and felt that some indication of his feelings at that point might have been a good way to explore more of his uncertainties about what was going on. An unsettling piece. I enjoyed reading it.

Its interesting that you say it feels like part of something larger. :). I am thinking of 'part two'. Both should be entierly independant. BUT in the same world. I have been trying to find a world to write in, and this is one I am quite fond of. Its based around a real place (where I grew up) which makes it easier to write about. I am interested in the comments on editing. When it has 'sat' for a bit I will definitly go back to it and look to remove more of the 'unnecesary'. I have already done that alot for this version. The First version had alot less details but was called 'distant' and 'cold'. I have been through it with several people to whittle it down to under 3500 words. What I was going for was that unemotive nature of the comments about the narrators current life was to emphasise the nostalgia and his feeling of detachment from the past. as to WHY the narrator didn't go to the funeral....well....that would be telling. :()