Leaving... Behind by Queen Elf

http://www.abctales.com/story/queenelf/leaving-behind

I did like this, but I didn't cherry and I'll explain why.

The opening couple of sentences hooked me in and I thought, I'm going to like this. I would lose the part in the brackets, though.

Throughout, the dialogue works really well and I think that's why I enjoyed it. The narrative, however, feels a little inauthentic. Phrases like

"he’s hurt her feelings and that makes him feel..."

are a bit too much tell and not enough show for my liking. Ditto:

"Her face takes on that pained look and he realises that she’s waiting for his reaction to her earlier statement."

...over-explains a little, I think.

If this were mine, I would lean more on the dialogue, which, like I say, reads really well.

Ben