Gay to Straight: Stacey Dooley in the USA. BBC 3, 9pm

I’m getting in my heterosexual credentials right away. Stacey Dooley is super-hot. As for the girl that ‘reads’ BBC 3 new. She’s supernova. I know this is a sign that I’m secretly gay, because if you keep banging on about how hetero you are it’s a sign that you’re really homo. But according to gay conversion therapy there isn’t really such a thing as homosexuality. There is same sex preference, but gee whiz, that can be changed. It’s a clinically proven response to a daddy deficit in empathy. This reminded me a bit of early responses to autism, that it too was a lack, but it was a mother’s lack of empathy and love. Group hugs. A bit of backwoods’ bonding with the guys and right as rain. So I did the test. I put myself in PJ shoes. He’s a nineteen year old, in gay conversion therapy, and admits to an addiction to gay porn. So I imagined I was attracted to women. I imagined Stacey Dooley perched on my lap, her Bambi eyes looking into mine and her telling me it didn’t have to be this way. We could be friends. Good friends. But I should get a husband and settle down. So here’s the big question. Sex. Could I have sex with a guy? Well, yeh, I don’t like broccoli, but I can go along with it if somebody puts it on my plate. Could I have broccoli for dinner every night of my life and say I loved it? Difficult. I’m not sure. I must admit to an attraction to Skylar’s mum. She’s hot. See. There I go again. Skylar admitted his mind told him one thing, and his body another. He self-harms and tried to kill himself. It wasn’t his fault, of course. Skylar’s dad took the blame. He was so relieved Skyar was cured. There wasn’t an Adam and Steve he said: it was Adam and Eve. His very pretty wife laughed along with him. I looked it up in the bible and Skylar’s dad was right. There was no Steve. Only Adam and Eve. But it didn’t say Adam preferred it that way. Maybe he’d have liked a Steve. But there was only Eve there. So he humped her and did a lot of begetting. Later on, of course, a lot of Adam’s descendants were Sodomites. A couple of angels appear and the cities’ men don’t stand back in amazement. They try to smash down the doors so they can hump the angels up the bum. This came as quite a shock to me. I never knew angels had ass holes. That means they must eat food and process it in the same way hominoids do. Angels must shit in the wood. And if angels shit in the wood then they must pee as well. And if they must pee they must have a penis. You know where I’m going with this one. Does an angel get a hard on? Does an angel get a hard on for other angels with penises? Do angels need therapy? So gay to straight therapy is coming to the UK. It seems to be very successful. It’s so successful they’re opening a branch in heaven.