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Thanks to Luly Whisper, Brownie_01 and insertponcey. I didn't know the Queen eats sausages but I do now. I had One of Those Days illustrated (well, sketched) but haven't the dosh to do this one yet. It's on the cards, though. Happy Easter, Richard.

Cheers, comrades. Laptop survival is of ze utmost importance.

Understanding parents instinctively know about the tell-tale signs when their offspring get glacial on acid,(Thank God for the sixties), although imagining that someone who wore Choos might indulge in lysergics was a bit far-fetched. Well written and funny.

Their purpose is to fire our imagination, to bring to light the untenability of the present system and to ask us to look within for strength to carry out the necessary change required for a decent life on the planet. Every day, I wake up and wonder how change will be possible, and it sounds like you ask the same questions. Will the ultimate cost to our families, friends and country prove far greater than allowing the system to realise its dream of a purely two-tier society? Will it all be for nothing? Will we fall into torment and famine, allowing the rich to realise their goal far quicker? If a person was asked whether he would go through with a heart transplant in order to give himself the chance to live, what would be his answer? There are those who believe we are made by God's design so much that any such operation is in contempt of God's wishes. Is the pain of change worth suffering or is it best to let it happen? My own thought is that by passively accepting evil on earth, I am defying all that is good in myself by allowing it, and in doing so defying God's will for me. (When I say God, I mean all that is good; I have no religious leanings, but I have a strong sense that there is something out there that is looking after me and telling me to speak out). Why can't I just get on with life and enjoy it for all it has to offer? Why have I always felt that things could be better? Because I see it in people's eyes, I hear it in their voices and I know there is a better way, but I can only describe 'a better way' as 'what is right and true in all ways'. Laws are abused by many, but a politically-correct feeding-frenzy mentality has encouraged the legal profession to represent all that is wrong, while the govt are happy to let it happen because of their own agenda (higher tax income). The care system is in professional disarray, managed by people who are not equipped to help others, let alone themselves. There are more dissatisfied people on the planet than ever. Even the rich think it's time for change. We all know that everything is wrong, that it has been for a while now and that the time is right for proper discussion. With the Murdochs in the dock, Europe on the brink of collapse, the banks stronger than ever, the church and the police force's credibility and people's hopes and aspirations at an all-time low, our children the least happy in the developed world there has never been a better time for change. We need to open the bonnet together to see what needs fixing (it's certainly not everything and we KNOW what's wrong really). Our need for change doesn't need a leader. We've seen time and again, and from the very start, what happens when a leader is found and held aloft, literally; this only diminishes responsibility from all those who seek better in themselves. A common bond of trust needs to be founded by all those that can lead and help bring about change in order for people to rise to the challenge as a whole. Laws need to be changed AND respected by all (not just the people), regulations need to be upheld (and not just box-ticked to justify credibility), criminals (white-collar included) need to reprimanded properly, the power of money needs to be downgraded, farming and manufacturing need to be encouraged, sport within education, transparency within all markets, competition where it is not necessary, ie. energy, media, insurance, etc. (which is fixed anyway) needs to be eradicated (slowly), human rights need to be better defined, the legal profession needs to be restrained, the government needs to be dismantled and its powers transferred to each and every British citizen so that we are all encouraged to think and live responsibly. Local councils to uphold law. Laws that don't need changing (ie.the vast majority of laws) remain in place. These are a few things I believe in, and while I'm sure I'm not alone (only a few years ago, I was seen as an idealistic lunatic), any true change will require the consent of the vast majority of the country's population to stand a chance. Whether this is what the protesters want, I don't know, but I'm sure it's not far off.

minimalism's all good but as i said about ads in the eighties it counted for something then

Bouncers are too busy checking for any tell-tale signs of punter-indiscretion to have the cheek to question the unparalleled integrity of their gracious employers! Seriously, though, everyone knows casinos cheat their pimply arses off if there's enough money riding, especially with roulette. It's common knowledge among gamblers to bet on the side of the wheel opposite that which has the most money riding. Thanks for my wonderful prize of an all-inclusive fortnight in the Caribbean, FTSE100. You are a true gentleman. Only joshing. Great forum topic.

Well written and very interesting. The title winked at me for good reason. I thought the old man had other ideas but was glad for the positive ending. It made me think that he had somehow understood the writer's kindness and warmth towards the child; three ages of enlightenment. Welcome to the wonderful world of Abctales. I joined about a year and a half ago and it has helped me immeasurably.

I like the image of you standing away from the clothes line, praying that he's finally learnt how to do what he wishes he'll never have to do again in his entire life. But imagine a Kids Anonymous meeting. Ouch, 'ohhh, and she left a tangerine peel was on the sofa for three days' and 'I found girls clothes in his drawers. Do you think he might be gay?' (Probably not!) I don't know what's worse, though, the idea of a KA or worrying about the shit they pull from time to time. They only do it to keep you on your toes (and because they need you and love you and seriously don't want to grow up). Thing is, kids are like adults. They'll always do things the wrong way until they find it necessary to do them the right way.

Hi Rachel, Yeah, I forgot to say what it was like for a man, didn't I.. Erm, well I suppose it's a bit like that feeling you get when you score a goal, no it's not, it's a bit like a tingly feeling that runs through the whole body (similar to what the girl said, I know). I'll have to think about it...maybe it's a place in the mind that no other feeling can match, where every neuron 'meets' in a fusion of ecstacy. I'm off to chop this poem up as you wisely suggested but I think I'll always have trouble with the word stanza. Thanks for reading Richard

Glad to see that it's going ahead, Sundays.

A cracker! Reminds me of waking up and forgetting that I'd puked in the kitchen sink the night before. What a sight, mixed up with all the cutlery and plates. Niiice!

Knowledge and power are good in the right hands. Help? It's all in the asking, isn't it? Anger causes resentment and can prove very costly. I've always been very nice to doctors and dentists. Smile and the world smiles back. I half-like the way you leave alot to the imagination of the reader. The other half says I need more to go on.

This one had me gripped. It's really well written and I felt that the storyline was made clearer. Hectic and surreal. All the best Richard

That's the longest text message I've ever seen.

Thanks for the read, Rob. The Parent Trap has Lindsay Lohan in it. It's a kids movie but because I haven't seen my daughters for so long it made me bloody cry. there's no real relevance to this apart from the fact that I want the chance to guide my kids. All the best Richard

Unfortunately, my post just got wiped mysteriously, again. I seem to be alone in this happening but I just wrote a really good comment for this and now I'm angry!This is soberly comical, inventive and highly quaffable prose. Both this and the library episode are a real departure in my book. I think you've found your voice and it works for me bigtime. It's lysergic and dry. All the best Richard

Thanks Pia, Sharmi and Well-wisher. I smiled and said 'yes' to myself elatedly when I finished this one; always a good sign. Very glad you enjoyed it and thanks for commenting.

This is vibrant and alive. Fingering the spliff in the pocket on the beach was a nice touch. That brought euphoric recall. One punc; at the beginning, 'parents hands' should be parents' hands. You did ask. There were some tense problems in the 'My hands fidget' para. Vivid writing. All the best Richard

Thanks for the compliment, Sundays.

Hi Maggie, I like the Jesus that says we're all of God. That makes sense because I reckon even an insect is of God. You're spot on that by heightening Jesus to a separate Godlike status and proclaiming his own flock as not of God, this has the effect of knocking us mere mortals and minimising our sense of social responsibility, thus justifying a life of sin and woe. Perhaps the reason why the real Jesus didn't make it into the Modern bible was because it didn't serve the authorities as well to offer Godliness to mankind. The guilty serve the wicked as if it was their destiny while the righteous would never yield to them because they would know better. Perhaps the gift of Godliness was a promotional thing restricted to users of the old holy texts. Either that or we are both as beautifully lost as one another. Hi Animan, You're right. People don't like being told what to do. They prefer to make their own mind up. William Wallace did it properly, by leading from the front and not hidden behind rented Irish hands like some puffy English 'nobleman' dressed as a general.

hello. Are you all alone or am I a total twit? I didn't read this yet but I like the fact that eveything about length and width has changed. Looks like Question Time makes sense now.Saw it last night. Will read this tomorrow, thank you, he said pissed.

Inspired and brilliant. I wish you'd done one on the The Myth of the EU instead of Diana but it's probably too early to call it a myth. Blinding reading material and a breath of fresh air

A human blind and the rain outside finds its own roots; bleak, technicolor imagery.

Nicely dragged up to date and relevant in its apathetic denial that the post feminist era has changed the world for the better. A great piece that speaks volumes. Funny too.

If the so called leaders of the so called civilised world are so religiously aware, why do they have the button anyway. It goes against their so called God's will.

Thanks alot to Oldpesky, Jenny and Insert. Really glad this hit the spot. I know exactly what you mean about the agonising torrents jarring. That was the one bit I wrestled with, which only goes to show how meticulous and well-trained your eye for detail is. You really should be on a judging panel. Many thanks.

Excellent. 'Humping my fist' especially

This sounds like the hostel I've just found myself at. Belonging isn't always forthcoming, fortunately. Very nicely written.

Fantastic writing. Marnie really is the most dependable muse I've read in a long while. The way you care for her and want her to go is brilliantly balanced in equal measure. So true to life. You sound firm about the high note; it's the right thing to do. Can i have one more about Marnie before she goes? Shee's the tops.

Excellent! I felt a bit robbed that the story didnt close by reverting back to the present and the narrators meeting, or not, with his daughter, but the meandering stream of thought leaves me thinking that this deserves another read. The two extremes of man are perfectly personified by your reaction to the believers of both sects, NA and the lively Americanised pastor. I think Id have offered the same riposte to the finger poker, if I had the nouse. Theses people kill it for newcomers. Very glad to see you back on the case and well worth the wait. Cant agree more with Celticman but you still have a few days to sweat it out! Keep the faith, whichever one gives you the will to write little gemstones like this. All the best Richard

Reminds me of my Dad, who had some extra-marital when he taught at Cambridge. I was one. He chose his lover unwisely as her husband eventually stole his prospects, being on the board of engineers Dad needed to get permission for his research. What comes around..We had to move to Liverpool and the other guy was sent to Coventry. Nice little poem. Cheers

I think abctales might have a new star, too. Great imagination, positively brimming with whacky buds of joyous anarchy. Well in, well-wisher.

If the contents of your stomach offend thee, puke them up. I enjoyed this, especially as I haven't puked (drank booze) for eight months now!

War has certainly not become more deadly. When you remember that a million horses were killed in the first world war, it can be said that war's alot less deadly now. If, 145 years ago, 50000 Americans were killed and wounded in that one spot, it would total many many more than lives lost in ten years of Afghan war. I think the word would be 'precise'. War has definitely become more precise. Pin-point accuracy, when needed, and GPS satellite supremacy, to keep an eye. War's not so much a question of being deadly any more. It's more of a drawn out battle of wit, tolerance and patience, an advertisement for democracy a la Americana, or a 'democratic brainwashing process'. War is the preserve of those whose egos match their pockets.

Can't wait.

Hi Nick, I use vague generalisation to put into context the nature of the battle of the sexes, which will always be there, and also to seek debate from those who might normally watch from the comfort of the sidelines. My main question was whether women are better leaders than men, although lurking behind that question was the notion that today's leaders are nothing more than puppets pulled by much more powerful men (yes, I did say men, and awful men at that). Women are excellent at towing the corporate line. In fact, I'd say they were the most accomplished 'yes men' out there. Even their sickies are believable. When you ask a woman who she'd prefer to work under, a man or a woman, the stock answer (if you manage to get the truth) would be a man. The prime reason for this is that women generally, yes, generally, feel more comfortable with a man at the helm, especially in choppy waters. Other more awkward reasons are that women see right through other women and aren't so easy to hoodwink as men. Then there's the jealousy factor. Men sympathise with women and often give them the benefit of any lingering doubt, especially if a little skin is shown in return. Women know exactly how men tick while the same cannot be said of men's knowledge. Hi Florian, As for the break-up of the family, I point the finger at a self-serving government that has made it impossible for an aspirational family to survive on one income alone. By encouraging both parents to work, this opens up another cross-section of poorly paid workers, ie. au pair/nanny/homehelp, which earns the govt yet more taxable income and makes sure that all family income is put back into the system to churn even more taxable income. That British families are the least happy in the developed world doesn't seem to interest the govt. I'm all for aspirational women but most of the jobs they do are non-jobs that deplete everybody else's quality of life, so where's the aspiration in that? The 'Have Your Cake And Eat, Shit and Puke It' brigade of heavy-handed women that have gained notoriety from the crooked hierachy of the benefits AND working culture never knew any different. They will always be there, just as the male-dominated criminal element will always be there, but it will end in further trouble for the govt as children are increasingly distanced from their fathers by sick mothers with the say-so of the sexist and equally sick legal system that takes the word of an unqualified social worker over a child's father and seeks to protect the sickness of scorned mothers by ignoring the duty of care to the children they are supposed to help. Family law is a huge earner for the legal profession. Justice comes second to their primary purpose of wringing as much time out of each case as possible to gaain the most money. All in all, it's a sad, bad and dangerous state of affairs in which the ultimate victim is the child (of time-starved, stress-riddled, financially troubled, spiritually challenged parents), whose hopes for a decent future hinge on a total overhaul of governmental priorities. Hi John, I agree. From love comes victory. Love is worth fighting for but I don't see many people fighting for what they believe. There's no fight in the British people from what I can see.

Just seems to me that mankind has always allowed the rich to prosper from the work of the masses and when it all goes tits up, they invent a war or a recession or a depression and the masses are forced to tighten their belts even more for a few years, fearful for their livelihood, after which the rich are pleased that they can get on with spending more of our money and the cycle continues. I wish they'd just fuck off to another planet and leave us to live in harmony. I can't imagine that much would change if money was abolished apart from the face of tawdry, hideous high streets. We'd still be able to fly to sunny climes and eat good food, have hospitals and schools and cars. The only real difference would be that the chosen few wouldn't be swanning off every five mins raping us for everything we hold dear or ordering us about to stop them from having tantrums and migraines. A desire for money would be best replaced by a desire for life, then we'd be happy with what we had. A provocative, subtle poem that feeds enquiry and lights the mind. Thanks

I have recently undergone an assessment for the potential risk I may pose to the safety and wellbeing of my children and their mother. The assessment, made by a clinical forensic psychiatrist, was recommended by the courts as a measure to save on legal aid costs. Previously, it had been thought necessary for me to go to a DVIP (domestic violence intervention program) for the purposes of assessing my risk, as the mother recorded an incident between us when I admittedly kicked her in the side. i was happy to attend these sessions. The incident happened in 2008. I was accepted at Everyman DVIP (the best in the country) but this was not recognised by Respect, a government body which controls the DVIP system and only recognises the government's own DVIP as viable, although I wouldn't be surprised if it didn't even exist in a few years. As I had confirmed that I kicked her in a fit of rage to the police (she had me arrested), she has since used this to obstruct me from seeing my children. It's been sixteen months since I last saw them. i have accepted that I was responsible for this act but it is quite plain that the mother has no intention of letting it go. It's my firm belief that she had hoped that I would lose my temper physically at some time, and she was right. I was completely honest about my past (the drinking, the drugs, the gambling and the depression) to the clinical forensic pyschiarist, who admitted in his report that he was not trained in the field of children's welfare and so could not make any assessment for the purpose of my assessment. however, he did find that I was a sane man, cared very much for my children and had given up all drink and drugs with only a small amount of petty gambling, which is true. I have attended a course called Strengthening Families, Strengthening Communities by Jigsaw4U, which was very enlightening and am attending ten sessions of DVIP in south east London voluntarily. Although my violence was an isolated incident, I am aware that I will benefit from attending these sessions. i continue to pay maintenance for the children and my only contact is indirect (I can send one card or letter to each child, which has to be read for approval at her solicitor's by their staff, and presents). The mother will not acknowledge my love for the children and continues to fight for no contact. My children have been taken out of school and the family have moved to an undisclosed address. My two step-children, who have refused to see their father for some years, are both home taught too. Their father had been kind enough to tell me to look up Parental Alienation Syndrome when he realised that the same thing was happening to me that had happened to him, but now that my final court hearing is approaching, he has sided with the mother in a bid to gain contact with his own children finally. All that after telling me that he would write a letter to the courts regarding his own alienation. I just found out before sitting down to read your own plight, and it's incredibly frustrating to know that he has changed his mind, because I truly believe that the mother of our children suffers from PAS and will only get better by acknowledging that she is sick. That the children are her 'drugs of choice' is sickening enough, but the courts will not recognise PAS as a reality, even when 25% of children in this country suffer or have suffered from it. The fact is, there are plenty of hopps to jump through. They haven't necessarily been put there to help children, too, which is all the more frustrating, as plenty of people make plenty of money from dragging out the court process as long as is possible. Now that it's been almost a year and a half, the mother has had plenty of time to condition the children against me, and all this under the supervision of the legal system. All I know is that I'm not going to change the legal system in a second and that I will fight to see my children and be a part of their lives until the ends of the earth. If the mother's illness is not recognised, everyone loses; her, the children, the fathers. If she is requested to undergo psychiatry for the purpose of understanding her mental state, we ALL win. Those that do win are lawyers, barristers, judges, the govt DVIP and the govt itself, because court cases are taxable revenue that can be justified without question. I have to remember that these people are doing a job that they have been trained to do within the constraints of an outdated legal system. The barristers that have represented me and the judges that have held court have all been very professional and kind, the lawyer assigned to my case has been amazingly decent and thorough. They are all doing their jobs properly and I can't very well blame them for my situation. The problem is that the legal system has been manipulated for too long by a govt that seeks to diminish its own responsibility rather than changing the system's structure for the better. In such cases as family law (which can seriously affect children even when they do not have to appear in court), the process would be better served in a more relaxed environment. The fact remains that those who work within the legal system are by and large blameless. If a rich criminal asked me to paint his house, would I decline on grounds of morality or would I be grateful for the work and feed my children? Look at the 'beautiful game', football, where players feign injury, dupe the ref, time-waste, play with indifference, make career-threatening tackles and act as if they didn't touch them, spit and swear at each other, all within a governing body that has its own corrupt agenda and surrounded by a denial system that cannot be broken. I can't very well blame the players for earning so much if I choose to watch the game and follow my own team. when this is applied to the legal system, especially where children are concerned, it shows that the power that be have little regard for the primary purpose for which laws were passed. I always thought the state would be there for children, but it is my experience that the legal system looks after their own, even before helpless, vulnerable, confused, frightened, brainwashed children. All I can do is pray for them. I have a certain faith in the legal system in so far as a decision will be made once the machine has been fed and everyone has been remunerated. That decision will be based on the judge's overall impressions of myself and the mother where the children are concerned. If I continue to jump through the hoops and am prepared to be seen as a perpetrator of violence for my one undeniably mad fit of rage and if I can stay clean and sober, I have a small chance of justice. I have certain faith in the judges I have seen and in my lawyer and their representatives. I have a certain faith in myself, that I may be seen by the circuit judge as altogether different to the picture that the mother portrays and that the final three-day court hearing will give me the opportunity to help the mother to see that the problem lies much closer, within herself, if only she would accept it. I do not say that I am blameless or that I haven't been verbally abusive and been given to angry outbursts, because I have, but I'm no wife beating, child abusing, evil monster of a man out to hurt anyone. I'm not a malicious person who seeks to cause a lifetime of pain for anyone. Above all, and far more powerful than any human being or government, I have total faith in a higher power, or God (which seems the right and proper term for the all-seeing, all-feeling, all-loving presence we all know is there, somewhere, and that I used to perceive as to coincidence or destiny), that my children and I will be looked after if I seek to do His will for us. Without my HP, I'm finished, back on the sauce, lost to nothing, and I can't afford to go down that road. There's way too much to do now that I have found Him. It's finding myself that's the real trick, but that will come in time, if I do God's will. So, Phase 2, keep positive, find a higher power that you trust implicitly and believe that good will come no matter how many hoops they throw at you and how crazy it all seems, because it is crazy, but it has to be respected for the right outcome is to prevail. All the best Richard

Great stuff, Rob. Worthy of its praise and loyal readership.

Thanks for your comments, Kahdai, Insert and RJ. We need more people and if anyone knows of ways to reach a larger audience of interest, please let me know.

I used to rent a room and also pay a month's deposit, then I'd lose jobs and halfshack up with a girl and gaamble and drink. Then when the first month was over, I'd either move out and leave the country or stay and say my deposit's good for the month. Did it time and again, drifting through life, and this touching story brought it all back in buckets. All the best Richard

Thanks for commenting, Anna and Linda, and Jennifer, this shows your lovely personality, to read and comment on other people's work when you're so close (and now there!) to realising the first of many literary dreams. Thanks for the tip, too. All the best Richard

A truly inspired story, full of fun puns and karmic calamity. I thought the end finished too quick and that a welcome on board to the little fish was missing. Maybe a little eye-flutter from a female fish on seeing the new boy in tank. Plankton all round! This is youthful and imaginative.

Off to check out your photographic work on flickr. The one in the top right hand corner of your abctales account shows a lovely, gutsy, cheeky young lady. Oops, that's fraternising. but how can a man give a woman a compliment these days? All in the best possible taste, as Kenny Everett said. Best Richard

No, I'm not so sensitive that I can't take constructive crit, plus you stuck with Sticks and gave me a lot of good feedback on it. The only bad press I've had on abc came from a fuming Tony Cook regarding an opinionated piece on politics. It seemed unprofessional/immature of him to say what he said but what the hell. I'd agree about structure. I'm lazy. I tried reading Last Chance but didn't have the time to really get into it. One thing I did find hard in my hurried reading was that it went from first to third person in a way that confused me. I can say, i think, that you're writing in a technically advanced way but my taste is a lot simpler than that. I get weighed down by what i perceive to be unnecessarily confusing writing, although I know how good it can be, given the time and patience, which I have little of. I'll return to it with more time on hands. Would you tell me what you think of One for The Rude. I put it on yesterday. It's political and would appreciate your honest opinion.

Thanks Highhat, it's coming on ok now

Hi Insert. I put something else in today as a wee change, but will have more of this tomorrow.

Impressive stuff. Your muse will be delighted at your progress on her return. I might give the alphabet a go myself. All the best Richard

Being wrapped up in what you suggested, I forgot to say I'm sorry to hear about your mother and hope you're feeling better now. I think I'm beginning to dread the day that it happens to mine. All the best Richard

Oldpesky hit it right. There's always a load to chew on in this ongoing story and it seems you have a way of allowing the reader to look at his/her own life in context with what's going on with you. That's the gift of empathy you've got there. I'm glad you're going to see Marnie, mostly because she provides me with hearty chuckles. For the pool, if the water's still cold, just get a lilo (preferably one with a headrest). Then you can dip your hand in and splash water onto yourself without getting in. Lucky thing.