Growing older changes perspectives on things for those over 40...

Chapter Two – This question was: As you have reached, and are living out, your ‘over 40’ solo status in life, how has your perspective on singleness changed from what it was 2 decades ago?   

These are the stories of some respondents to a questionnaire around being single over the age of 40 as a woman.

Respondent 1:

Donna, 44, Christian, who has 100% support from her family and has been single most of her life.

While I wanted to be married and have 2 kids running around, I have realized that it’s not the be all and end all to life. 

Respondent 2:

Alyss, 44, Christian, who is not dependent on any family and has been single for the majority of her life.

2 decades ago feels like 2 centuries ago... In my teens I was put onto reading romantic novels. Starting from Sweet Valley High and even the unfortunate experience of Mills & Boons. I feel that, in a way, gave me an extra romantic view of men, of dating and of life partnership. Of course, those books don’t go past the thrill of a few opening moments of the beginnings of relationships. I have since learnt through many life experiences as I lived and travelled around the world, that real life men are nothing like the ones in novels. Many men have addictions to things that break relationships, and I am not willing to have to deal with the effects of those addictions. I have also learnt that many men are as unsure about things as women, and there seems to be a general preference for women to make the first move and ‘be in charge’ of the relationship. I have always thought that the man should be the head of the home and the ship’s captain, so to type, which is not the role I want. My perspective on singleness has morphed a great deal. I never expected myself to end up in this space. Yet, after hearing of friends who are unbelievably lonely in marriages, I’m not so sure it’s any different from the aloneness I experience. My perspective on single people at my age now is that I respect them a great deal. I respect those who are managing to take the hardships of life on solo shoulders and get on with it. It is no easy task by any means. 2 decades ago, ‘singleness’ was not a norm or a usual thing in my life, now it’s my actual reality and I have to get on with it.

Respondent 3:

Alexa, 45, Christian, who believes she has 50% support of her family and dates sporadically.

Refrained from answering.

Respondent 4:

KA, 45, who was almost divorced when she became a widow. She is Christian and rates her family support at 60%.

I actually never wanted to get married, oddly enough. I wanted to travel and sail my own ship, so I have absolutely no issue with being single – not then, and not now.

Respondent 5:

Lizanne, 45, Christian, divorced and rates her family support at around 50%.

I used to think of singlehood as a drop in status. But now it’s the new normal. I never ever thought it would be so tough though.

Respondent 6:

C.B. is over 60 and twice divorced, completely self-dependent.

Now I feel that whilst a partner would be nice to share life with and create new memories, this is not a pre-requisite to have a happy full life.  As a younger person in my 40’s and 50’s sex played a part in wanting a permanent partner.