No-one cares about your creative hub

By Terrence Oblong

In anticipation of the forthcoming Half Man Half Biscuit album, no-one cares about your creative hub so get your fuckin hedge cut, I am writing ten short stories based on track titles on the album ahead of the album's release on 18 May.

 

You can pre-order the album from the Probe Plus website: www.probe-plus.co.uk/index.php/discography-test/275-probe-75-half-man-ha...  

  • 2357 reads
Cherry

Every Time a Bell Rings

By Terrence Oblong on Sat, 10 Mar 2018

"I am pleased to open this the 415,000th meeting of the Angelic Council. You all know each other by now, I hope so anyway. We'll proceed straight to...
Miscellaneous
Story
Certificate 15

Emergency locksmith

By Terrence Oblong on Wed, 14 Mar 2018

I'm the 4th emergency service. Fire, ambulance, police, and me. The emergency locksmith. I'm on call 24/7. Except on my days off, obviously, and...
Miscellaneous
Story
Certificate 15
Cherry

The Announcement

By Terrence Oblong on Sun, 18 Mar 2018

"A murder is announced and will take place during the night on Friday 19th April at 17 Horesham Terrace." Dan Azari's boss was taking the piss. "Go...
Miscellaneous
Story
Certificate 15
Cherry

Terminus

By Terrence Oblong on Sun, 18 Mar 2018

Eddie Soulston was dying. He had cancer, but the cancer had savaged his body's immune system, so he had pretty much everything else as well. He was a...
Miscellaneous
Story
Certificate 15

Alehouse futsal

By Terrence Oblong on Sun, 25 Mar 2018

"I'll have a pint of the Tea Kettle stout," said Hensley. "Good choice," said the barman, "Little brewery in Oxford that's from." "Well I like to do...
Miscellaneous
Story
Certificate 15
Cherry

Mod Diff, V Diff, Hard, Severe

By Terrence Oblong on Sun, 25 Mar 2018

"Timpson isn't it?" "Yes, Derek Timpson." "Good to meet you Timpson, I'm Hardwick, this is Nethergate, and that's Suggs on the end." The three...
Miscellaneous
Story
Certificate 15
1 likes
Cherry

Swerving the checkatrade

By Terrence Oblong on Fri, 30 Mar 2018

"Sergei's selling his lorry Morris", Stan Lee said. "So?" "You could buy it. You said yourself you need a job. With a lorry you could set up your own...
Miscellaneous
Story
Certificate 15

Renfield's Afoot

By Terrence Oblong on Sun, 15 Apr 2018

The mood on the office floor was gloomy. "There's talk of redundancy," said Mike, who was first to hear every piece of gossip in the office and was...
Miscellaneous
Story
Certificate 15
Gold cherry

Man of Constant Sorrow (With A Garage In Constant Use)

By Terrence Oblong on Sun, 22 Apr 2018

"Dead people don't make bad albums," The Boy once said (Sting please take note), which is part of The Boy's genius, dying before he grew old. He...
Miscellaneous
Story
Certificate 15
Gold cherry

Harsh Times in Umberstone Covert

By Terrence Oblong on Mon, 09 Apr 2018

"See you tonight," Dan called to his wife as he left for work. "Love you lots." However, he didn't get far, no sooner had he left the house than he...
Miscellaneous
Story
Certificate 15
Gold cherry
Story of the week

Bladderwrack Allowance

By Terrence Oblong on Sat, 28 Apr 2018

I was woken early one morning by a hammering on my back door. I quickly dressed and rushed downstairs, to find Alun in an agitated state. "It's the...
Miscellaneous
Story
Certificate 15
2 likes

Knobheads on Quiz Shows

By Terrence Oblong on Sat, 05 May 2018

Lex phoned with the bad news. "I was out on the lash last night, I won't be able to drive I'm still over the limit. If I get caught doing that again...
Miscellaneous
Story
Certificate 15

What made Colombia famous

By Terrence Oblong on Mon, 07 May 2018

"I had a coffee this morning before leaving for the airport, Colombian of course, you know, to get me in the mood." "Did you? I had a line of cocaine...
Miscellaneous
Story
Certificate 15